The Etiquette Guy

Politeness Abounds If We Just Let It

2012-02-20T04:56:00.000-08:00

I have just been on a very enjoyable road trip visiting friends and family, and managed to squeeze in an overnight trip to New York City to take in Mary Poppins with my good friend William Hanson. He was over from England orchestrating a Guinness World Record for the world’s longest curtsey – which consisted of a chorus line of about 80 men and women executing a curtsey that lasted a full 5 minutes. Just prior to launching off on my train journey from the City of Brotherly Love to the Big Apple, I was informed that New York had been named the rudest city in the entire world by none other than Travel and Leisure Magazine. I quietly thought what a perfect challenge for William and me – two gents making their livelihood consulting on and teaching good manners!

As it turned out, it was no challenge at all! Everyone along the way treated me so nicely. I even thought to myself, “Ain’t life grand!” It all began with a shoeshine man at 30^th Street Station in Philadelphia who made me feel as though I were his only and most important concern. Little did he know how important his job is to my life. A well-polished pair of shoes speaks volumes about one’s self-respect. The lady who sold me my train ticket was professional and courteous and smiled as I spoke with her. I naturally smiled back. I was off on the right foot now! I thankfully had a business class seat, which in this day and age means a quiet car! And it was quiet! All of the passengers abided by the rules, far more so than they do in Britain! This enabled me to catch up on correspondence and make reservations for restaurants.

I walked through the hustle and bustle of New York’s Penn Station noticing how seemingly unhurried other passengers were. There wasn’t the anticipated pushing and shoving so common in such places. I walked to the Hotel Lola, a brand new midtown gem and was treated like an old and revered customer. The staff was perfect and even succumbed to my request for free Internet. The room was ready early, allowing me extra time to walk leisurely uptown to meet my lunch date at Michael’s, a great restaurant I was experiencing for the first time. The owner and the manager both greeted me so cordially and made me feel special. Believe me, when you pay $10 for Club Soda, they should! The waiters were great, the food was great, and the lady who dined with me (a native New Yorker whom I had never met before) was enchanting.

Without going into every other detail of my 24-hour whirlwind trip, I will simply say that not one soul spoke a cross word or exhibited any behavior deserving of the moniker “world’s rudest” anything! Naturally I thoroughly enjoyed Mary Poppins, a very good Broadway musical, and the rest of my time spent with my most trusted and enjoyable colleague. Even with delayed trains and pouring rain, all was good!

As I was gratefully wallowing in the warm feelings I had, I began to wonder why the experience was so flawless. I came to the conclusion that perhaps it was because I was nice to all of the people with whom I met or spoke with. I was focused on having a good time and enjoying myself, and they all fell right in step.

This can happen to all of us, most, if not all of the time. So much of our happiness depends upon how we connect with other people. Taking the first step to be cordial and respectful of everyone, whether they are shining my shoes, serving me a meal, or simply engaging in a pleasant conversation, sets the tone for the connections we make. I have noticed when I am rushed and discourteous, that behavior is mirrored back to me with great consistency.

Planning ahead and being well organized goes a long way to ensuring your day goes smoothly. Life is full of surprises. Take for example the fact that I managed to leave my passport and wallet at the hotel, a fact I discovered upon my return to Philadelphia. Keeping focused on a positive outcome (next day FedEx) and not tearing around like beheaded poultry worked wonders.

Staying positive, keeping focused on respecting others, and being grateful for everything others do for you can and does make or break one’s day. At least it does for me. I hope it does for you, too!

Look Around You and Be Polite

2012-01-21T04:39:00.000-08:00

This may sound like an exercise akin to patting your head and rubbing your tummy, but I am quite serious about this seemingly simple concept. A reader recently sent me this note illustrating the lack of awareness and kindness towards others. Perhaps we can all learn from this reader’s questions.

“I really enjoy your column. Thanks for the great suggestions for the New Year, which I intend to use. One thing that maybe you could consider writing about is the following: It really bothers me that many people today seem to just live in their own world and have little consideration for others who are around them. Often I have walked into a building right after someone who does not appear to know that I am there and drops the door on me.

“Another beef that I have is people shopping in grocery store aisles, often with a number of family members, who run into someone that they know and proceed to block the aisle as they carry on a conversation.

“I think the one that bothers me the most is when you get behind someone at the local drugstore or convenience store who insists on making their purchase, get their air mile points, pay all their utilities, and both check all their lotto tickets and buy new ones while others are waiting behind them! There just seems to be a general inconsideration for others demonstrated here. I used to buy my gas at a convenience store in the Fredericton area where the owner had a policy that customers could not do prolonged lotto ticket transactions if others were waiting. More than once I have just put my purchases down and walked out!

“I know that I sound like the complainer here but it really does bother me! Happy New Year and looking forward to reading you in 2012.”

The scenarios outlined above are ones to which we can all relate. No one likes having a door surprisingly slammed in his or her face. But it does happen frequently! People just do not look behind them to see if someone is coming and politely hold the door open for that next person. What we need to practice is being polite by taking just seconds to be aware of those around us. I find that when I experience these annoying situations, a bit of self-reflection often reveals a need to slow down and be more aware of what I am doing.

In grocery stores or any store with narrow aisles and shopping carts, it is helpful to look around and try not to inconvenience others. I am not suggesting that a good ‘gossip’ isn’t appropriate quietly in the store, but most customers are not there for social purposes. They need to get in and get out. The lesson here is to consider putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. The Golden Rule comes in handy frequently. This is another call to slow down and be aware of those around you, even putting them and their feelings before yours upon occasion.

The multi-tasker at the super market or at the bank or even at the ticket counter can really be annoying. We have become accustomed to one-stop shopping and find accomplishing a number of chores at one place very satisfying. However, if there is a line of people behind you watching you wind through your list of lottery tickets or other time-consuming tasks, I recommend coming back at a time when the lines may be shorter. This is akin to going through a busy grocery line with a full cart of purchases without helping to bag them. We all know how annoying it is when it happens to us. This is a two-way street. It is inconsiderate and disrespectful.

Let the New Year allow you to start off with a clean slate in one important way. Slow down and pay more attention to exactly what is going on around us. As we interact with other people, whether they are fellow shoppers, clerks, or friends and family, becoming more aware of how our actions affect other people will make for a more civil society. And don’t forget to smile often. We never know how our smile can brighten someone else’s day. It happens often!

Easing into The New Year

2011-12-30T09:27:00.000-08:00

We are all about to welcome in a New Year. Many of us will culminate our holiday celebrations with a big bash filled with champagne and resolutions. To most of us there is nothing new to these traditions. Some of us have chosen to downplay the festivities, even foregoing ringing in the New Year entirely. But fewer of us escape the temptation or challenge of making resolutions for the coming year. We frequently feel resolutions will improve our lives usually through deprivation or perhaps some sort of painful new fitness program. It has been a while since I have stayed up to ring in the New Year, but I have always given in to the temptation to set an unattainable goal for the coming year. I am undecided as to why this temptation befalls us and we so easily submit, but for some reason we get some pleasure from this fantasy world, if only for a short while.

Making resolutions can be a wonderful exercise however. It allows us a few minutes to examine our lives and reevaluate our priorities and raise the bar by which we measure our levels of success and happiness. As complicated as this may all sound, I truly believe that many of these seemingly impossible-to-attain goals are well within our reach. And the desired outcome of greater success or happiness can happen.

One of the main reasons we fail to stick to our newly hatched plan is that it’s the middle of winter. This is a time of rest and rejuvenation, not a time for launching new self-improvement schemes. Saving these plans until the spring will likely result in a much higher success rate, plus it satisfies our innate need to procrastinate. Spring will be here soon enough.

I espouse the idea of easing into the New Year. In so doing, we still have an opportunity to examine our lives as far as our priorities are concerned; we can review those times during the past year where we have made a difference in someone else’s life; we can think back with gratitude to the times when our best friends have been available to us in times of need and in times of joy. As important planning for the future is, there is nothing to replace being fully aware of the life we are presently living. Winter is the season when we have the time for this sort of reflection.

A few dos and don’ts for welcoming in the New Year

1. Make is list of all of as many of your short, medium and long-term goals as you can remember. Keep this list handy and revise it as changes occur.

2. Don’t affix arbitrary time lines to these goals. This only produces unnecessary stress. This does not mean accountability is not at play; it is just on an untethered schedule.

3. Make a list of your 2011 accomplishments. Take plenty of time to make this list as complete as possible.

4. Update your address books and contact lists. Make note of those people who have done you a good turn and of those whom you have helped. This list will never be complete because we will never know all the people we have helped if only with a smile.

5. Decide on an organization you will commit time to as a volunteer. Contact them and make a commitment. If you have never done this before, expect some discomfort, but realize that your effort will bring immediate gratification to you and to those people the organization helps. If you have a history of volunteerism in your life, keep it up!

6. Schedule some ‘me’ time. This might include yoga, meditation, time reading a book, time crafting a quilt or creating a painting. Rejuvenation and restoration happens more easily if we can detach from the outside world and enjoy some time alone.

7. Write down one, two, or more potential resolutions. Put this list away for safe keeping until spring arrives. The idea of keeping a resolution through the winter is unrealistic for most of us, so have some compassion for yourself and put this exercise off for a few months. You may be surprised how much easier this plan will be to implement after spring arrives.

Happy New Year everyone. I am looking forward to an exciting 2012. I hope you have good health and happiness. My continued wish is for greater civility and compassion in our families, our communities, and the world in which we live.

The Etiquette of Pet Peeves

2011-12-01T02:28:00.000-08:00

Let's face it. We all have pet peeves- something that someone else does that irritates the heck out of you. As I have stated on many occasions, one of my biggest is baseball hats worn inside. I was never a fan of baseball hats to begin with, but worn inside they send me round the bend. A man should always remove his hat when indoors. To not do so is a sign of disrespect. The problem is that some people do not understand how to show respect in many cases. Tipping one's hat as one passes someone on the street, especially a woman, does not occur to most men today. It is such an easy way to make a small connection with someone and to make them feel recognized. A smile accompanying a tip of the hat can make someone's day!

One reader has suggested that her greatest pet peeve is someone licking a knife at the table. I must admit, that one hadn't occurred to me, but I can see why it would revolt a fellow diner. Aside from being potentially dangerous, no one wants to watch this act. If they did, a sword swallower at the circus would do the trick. Licking a knife could put someone off because of the imagined danger. At no time is it appropriate to make someone else feel uncomfortable, whether at the dining table or not.

Another reader has suggested that spitting, tossing cigarette butts, or discarding chewing gum on the sidewalk or street annoys him the most. This is another area where a total disregard for respecting public spaces seems de rigueur these days. In some places there are actual signs admonishing such behavior; and in some places this can carry a fine. It is not much of a step away from littering or leaving one's garbage by the side of the road. As stewards of the communities in which we live or visit, we should think about leaving places as clean or cleaner for the next person as it was for us.

One of my pet driving peeves is the arrogant person who is either in a bad mood or simply in a rush who gleefully cuts in and out of on going traffic just to get a vehicle or two ahead particularly at slow moving, crowded rush hours and completely ignores the concept of alternate merge. They somehow feel entitled to keep sticking themselves in front of other vehicles, as though it was going to get them to their destination any faster. This is a form of bullying. It is dangerous, rude, and shows a lack of respect for fellow drivers. It's right up there with horn honking - that monosyllabic form of communication which was originally designed to alert one to danger, not as a non-verbal chastisement. Or the driver who sticks into a street so far that it makes it almost impossible for on coming traffic to continue up the road. Courtesy while driving makes for safer conditions on highways and streets and keeps people in a more alert frame of mind.

A friend this morning mentioned how men should wear jackets if they are going to wear neckties and shirts, especially in church. We discussed the idea that often the interiors of many buildings and halls heat up when filled with people. Although that is true enough, this is not an excuse to take off jackets unless under the most extreme circumstances. I find that many men today are simply not accustomed to wearing a jacket and this extra layer of clothing is viewed as optional. This is an inaccurate assumption. And should you be part of a funeral, such as a pallbearer, your jacket stays on no matter what!

What is it about pet peeves that push our various buttons? Could it be that these are habits that we were taught as children to be taboo? Could it be that we assume that the people who do these things are doing them to be deliberately disrespectful? And are we truly grossed out by behavior that is disgusting, selfish and done without any awareness of others? It is a combination of these factors. And it's interesting how what is one person's pet peeve is another's normal behavior.

Having pet peeves is a way of seeing faults in others. Perhaps we can feel better about ourselves and hopefully avoid doing things that are truly annoying to someone else. Being human beings, we all have frailties and where we often times fall short is in not accepting this as a truth. Being aware of how we influence those around us can be a big step towards this acceptance. Leading by example, which we do both consciously and unconsciously, allows us to teach our children, students and others what we accept as appropriate behavior. Taken as a whole, this amalgamation of behaviors is a true reflection of the society in which we live. It's never too late to do our part to make our communities as healthy and as vibrant as possible by showing respect, civility, and compassion whenever possible. And, it's always possible.

2011-11-20T05:38:00.000-08:00

Flexibility is the Key to Good Wedding Etiquette

As a veteran of the hospitality industry, one of the hats which I enjoy wearing the most is that of wedding coordinator. During a recent weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of assisting at two weddings. One was a small casual affair with under 40 guests, with a minimal size bridal party and was held outdoors at the Treadwell Inn overlooking beautiful Saint Andrews harbor. The reception was also held on the premises and the whole event wrapped up in two hours. Everyone had fun, the weather cooperated and the relaxed atmosphere made for a stress free upbeat celebration.

The other wedding was a more structured formal affair performed at the Catholic church. There was a large wedding party including a flock of three ring bearers and five flower girls. There was also a bell ringer, ushers, groomsmen, a best man, and a maid of honor. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of moving parts to this wedding and making sure everyone was in place at the appropriate time and in the right order was a slight challenge. There is never any guarantee when eight small children are leading the procession will go off without a hitch, but they were all so excited to be dressed up and at a wedding that they performed like seasoned professionals.

These two very different weddings shared the common denominator of the need to be flexible to ensure a successful event. I have always been a big proponent of making contingency plans for any event whether it be a wedding or a dinner party. Planning helps avoid unpleasant surprises. It also gives a reassuring air to the whole event. If everyone involved knows where they need to be, when to be there, and how to get there, most unexpected elements are removed.

Weather is a consideration for outdoor weddings. Be sure to have a back up plan. If you have one, the sun will shine; if not, it will pour with rain. Other important considerations arise in direct proportion to the number of logistical details are involved in the event. For example, don't forget the rings or the boutonnieres. These small yet essential articles need to be on a list along with every other thing you can think of.

At the rehearsal, it is really important to remember such things as the length of the train on the bridal gown and how many times it will need to be adjusted. Be sure that pews are reserved for anyone in the family such as grandparents, aunts and uncles and anyone else whom you wish to have special seating.

Weddings are celebrations and incredible shows mostly because of the importance of the event in the couple's lives. They are also legal affairs and therefore there are certain vows which must be exchanged and papers signed. Outside of these firm parameters, there is a lot of leeway as to the rest of the ceremony and the reception. This day belongs to the bride and groom. They should make most of the decisions regarding the details. This is not the purview of the mothers of the bride or groom, nor is unsolicited input from overbearing sisters appropriate. This is not to say that help will not be requested or that some boundaries will need to be respected. This is where the experience of a good wedding planner can come in very handy and be well worth the investment.

There will almost always be last minutes emergencies. Rarely are these impossible to handle but an emergency kit with safety pins, hemming tape, spot remover and tissues will come in handy. The most important ingredient is a calm, cool and collected attitude. This helps to make any event a success. Be prepared to handle unexpected wrinkles and do so with compassion and grace. Let's not forget that we are all human beings and surprises are bound to occur. We aren't perfect, and we hopefully have enough common sense to get us through mishaps. This is a good time to be ready to employ it.

Weddings come in all shapes and sizes. There is no right or wrong way to design them, nor is one style more correct than another. There are guidelines which support an entire industry of weddings. Wedding planners follow more traditional customs and know how to create the dream wedding of in bride's mind.

Respecting the institution of marriage is the cornerstone of any successful ceremony and reception. If a wedding is planned with the same values which make a happy marriage, you're going to be off on the right foot. These values include compassion, respect, and kindness.

The Etiquette of Being Right

2011-11-14T03:41:00.001-08:00

Lively debates are exciting, provocative and educational interactions which challenge our intellects and enrich our lives. They also test our character and reveal our true inner spirit to those around us. Why just this past week I was engaged in such a debate. I had finally grown weary of the US debt crisis and the media debacle in Britain which dominated and clogged the news channels round the clock. Surprised and mesmerized as so many people seemed to be with these crises, there are others who both saw these events coming and mentally filed them under "this too shall pass".

Thankfully, my trusted British colleague William Hanson coincidentally wrote a blog about the use of the word 'pudding' in England vs. the word 'dessert' used in the US (and most of the rest of the world for that matter). This respite from world events and woes was somehow just the frivolous relief that I needed. I decided to respond to his rather hard line opinion that 'pudding', not 'dessert' is the correct name of the course by politely throwing down the gauntlet. This resulted in an online debate which circled the globe. As with any proper debate, it is the strategy employed that will buoy one side or the other, both sides knowing full well that there is no absolute correct answer at the end of the day. What did impress me was the way in which we went about this intellectual sparring match - politely, humorously and resolutely.

Let's face it, who won this debate is not as interesting (and no, I did not lose) as the dynamics at play. It got me to thinking about how we go about being right in our daily lives and how we get into debates, which we for some reason often times call arguments. Unlike the column I recently wrote about agreeing to disagree and what is involved there, here I want to take a look at actually winning an argument or debate without making the other person feel deflated or completely wrong. Sometimes we do win debates and doing so in a civil way is an important skill, the significance of which seems to have all but evaporated. Going around with a puffed out chest is the sure sign of a bully, not a fair player.

First of all, accept victory gracefully. There is no reason to gloat. Gloating is little more than an attempt to elevate your self worth at the expense of someone else's. Although we do this unawares, we can nonetheless be quite hurtful. Secondly, smirking and making side remarks under one's breathe are rude and disrespectful as well. Grace is all about quiet inner satisfaction and not about broadcasting your triumph boisterously for all to hear. Remember that whatever small victory you may claim, it is more than likely yours alone. Few others will particularly take note as it does not affect them anyway.

One final note about being right. It's all an illusion most of time. Rarely is anything absolute. I recall the song "Tradition" from Fiddler on the Roof where Tevye (the father) tries to balance the pros and cons of his daughter's desire to marry in a non-traditional way. This conversation with himself goes back and forth a number of times and in the end no absolute conclusion is reached. Therefore, the debate resulted in a draw. I also recall studying the history of modern man and remember that for many hundreds of years the world was believed to be flat and the earth was the center of the Universe. We humans don't know anywhere near as much as we give ourselves credit for. We are always making new discoveries to disprove theories which have stood the test of time and reason for centuries. This will never change. So just when we think we have the answer and are sitting smugly smiling inwardly that we have scored a victory of sorts, graciousness appears more quickly and we are reminded that being right is a temporary state and we may well be face to face with the flip side of the coin before we know it.

Enjoy the sweet taste of being right no matter how big or small the contest. Tempering this with a heavy pinch of humility shows respect for your opponent and will actually make you feel the simple joy that kindness provides.

The Etiquette of the Ideal Traveller

2011-11-08T03:01:00.000-08:00

There is nothing that I enjoy more than traveling. I love exploring new places, revisiting favorite haunts and enjoying the company of old friends wherever they may be. Having owned and operated an inn and restaurant for eight years I have also seen the hospitality business from the viewpoint of the proprietor as well as that of a guest.

As I have mentioned before, one of the keys to a successful vacation or even a short visit is to have a plan. There is an increase in the number of travelers who like to "wing it" on the road, and I am all in favor of that. For some people it adds to the suspense and adventure. For others it allows a flexibility which a series of reservation would preclude. A plan, however loose, does help avoid disappointment and nasty surprises. Knowing vaguely where you want to end up for the evening gives you somewhat of a goal to shoot for. Although it is advisable to call ahead at least a day or two for accommodation reservations, walking in unannounced can often lead to a reduced price. If you do have a room booked, one thing to remember, especially when staying at small inns or bed and breakfast establishments, is that often there is no one on duty round the clock. If you are going to be late, call ahead and let someone know. If you must actually cancel at the last minute, expect to pay for your booking anyway. Remember that if a popular in is full and turning away potential guests, a no show is real money out of the innkeeper's pocket.

Well run establishments will often ask you what time you will to arrive or explain that someone will be avvailable to check you in until a certain hour. This enables innkeepers to have appropriate staff on hand and to settle you in to your room. They will also likely ask if you are traveling with pets or small children. Be up front with them. Surprising hosts with extra people in your party is unfair, disrespectful, and likely to lead to disappointment. The old adage 'the guest is always right' does not apply here. Do not assume that there are smoking facilities, that pets (even the most perfectly behaved one which do not shed or bark), or that there are cots or pull out sofas. Even though guests are paying customers, they are not entitled to having unreasonable requests catered to. If you have special needs or requests, by all means discuss them with the manager or host in advance. Most are willing to accommodate guest requirements if at all possible. That is after all what the hospitality business is all about.

One of the benefits of staying in smaller establishments is the fact that the innkeepers are likely to be familiar with local attractions and have eaten at the local restaurants. This makes it possible for them to make considered recommendations to fit your tastes and pocketbook. Larger hotels can tend to rely on temporary staff, especially in resort towns, and may therefore be less familiar with the local attractions. Local businesses will often place brochures and other collateral information about their establishments with the local accommodations. Availing yourself of this information can really assist you when it comes to getting the most out of your visit.

When deciding where to stay in a certain town or region, if you have clear ideas of what you want to see or be near, inquire ahead of time. For example, if you may require a pharmacy or even access to a medical facility, see to it that you will not be in for a surprise. If you are traveling with small children or pets, make sure that whatever services you might anticipate such as a bay sitter or a grooming shop are available. Likewise, if you want to be in a pet free, adults only place, ask about this when you are making your plans. Careful planning can make a real difference.

Good service is also to some degree a function of gratitude. If you are staying somewhere and you like your host, your room, your meal or the service in general, be sure to comment about your experience. Thank you is always appropriate. Innkeepers and their staff really appreciate it when guests show their gratitude. I advise leaving a cash tip in your bedroom for the housekeeper, whomever that person may be. Anywhere from $2 to $5 per night is appropriate. If an accident occurs in your room such as a broken lamp or a stained carpet, let the host know before you leave so that the problem can be addressed quickly. If you approach travel as a two-way street where both the innkeeper and the traveller are in this activity together, your time away from home will be more enjoyable.

The Etiquette of the Promise

2011-07-26T07:10:00.000-07:00

A handshake is as good as a promise. Well, at least it used to be. I remember when I was a young boy my grandfather explained to me how business deals in the good old days were often concluded with merely a hand shake, which was as good as a signature. It seems that over time the integrity of this informal agreement has sadly all but disappeared. It can be very disheartening for someone who has honorable intentions to be painted with the same broad brush as the unscrupulous. And in our changed world people are skeptical. erring on the side of caution. The verbal promise sealed with a handshake is no longer the acceptable way.

The importance of impressing upon young children why keeping promises is the right thing to do cannot be overstated. I was recently listening to the tale of a small child who had spent all of his allowance on the single purchase of a much-coveted toy and then wanted more allowance for something else. This form of impatience is not unusual to find in small children and is merely their way of expanding boundaries by trying to push limits. However, an allowance by its very definition is designed to be doled out at predictable intervals in predictable amounts of money. This sort of deal must be upheld by both parties and it this interaction which teaches children respect for one another and for one system by which our society operates and remains healthy. You the parent have made the promise of an allowance and the child promises to accept and use the allowance for whatever he chooses. With any luck, we will have learned how this exchange works by the time we reach adolescence. If we haven't we are likely to face some pretty difficult life lessons just when we least expect them.

Most of us were taught as young children that a promise is a promise and that breaking one is a really bad thing to do. Yet most of us have broken at least one promise along the way somewhere, often times because circumstances in our lives have changed in one way or another and we can no longer hold up our end of the deal.

On a cautionary note, I understand that we can be prone to making promises based more on emotion than on good, common sense when we are in a heightened state of emergency than when we are calm, cool and collected. In desperation we will agree to almost anything. In some cases, we can be bullied into agreeing to do something which
we really do not want to do. This is an inappropriate form of making a promise and should be avoided at all costs. The results can be disastrous if taken to the extreme and this ploy needs to be recognized and diffused immediately.

Inevitably we run into a situation where a promise has been broken. In some financial situations, there are legally binding contracts which can be exercised at the discretion of the lender. In other more casual arrangements there is only a verbal agreement. One option for dealing with this unpleasantness is to put the responsibility of clearing the debt in the hands of the borrower. This way, they are making a deal on their own terms and in a way the deal is with themselves as much as it is with the lender. And because a promise has so much power, it it often used as the final bargaining chip when all else has failed. Clearly this can lead to a broken promise, and it can also lead to a broken friendship. People put a lot of stock in one's ability to keep one's word.

There are people whom we come across in person or hear about from others who have a well established reputation for keeping their word. These people we look up to as mentors. There was a time when politicians, media personalities, and sports heroes filled this bill. Sadly, this has all changed. We can no longer believe much of anything a politician says; we can believe little of what we hear or read in main stream media; and sports heros tarnish their reputations with alarming skill and regularity. However, we all know a few people who speak kindly of others, who steer clear of exaggeration, and who have the ability to see both sides of a discussion and weigh the pros and cons thoughtfully. These people help us maintain morality and integrity in our lives.

In Miguel Ruiz's remarkable book, "The Four Agreements", one of the keys is to be true to your word. This cardinal principle is a foundation building block for any relationship, whether it be of a personal nature or a societal one. Think hard before making a promise. It's a big deal!

The Etiquette Minute: Which Fork?

2011-07-21T12:55:00.000-07:00

Traveling with New Acquaintances

2011-07-18T03:39:00.000-07:00

Traveling while on vacation is one of my favorite things to do. In preparation for a long summer tourist season, I was lucky enough to take advantage of a kind invitation to visit a favorite vacation spot with some old pals whom I had not seen in years. When I was told that there would be some new guests along on the trip, I was characteristically thrilled. I love meeting new people and making new friends. We were to spend 10 days together, which is more than enough time to decide how the days would best be structured so everyone would be kept amused or as an option have a low key day if so desired. My host and hostess had appropriately arranged all of the meals ahead of time, as well as which days and nights we would be dining out. As I have mentioned before, it is always a good move on the part of the host to "avoid the avoidable", therefore making these plans was smart and reduced the number of decisions to make throughout the stay.

As a guest, I felt that I should at the very least make an effort to make those people whom I had not met as comfortable around me as possible. That does not mean I had any responsibility for their overall level of comfort, but I wanted a convivial atmosphere around me. Luckily for me the three ladies were great additions to our party and any effort required by me was minimal. It was a pleasure to share time with these new acquaintances.

I gave a tour of the property to one guest while the hosts managed with settling in the others. She had never been to this particular place and was captivated by the natural beauty, the sound of the crashing waves and the songs of the island's birds. Noticing land crabs and tortoise were a new experience and having a pal to share that with made a difference to her. Another guest was unaccustomed to the local flavors and by offering to explain the different foods to it her helped us to forge a friendship. The third woman and I had quite a lot in common including longstanding friendships with both host and hostess and we bonded by sharing some safe stories about our mutual friendships, which of course we expanded upon as we gained trust with one another's sense of humor.

Not surprisingly however, little tensions began to arise. As a professional on the subjects of respect and good manners, spotting these small incendiaries before they flared out of control and diffusing negative energy where possible comes somewhat naturally. However, it requires the agreement and participation of all involved to ease any tensions. It is not uncommon for people to argue about politics and religion or any variety of other subjects, but my feeling is that vacations are off limits for unseemly or aggressive discussions. To my way of thinking, making an effort to put other people's feelings ahead of our own goes a long way to ensuring smooth sailing for our time together. This is a basic cardinal rule of etiquette and one which not only makes sense, but requires common sense, a commodity of increasing scarcity in today's frenetic world.

As a guest who is new to the group, your enjoyment and level of happiness can be more elevated if you make an effort not to ruffle any feathers by bringing up provocative subjects and by refraining from making negative comments about the accommodations or food - unless there is a problem such as a malfunctioning toilet or if you have a real food allergy. When placed in such a position myself, I make an effort to find out as much about the other people as possible before I discuss anything which might be sensitive or controversial. By doing this, I can begin to see where we share common interests and views. To some people trying new foods and seeing new sights is considered a real adventure. To others, such experiences can cause uneasiness. Throw a full moon into the mix and you never know what could happen. I find therefore that treading softly is the better part of valor.

I do also try to follow the lead of my host. If he or she indicates that I may be skating on thin ice or that I have unwittingly touched upon a sensitive subject, I take note and retreat to safer ground. Likewise, however, if I notice that a guest is reacting to a comment as a personal criticism which someone has stated in an insensitive manner, I draw the perpetrator aside privately and quietly share with them my observation, of which they may be completely unaware. If I discover they were aware and simply being rude I suggest backing off, for the sake of the group as a whole. Group dynamics are every bit as important to consider when we are traveling as when we are conducting business. It's really as simple as that. The best advice meeting new people and vacationing as a group is to travel lightly and leave the excess baggage at home. Enjoy the time away in a different environment. Bon Voyage!

The Etiquette Minute: Riding the Bus

2011-07-14T10:41:00.000-07:00

Gum Chewing Etiquette

2011-07-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

Every once in a while a reader sends me a note which I feel compelled to share with others. The following is such a note and deals with one of my pet peeves - gum chewing in public, specifically discarding of what I will affectionately refer to as "The used wad".

Dear E.G.,

You may have heard this from others by now, but I must have my say. Why is there a problem with discarding gum? Swallow it! I have been swallowing gum for 60 years. I have chewed real gum, plastic gum (current version),bubble gum, and spruce gum and it has never "stuck up my insides" as we were told. Unless you plan to continue chewing it later, you can swallow gum without fear of it "sticking up your insides". That doesn't happen. Don't believe me? Leave it in your mouth as you eat and note how quickly it disintegrates. If you plan to chew it later, the bedpost is the only place I would accept parking it. Thumbs down to using the handle of your cup, behind your ear, and the seat belt. Thanks for your opinion. P.H.

Dear P. H.

I definitely share your views as far as the discarding of gum in a public place. It is complete and utter laziness and disrespect of others that some gum chewers insist on sticking their used wad in the obvious secret places with great regularity. Most of us are likely guilty of sticking it under a table or chair or I suppose tossing it on the ground. This does not make it any less disgusting. I am not a big fan of chewing gum in public to begin with and whether you choose to swallow it as this reader suggests or simply place it in its wrapper (good reason to save that wrapper too) or other scrap of paper and pitching in a litter bin, the choice is yours. Putting it on your own bedpost is an option I hadn't thought of, but why not!? Thanks for bringing up this sticking point. E.G.

Having said how I feel on the subject, I am well aware of the many benefits of chewing gum. One is its aid as a digestif. Another is assisting people in clearing their ear drums when ascending or descending in an airplane. A third is to help relieve nervous tension. All three of these practical applications can be very private. One does not need to be walking down the street smacking gum and blowing bubbles. It's unacceptable behavior at any age. I have plenty of friends who use gum to help refresh their breath after a meal. I think that's great and can be accomplished in a minute or two quietly and privately.

If gum gets stuck in your hair, or the hair of your child's playmate during a sleepover, a pair of scissors is a quick fix and a remedy which will not soon be forgotten. I am told that lighter fluid or nail polish remover works wonders as well, especially when you are the lucky one to walk right on top of a nice fresh chunk which blended cleverly into the sidewalk where you happened to be walking. If anyone else has any thoughts on this subject, now is a good time to jump right in!

As to swallowing gum, I have never heard any horror stories, therefore I will go along with that approach as well. It reminds me of the story I was always told as a child about swallowing cherry pits. I was told a cherry tree would start to grow out my stomach if I swallow a pit. Imagine how long it took for me try that one on for size? Alas, no cherry tree. I am not a proponent of swallowing any foreign object, of which cherry pits would be one, but I do think that if you are in a jam, we can gulp down a bit of gum without any harm.

The act of chewing gum should remain a private activity. I know of no one who finds it a good look to either see or hear. If you find pleasure in blowing bubbles, find a pal and go off and have your bubble blowing contests in private. Yes, they are fun. We have all gone through that stage. Just watch out that the bubble doesn't burst all over your face and get into your hair. Your whole view of the joys of gum chewing could change in a heartbeat! When finished with gum, wrap it up and throw it away responsibly. You will even feel better than you can imagine with this simple act of sanitary respect.

The Etiquette Minute: Uninvited Guests

2011-07-07T12:45:00.000-07:00

The Etiquette of Friendship

2011-06-30T12:27:00.000-07:00

One of life's greatest pleasures for me is traveling. I am really in my element when I see new places and meet new people. I have recently returned from a wonderful trip to England as many of you know. And now, as I type this, I am on Air Canada winging my way south to the magical island of Mustique for a ten day vacation. I admit, I am one very lucky guy. Given the fact that twelve years has passed since my last overseas trip however, I am not feeling even a twinge of guilt. And as it turns out, not so surprisingly, that one of the common denominators which ties these two delightful getaways together is friendship.

On my trip to England I was hosted by one of my most trusted colleagues and closest friends, Britain's youngest etiquette expert, William Hanson. Although we had developed a friendship over the years through correspondence, the opportunity to actually meet face to face can only be chalked up to serendipity. Friends are like that though. We meet some people with whom we form lifetime friendships quite by chance. In fact, most close relationships more than likely form that way.

On my current trip, in contrast, I am be being hosted by a friend of 40 years, but someone whom I haven't seen in over a dozen years. But somehow over the years though, we have remained as close as many brothers and sisters might have done. We have kept up with most, although not all of the major events in one another's lives; and we have acknowledged most birthdays and Christmases, important family milestones, such as births, marriages and deaths. But more importantly we have held each other in our hearts. We have thought of each other often, occasionally picking up the phone or firing off an email just to stay in touch and to say I love you.

Our lives all take paths which veer off in directions which we could never have imagined. Our interests change. Our significant relationships change. We raise families, deal with health issues, both our own and those of loved ones. Yet somehow through the tangled web we weave and call our life, we somehow magically maintain a few very special friendships. We all know who these people are. We know how much they mean to us. Sometimes we might even know how much we mean to them. But without them we both know our lives would simply not be the same.

Personally, I am blessed with a number of great friends. Those whom I am fortunate enough to see only once every few years, if I'm lucky, hold a different place in my mind than those with whom I spend most of my time. There is something different about seeing people everyday. We get used to them and sometimes we might even take our friendships for granted. This shocking thought came to mind recently and I began wondering what is going on here? Do I really not appreciate my everyday friends as much as I might were I not so fortunate to see them all the time? There is the old expression "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Is this what is really happening to me?

The answer for me and for many of you will more than likely be a resounding yes. This sudden awareness sort of woke me up to the whole notion of friendship and how grateful I am to have my friends.

As I began thinking about who my friends really are, where they are, and what they are doing with their busy lives, I realized that that list is really, really important to me. I am not revealing some hidden secret here. We all know exactly what I'm talking about. But like the sudden reminder I just received quite unexpectedly, I hope you are reminded of this in the same way.

Get out that old address book. With any luck, you've jotted down most people in it in pencil, so you can keep current with their addresses and telephone numbers, cell phones, and so forth. As you go through the dog-eared pages, you too will be flooded with a whole host of memories. I hope most of them are great ones. Some will be sad. People inevitably move out of our lives for a variety of reasons. Some even die. But for those who bring a smile to your face and a warm feeling into your heart, experience the real sense of gratitude for having these people in your lives. This is your happiness well. Drink from it often. Never let them go. Reconnect with them, even if it's a quick note or a phone call. And for heaven's sake, tell them you love them and that you are thinking about them. Happiness is a two way street. I hope my friends know who they are. But just in case, I'm going to make sure they do. I encourage you to do the same.

Invitations to Singles

2011-06-27T05:14:00.000-07:00

During my recent trip to London, I was speaking with a colleague while taking afternoon tea at The Wolseley. One question which came up was one of sending invitations for weddings to single (unmarried or otherwise unattached) people. My friend, a social commentator and etiquette expert from Toronto (now living in London) was very clear that she felt that any single guest should be given the opportunity to bring along a guest of her choice to a wedding and that the invitation should always include "and guest".

After mulling this idea over in my head for a while, I decided that I have to disagree with this idea as I feel that this request is not usually a reasonable one. There are any number of factors to consider when constructing a guest list for any event, a wedding being no exception. For one thing, there can be space constraints; there can be budgetary restraints; and there can be legitimate personal preferences, such as not wanting total strangers at what is usually a very private affair. Although I can understand that attending parties and events such as weddings as a single person can feel awkward, it is not the responsibility of the host to accommodate unknown guests as a rule. If the host decides that single guests can bring a friend along, then it will be indicated on the invitation. It would be considered rude to ask to bring a friend to any event where invitations are issued and it would be unacceptable to simply show up with an uninvited guest in tow.

There will occasionally be instances where the host may be unaware of recently established relationships, which would actually make a single invitation awkward or even inappropriate. Generally speaking if a couple sees themselves as "an item", they should receive a joint invitation. If there has been a real oversight made, which can happen quite inadvertently, then it would be acceptable to phone the host and explain the situation immediately upon receiving the invitation. If a relationship emerges after the invitations are sent, but before the event takes place, it is still incorrect to call and ask if you may bring a guest. It's important to remember that weddings can be very expensive affairs, often costing the host well in excess of $100 per guest. If you feel too uncomfortable going out by yourself, you are obliged to regret the invitation or steel your nerves and soldier on.

I have also been asked if it is acceptable to invite one person of an unmarried couple to an event such as a wedding if the other person is unknown or even disliked by the host. Unfortunately this is not acceptable. I'm afraid you have to take the good with the bad.Once a couple becomes a couple, they should be treated as such. It is insulting to do otherwise. My experience has been that most people can pull themselves together and not ruffle too may feathers when attending private functions. If you know that unpleasantness is likely, it is best not to invite them if you are unwilling to cope with whatever may come your way civilly. I am a firm believer of editing guest lists as necessary when friend's lives change and negative energy overtakes them. As host, not only do you have complete control over the guest list, you also have the responsibility of assuring all of your guests have an enjoyable time. Unless you have an agenda which includes potential surprises, my advice is to "avoid the avoidable".

Whenever I am putting together a guest list for myself or for a client, I try to consider single people carefully, being sure to seat them with people they know. I also like for them to have friends at the party with whom they will feel comfortable. Not everyone is an extrovert and for anyone who is somewhat shy or withdrawn, I make a special effort to ensure that they will not feel stranded. It takes special thought and a good deal of time to construct a good guest list. When you receive an invitation, remember that the host has likely given a lot of thought to this matter. If you have not been invited to bring a guest, or your children for that matter, don't assume it's an oversight.

For informal picnics or last minute get togethers where no invitations are actually sent, the rules are totally different and very much more relaxed. Let common sense be your guide. When it's your turn to throw the bash, you'll appreciate the cooperation from your guests as well.

The Etiquette Minute: Opening Doors

2011-06-16T17:10:00.000-07:00

The Etiquette Minute: How to Address Royalty

2011-06-13T08:12:00.000-07:00

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 21

2011-06-06T16:01:00.000-07:00

CHCT TV The Etiquette Guy Show 21 from Jay Remer on Vimeo.

Agree to Disagree

2011-06-02T17:17:00.000-07:00

As a professional etiquette expert, I find myself engaging in a lot of discussions both in person and on line about various topics related to my field. In fact some of the more interesting conversations relate to the different ways people from different countries get

through the day whether it be conducting themselves in business or socially while dining with friends and family. Even among so-called experts there seem to be opinions which conflict. This unfortunately leads to a lot of confusion when such simple questions such as what to do with your napkin while leaving the table or where to place dessert cutlery when setting the table arise. These discussions seem to go round and round endlessly with all parties involved terribly concerned about defending their theory as being the truth, and unwilling to stop until proven right.

This same pattern of behavior occurs in many aspects of our lives. Sometimes the differing points of view are very subtle and of little if any real consequence anyway. In the minds of those holding the differing points of view though, they become as large as life and worth defending to the point of incivility. How many of these "critically important" matters are even remembered a week later? There may be some merit in reminding ourselves of this point when we begin to feel our blood pressure rise as we ready our defenses.

What is interesting about being human is our need for acceptance. In order to form a healthy sustainable society, we need to be friends with, or at the very least, trust one another. We rely on other people in our community for many important reasons. There are modern day hunters and gathers, warriors and guardians, and teachers and sages. They are the people who grow our crops, prepare, process, package and purvey our sustenance. They are the protectors of our borders and help preserve our chosen way of life. They allow one generation to follow another with the knowledge and wisdom needed to maintain the very society in which we live. The more accepting and understanding we are of the people whose lives intersect ours, the happier life is for everyone.

Today, there seems to be a growing need to be right. As we zoom through our busy schedules, we seem to find time to stop and make sure that those around us not only accept us, but agree with us as well. The idea that what we believe and the principles by which we live our lives is the right way, the truth if you will, leads to a separation of sorts and ironically leads us on a path towards rejection - an unhealthy ingredient in any attempt to be a part of society and certainly not what we really want and need.

To strike a balance which we can all live with, we eventually come to the realization that we need to compromise on certain of our strongly held beliefs and principles. This does not mean that we have to change our value systems by altering our principles. It means that we must develop the ability to agree to disagree. Herein lies a fundamental human value - compassion. This means having compassion for friends and family, but more importantly, to have compassion for ourselves. We need to give ourselves a break, to take a time out, or simply to chill. As we develop this ability, we realize that what we have found is a deep respect for one another. By understanding that a healthy society can be homogeneous as long as we are respectful of one another, our lives can become more relaxed and we can become more accepting of those around us without necessarily agreeing with everything they think, say or do.

Because needing to be right is usually expressed as a form of bullying, whether it be in the office or at home, we would do well to be more aware of when we adopt these behaviors ourselves. By noticing when and why we take certain actions or make some statements, we can then begin to change them. We can begin to set examples for our children and our friends by being more tolerant and compassionate. One of the benefits of not always being right is that we don't have the burden of responsibility which comes with upholding, even defending our principles. Let the other person be 'right' for a change. Take a time out every now and again. It's amazing how, by putting other people ahead of ourselves, our own lives change for the better and our self esteem improves. Agreeing to disagree can make for a kinder gentler world.

The Joys of Travel

2011-05-30T08:15:00.000-07:00

Visiting close friends in foreign lands is one of life's greatest pleasures. Many of us have friends and family who live overseas and an occasion to visit them and their homeland can be one of the most rewarding experiences we can have, being both invigorating and relaxing at the same time. I have discussed the perils of travel in past columns, but here I would like to share some observations of the things which made a strong impression on me during my recent trip to England. It had been about eight years since I last had the good fortune to spend time abroad, a gap of time which I hope never to repeat!

As my luck would have it, my host for this trip was my trusted friend and colleague, William Hanson. As one of Britain's foremost etiquette and entertainment authorities, his hosting abilities were as gracious as any I have ever enjoyed. We had corresponded over the past several years, but we had never actually met face-to-face and the understandable anticipation for me was reminiscent of a first day at school. I was not alone in my excitement as jokes began appearing on social network sites about two etiquette experts going to a pub (neither of us drink), or comments such as "how much trouble can two etiquette experts get into?". Nonetheless, we had a blast with plenty of laughs as we walked around Manchester Center, where he lives, shopping, dining, and enjoying a relaxed and unhurried life.

One thing that caught my attention was many of the words which are commonly used "across the pond", but which are not at all in our vocabulary in North America. Hobs (burners on a stove top) and barms (bread rolls) were two which required explanation. I find however that even though the words are English, there are no equivalents in our everyday English usage. They are specific to British English and as such, fascinate me. Fortunately my host has great patience and handled my finicky questions with kindness.

I love visiting food shops of all kinds. I have always made it a point to visit markets everywhere I go, even in the US and Canada. Britain is no exception and the offerings did not disappoint. I will share one of many such examples. As a lover of all dairy products, especially cream and cheese, I am boggled by how different such basic commodities are from country to country. In America, for example we have light cream, half and half, and heavy cream. In Canada we have coffee cream and cereal cream. In Britain, they have single, double, clotted, Devon and whipping cream. Each of the above listed creams amazingly enough have different fat contents. I had forgotten just how luxurious even single cream from a Jersey cow could be. It's probably a lucky thing my visit was just a week!

Taking the time to investigate and discuss such subtle cultural differences leaves an impression on the local shopkeepers and friends, and indicates a genuine level of interest in how they live. Such simple gestures, which for me are more of a passion than an effort, make time spent away from the 'routine' life at home all the more enjoyable. I find that the old adage "when in Rome" can really open doors. One of the keys to having a great trip is to remember that people in other countries, even those whose culture is very similar to our own, do things differently. There is absolutely no sense in complaining about these differences. My advice to people who don't see and savor the particular cultural differences of a country is to stay at home. When we travel to other parts of the world expect things to be new and embrace such differences. This is a basic reason for travel which makes us more understanding. Observing, and learning the way locals act and live broadens our perspective on the world around us. In a world which in many ways seems to be getting smaller and smaller, we do ourselves a big favor by becoming more accepting of other people's ways of life and values. We needn't adopt such life styles, although we may decide to try a few, but we can be respectful.

I did very little research before beginning this journey, limiting my googling to theaters and restaurants, primarily because I have been to England many times. I do think I would have benefitted at least slightly by refreshing my knowledge of tipping, taxis, and dressing for the weather. I think most of us would. I encourage everyone who has the privilege of traveling abroad to begin the journey with an open mind and fill your adventure with new observations and experiences along the way. It will help to ensure a pleasant and memorable trip, whether on business or pleasure.

Preparing to Travel Etiquette

2011-05-24T09:04:00.000-07:00

Suddenly it dawned on me! I haven't really travelled anywhere (as in "on a jet plane") in a long, long time. An opportunity to go to England came along; the busy summer tourism season has yet to begin; so I made the decision to go and I am packing my bags. As I began thinking about such details as weather, the weight of my empty suitcases (yes, I still actually pack a suitcase), and potential flat tires between me and the airport, a number of tasks to complete and other considerations came flooding into my mind.

I believe in allowing plenty of time for planning, for packing, and for traveling. Whenever possible, having a flexible schedule makes it more probable that important matters will be handled prior to departure and essential items will be packed and not left on the bathroom shelf.

What to pack is always a challenge. Were I to spend more time focusing on this, I would be less likely to return home with half a case full of unused garments. My philosophy has always been 'better safe than sorry'. I am not of the school of packing lightly. I pack as much as I could possibly need and still stay within the weight limits imposed by the airlines today.

Peace of mind is one of the greatest benefits of travel - if you can swing it. I find that if I can pay whatever bills might be due in my absence, I can relax far more easily. While this may not always be possible (depending on the duration of your visit, etc.), I do find that putting my desk in order prior to departure is a huge stress reliever. Whether you work in a large office or for a small company, be sure to alert your boss before you make too many plans. Remember that as well as you may know the inner workings of your work place, none of us are mind readers. Be sure your travel plans aren't going to be too great of an inconvenience. Time away from work is necessary, healthy, and expected. But for some reason it is rarely convenient. Being as thoughtful of others when making your own plans does not go unnoticed. When the shoe is on the other foot, your respectful behavior will pay you dividends. People are not surprisingly

more willing to bend over backwards for you if you have shown your willingness to do the same for them.

Lining up a house sitter, a baby sitter, or a pet sitter is one of those tasks which needs to be completed well before you start purchasing those non-refundable airline tickets. I could regale you with far too many stories about putting off this detail until the last minute. Not only can this be a potential deal breaker, it is a guaranteed stress maker. We all know how crucial these people are to our happiness. Treat them like gold. Without them, the priceless peace of mind we so desire is impossible. After all, we are entrusting our children, our pets, and even our irreplaceable Night Blooming Cereus, to their capable hands.

One of the joys of visiting friends is bringing them a house present. A gift for our host(s) is essential. This is a custom which predates the Trojan Horse and shows our appreciation in a tangible and lasting way. Some people are more difficult than others to find that perfect gift for, but I recommend persevering. Not until you are truly satisfied that we have come up with a meaningful present will really feel the gratitude you wish to express. The thrill of finding just the right gift is a great way to start off any trip. When we are visiting friends, especially if we are staying with them, we have some responsibilities as guests. It should be obvious that specific arrival and departure times should be fixed and adhered to. Offer to help with kitchen and dining room chores such as cooking, setting the table, and washing up the dishes, pots and pans. We

are not guests in a hotel and the offer to assist is very much appreciated, even if it is declined. Some hosts prefer to do things themselves. If this is the case, do not insist on interfering. Do offer to strip your bed at the end of your stay. This offer may also be declined, however the offer will be taken for its good intention.

I cherish the time I have to share with loved ones in far away lands. With careful planning ahead of time, and with a feeling of gratitude in our hearts, we can turn these times into long lasting good memories for everyone!

Dog Walking Etiquette

2011-05-19T04:52:00.001-07:00

One of the most rewarding activities many people enjoy now that the weather is warming up is taking their dogs for nice leisurely walks. The hurried cold winter walks are part of the past now, and joining friends to walk around town and catch up on local gossip is back on the schedule. I enjoy walking or cycling through town and seeing the greenery reappearing, the flowers dotting the many yards and the gardens beginning to show their forms. I know the small garden I have in front of my house is not much to see at the moment, but it does have a few perennials whose shoots are emerging from their winter's rest.

As I was walking down the sidewalk, I approached a lady with her dog who was standing squarely in the weed covered patch which is my garden. I mentioned casually that I would have to put up a short fence this year in order to keep dogs from using the spot. This seemed like a reasonable statement to me, but the woman was surprised. She suggested that I post a sign for dogs to keep off. I said that I supposed that I did need to do just that. And that concluded the conversation.

As I reflected on what had just occurred, I wondered whether other neighbors had to post signs on their garden plots to protect them from dogs being exercised. There are a lot of dogs in our small town and if every one of them lifted their legs or squatted on our gardens, they're be little left to enjoy; the soil would be ruined and the ground would be nasty to put work with your hands, to say the least!

The first and foremost point of etiquette when walking or exercising,(i.e. taking your dog out to relieve themselves) is to respect other people's property, including their gardens. If you have ever knelt down to weed your garden, only to come into contact with a fresh pile of dog poo and the stench of urine, you know how off putting that experience can be. No one enjoys it and everyone's dog's poo is disconcerting; yes, everyone's! My advice is twofold. One, don't let your dog into anyone's garden. Two, if you're unsure if where your dog is wandering is a garden or not, assume that it is and stay away. Put yourself in the gardener's shoes. Three, remember to always clean up after your dogs!!! There are plenty of free bags around town.

Do be sure to keep your dog on leash if there are town leash laws. This is not only for the safety of the animal but also for other animals, including cats and squirrels, even other dogs and children. It is also a safety factor for motorists. I have seen too many dogs dart out into the street once they see something they wish to chase. This can end in disaster and both the animal and driver can be injured and frightened badly.

If you make the decision to entrust your child with walking the family pet, be sure you have walked the route with them before; be certain the leash and collar or harness fit the dog correctly. I have been amazed at out quickly a dog can escape a collar that is too loose. I recommend a nylon slip lead collar or a harness as the safest equipment. I also suggest that all dogs go to a puppy kindergarten class or some kind os socialization class. This provides novice owners with invaluable skills so that walking your dog is a fun and healthy experience, not a minefield of risk and fear.

Doggie etiquette may also involve dog parks. At every enclosed park there is a set of clearly posted rules. These rules are important; they have been carefully written; and they must be followed - all of them by everyone. Most require dogs to be off leash. This is very important because dogs cannot communicate with each other if they are constrained by a leash. If you are unsure about how your dog will react in such an environment, ask a friend who owns a dog to go with you when the park is quiet. Let your two dogs interact off leash. If this goes well, you can feel confident that things will likely be okay. If this kind of risk is uncomfortable for you, stay out of the park.

Find a routine that you and your dog(s) enjoys. Dogs thrive on routine and the closer you can stick to one, the more fun and less stress both you and your dog will experience. After all, walking your dog should be one of the greatest joys of both your life and your dog's. If it isn't, it's likely your fault, not your dog's. Practicing unconditional love, just as your dog does, is one of life's greatest pleasures.

Dog Walking Etiquette

2011-05-19T04:52:00.000-07:00

One of the most rewarding activities many people enjoy now that the weather is warming up is taking their dogs for nice leisurely walks. The hurried cold winter walks are part of the past now, and joining friends to walk around town and catch up on local gossip is back on the schedule. I enjoy walking or cycling through town and seeing the greenery reappearing, the flowers dotting the many yards and the gardens beginning to show their forms. I know the small garden I have i front of my house is not much to see at the moment, but it does have a few perennials whose shoots are emerging from their winter's rest.

Grooming Etiquette For Men

2011-05-16T04:34:00.000-07:00

Traveling to visit friends is one of my greatest pleasures. Invariably I am introduced to new people along the way who naturally ask me, "So, what do you do?" Once I explain that I present etiquette seminars, I can see their lips begin to quiver with a burning desire to share with me some pet peeve they have about other people's habits. In discussing grooming for men here are a few simple guidelines and suggestions.

One refined gentleman recently asked me to write about his pet peeve, namely men's grooming habits, particularly facial hair. He expressed his concerns about the goal of some men to achieve the look of the perfect two-day growth of beard. I must admit that an explanation required some thought. What began as a Hollywood macho/casual look has taken the fashion world by storm and has become a contemporary statement of sorts for some men.

There is no question that this relatively new style has a certain appeal and charm for many people, but it is too casual for formal business no matter how neat and tidy. That said, I am not suggesting that judging a book by its cover is either smart or appropriate. For most men who grow beards or other facial hair, they do so to give themselves the look that provides them a feeling of confidence, style and distinction. I am a big fan of a neatly groomed beard in part because I can't grow a proper one myself. Maintaining a beard takes a lot of time and effort and is certainly not a sign of laziness. I think as time goes on and old school conventions become more flexible or disappear entirely, facial hair will not be an issue even in the most formal situations. Sloppiness will never be in style however; therefore if you choose to sport a beard or mustache, keep it neat.

In addition to paying careful attention to beards and such, the hair on your head should be kept neatly trimmed and clean. Combing or brushing is essential to keeping a neat and confident appearance. In my opinion, "comb-overs" look ridiculous and unfortunately do not retain a youthful image. If balding is undesirable, premature or otherwise, there are other ways to maintain a fuller head of hair. Dry scalp is another affliction which needs attention. Dandruff on a dark blue suit is very unattractive and indicative of poor grooming. There are plenty of products available to cure this condition. And vigorously and constantly scratching an itchy scalp is disgusting. It is also a sign of disrespect. Looking one's best shows respect for others and for one's self.

For those who have a tendency to sprout neck hair, shave it off as needed. Nothing shows sloppiness more clearly than any unwanted hair. Check yourself carefully in the mirror and if necessary have someone else shave areas which you cannot see. Remember that just because you can't see it, everyone else can and I have yet to find anywhere in history that neck hair was a fashion statement. That goes for nose and ear hairs. If you will be spending time shirtless, removing epaulets and back hair is considerate to those around you!

In this day and age one would expect bathing to be de rigeur, but sadly it isn't. For anyone given to heavy perspiration, taking special care to find an effective deodorant or antiperspirant is highly recommended. Some people need to bathe more frequently than others (just like some need to shave more or less often). It goes without saying that going out in public with body odor is offensive to all around you and is a sign of weakness and slovenliness. Likewise, masking natural body odors with colognes is offensive to most people and in fact can cause severe allergic reactions to a growing number of people. If one enjoys wearing a favorite scent, it should be applied so that only the person wearing it and someone very nearby can smell it. Otherwise it can be overbearing and inappropriate.

Finally, wearing clean clothes every day is the mark of a courteous and properly groomed man. In business and on social occasions being well groomed entails polished shoes, pressed trousers and shirts, and clean and trimmed finger nails. The color of your socks should match your trousers; and your belt and shoes should be the same color and material. If you're feeling especially adventurous, keep in mind that sporting one piece of untraditional or brightly colored clothing is acceptable at even the most formal occasions. More than that makes you look like a peacock. At informal and festive occasions, costumes are lots of fun, but be discerning. If you must stand out, do so with your wit, not your attire.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 20

2011-05-10T13:12:00.000-07:00

CHCT TV The Etiquette Guy Show 20 People with Disabilities from Jay Remer on Vimeo.

Respectful Workplace

2011-05-06T07:42:00.000-07:00

Here is a recent article I did for an organization called Respectful Workplace.

As I’ve suggested before, now is the time to begin implementing some of the hopes and goals we set for ourselves for the new year. As the earth shows rebirth and renewal in so many ways, it is perhaps the greatest opportunity for us to take a look inside of ourselves. After all, if we cannot set aside time to perform some internal spring cleaning, how will we be able to get down to the brass tacks of carrying out external chores?

Read the full article here. Get out and enjoy spring!

Stage of Life

2011-05-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

Stage of Life is a website that I contribute to on a regular basis as their trusted "in-house" etiquette expert. Stage of Life was developed to provide information and guidance for people throughout every phase of their life from High School to Retirement. I recommend the content of the site to everyone as an excellent resource for a variety of occasions. Their motto is "Changing the World...One Story at a Time."

You click to read my section here or visit the full site at www.stageoflife.com. It's an amazing source of info for almost any situation. Strongly endorsed by me!

The Etiquette of Giving of One's Self

2011-04-29T08:09:00.000-07:00

Easter weekend has arrived! For many people this is an important religious holiday where the resurrection of Christ is celebrated. For others who do not officially recognize this day as religiously significant, the symbolic meaning of this time of year is universally understood. It is spring and evidence of rebirth and rejuvenation abounds. Nature's brilliant palette begins to burst forth; the air is refreshed with the return of warmer weather; and we are ready to emerge from the winter months with renewed energy.

Traditionally Easter is a holiday at which time gifts are exchanged. We give flowers, candies, chocolates and colorful eggs. A large meal shared with our closest friends and family often caps off the day. When we enjoy such gatherings we are reminded of the deep connections we share with one another. We take this time also to include people who are new to town and might not have a place to share a special meal. We express our feelings of gratitude, joy and love through the exchange of greeting cards and toasts around the dinner table.

I found myself surrounded by some very close friends recently and am looking forward to spending Easter this year with old friends and family members whom I see far too infrequently. I began thinking about why these people mean so much to me and why I decided to drive for 12 hours to be with some of them. The common denominator which came to mind was generosity. Some people have given thoughtful gifts; some have been open minded and available to listen at a moment's notice; others have displayed a generosity of spirit. I have been the lucky recipient of their gifts; however, I have also been equally as uplifted by watching the consistency of their generosity with everyone else in their lives. These special people are some of my mentors and that justifies the drive.

There are many different interpretations of generosity. However we define it, practicing it in whatever way we can makes us feel good. Perhaps we enjoy volunteering our time visiting our friends who are housebound for whatever reason. We could offer to go grocery shopping, recycle their bottles and cans, rake their leaves, or pick up their mail. These simple acts are a very effective way to show our love, appreciation, and respect for one another. Taking people for a ride in your car on a bright sunny day is another act of kindness that is usually appreciated. It affords time for people to get some sunshine and fresh air, see new sites, and engage in conversation. People who live alone love these short day trips.

Children also enjoy and benefit from any time we can share with them. We are their teachers and they regards much of what we do as acceptable and correct. Being a role model for a child is a big responsibility. We are often role models without knowing it and our behavior is always under someone's watchful gaze. How many time have you ever been 'busted' doing something you might regret? In our minds we experience a little disappointment because we know we've done something that we would not want children to interpret as okay behavior.

One of the things people tend to remember the most are the 'firsts' in their lives: the first time they rode their bike without training wheels; their first great sports accomplishment; their first kiss; losing their first close friend or pet. The people who are with them during these meaningful times can be significant during celebrations and times of grief. Being empathetic to another person's situation is an act of generosity which is a true gift. Our willingness to sit with someone, to hug someone, to cry tears of sorrow and to scream cheers of joy is perhaps the most meaningful way we can show our friendship and generosity.

Being aware of how much we share our generosity is important. In a world where gratitude can be sadly lacking, looking in the mirror and knowing that we have put someone else's needs and feelings ahead of our own is very fertile ground for gratitude. We too often forget to acknowledge our own good fortune found in the opportunities we have to perform random acts of kindness; to drop something we're doing to help someone with an urgent problem; or to pick up the telephone to check in with a relative or friend. Take a moment to think of all the ways you are already generous. It might surprise you and encourage you to do even more. You'll feel even better about yourself and the world will be a better place.

Maybe this is the time of year to begin fulfilling that New Years resolution of being a better friend, staying in closer touch with family, and volunteering in your community. These are all generous acts which give us more respect for ourselves for for others.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 19

2011-04-26T08:06:00.000-07:00

CHCT TV Etiquette Guy Show 19 from Jay Remer on Vimeo.

A Royal Wedding

2011-04-22T06:15:00.000-07:00

Few historical events hold my attention like a royal wedding. I can remember the very first one I watched on a small scratchy black and white television. HRH Princess Margaret was married to photographer Antony Armstrong Jones. On May 6,1960 this was the first royal wedding ever broadcast on television and was widely viewed by millions of people around the world. I was immediately attracted to the pomp and ceremony and have never looked back. As a result of my interest in the royal family and the protocol surrounding important events, I have watched with great interest many such televised ceremonies including weddings, funerals, the opening of Parliament, and the Trooping of the Colour.

I have been asked a number of detailed questions surrounding this wedding and in my research, have discovered a number of fascinating bits of trivia as well as an alarming amount of misinformation. Hopefully I will reveal some of the former and not contribute further to the latter. I am fortunate to have a very well informed colleague, William Hanson, a tutor at The English Manner and regular social commentator on BBC Radio who has assisted me from "across the pond" to verify certain facts.

I have also had the pleasure of meeting members of several royal families and as a result have been prompted on a number of do's and don'ts. Not only are the British royals a kind and considerate family, they are fun-loving, generous of time and spirit, unstintingly philanthropic, and very original in spite of being the bastions of tradition.

The impending marriage of HRH Prince William of Wales to Miss Catherine Middleton promises to be a beautiful and historic wedding. There are a number of interesting traditions which this wedding will include:

-The gold for Kate's ring, for example, comes from a nugget mined in a Dolgellau, North Wales gold mine, a custom dating back to 1923.

-The flowers in her bouquet will likely be white and with a sprig of myrtle from a shrub planted by Queen Victoria after her wedding.

-The bouquet will be left at Westminster Abbey at the grave of the Unknown Warrior, a custom first adopted by the late Queen Mother.

-Prince William will be wearing a military uniform as did his father and grandfather .

Breaking from tradition, there will be an element of flexibility exhibited. Such signs of a more modern monarchy began in earnest with the late Princess Diana. For example, she felt it was important for her sons to carry money, something the royal family never did; and to experience more closely things which the general public enjoys.

Breaks from tradition will include:

-Prince William has decided as a personal preference on not wearing a wedding band.

-The bridal party will include two three-year olds as well as a maid of honor (very untraditional)

-Prince William's brother, Prince Harry, will be best man and make a best man speech(another first)

-Catherine and her father will arrive at Westminster Abbey in the Queen's Rolls Royce Phantom, as it has large windows through which onlookers get the best view. Customarily a horse drawn carriage was used.

-The ceremony itself will begin at 11 am. and will be followed by a buffet style wedding breakfast hosted by Her Majesty.

There will be two wedding cakes; one being the traditional fruit cake; the other a groom's cake made of tea biscuits and chocolate(a favorite of Prince William).

-There will be a public kiss on the balcony at Buckingham Palace.

-A dinner dance hosted by the Prince of Wales will follow later in the evening.

-Gentlemen have the choice of three types are acceptable attire: military uniforms, morning dress(single-breasted coats with tails), or lounge suits(business suits). Ladies will wear dresses, gloves, and hats.

Part of the magic of a wedding of this magnitude is the mystery in which so many details are shrouded. As with any wedding, we want to be awestruck by the bride's beauty. Catherine, as she wishes to be referred, will not disappoint. Which branch of the military William will represent has not been disclosed. He has served in three.

Once married, Her Majesty will announce what titles the couple will assume. They will most likely be given titles of Duke and Duchess. There are several possibilities. The destination for the couple's honeymoon is under total wraps, although a warm climate has been indicated.

There will of course be a plethora of souvenirs which enables everyone to have a memento of this extraordinary day. The Royal Canadian mint for one has just unveiled two collector coins to go on sale April 29th. A 25 cent piece that depicts the royal couple and a Canadian 20 dollar pure silver coin that features a sapphire colored crystal enhancement symbolizing the engagement ring given to Catherine by William.

I wish the couple all the best for their future lives together; for the longevity of the monarchy; and for the continued positive impact the royal family has on Canada.

Election Etiquette

2011-04-12T11:14:00.000-07:00

I recall my very first election. I was 14 years old and away from home at a school where I knew very few people. My classmates and I had to elect our class president. Each of us gave serious thought to this serious decision and responsibility. Needless to say, we did not all vote for the same person, but we did all vote. And after the ballots were tallied we unanimously supported the winning person as though we each had voted for him. That was an illustration of democracy at work successfully. This person went on to be class president for the next four years as well. There were no campaigns, no promises of reform, and no twisted arms. This guy won the election every year because we knew in our hearts that if a key decision needed to be made, he would make his choice because it was best for the class as a whole and not for any personal agenda he may have had.

I also remember supporting public candidates, even before I was old enough to vote. Learning to weigh the pros and cons of a platform was all a part of growing up. When I reached voting age, I made sure I was registered and that I voted. If I felt that if an elected official I had voted for let the team down by breaking a campaign promise, I had a right to challenge him or her. I was always puzzled by those people who gave up their right to vote because they didn't think it would matter anyway. Yet they still felt they had a right to complain any time something an elected official did or didn't do offended them. This behavior is very disrespectful of the democratic process.

An election has been called for early May. I hope people will take a moment to be grateful for the country in which we live and for the democratic principles which guide us. Not everyone in the world is this fortunate. Taking the privilege of voting for granted and discarding it as unimportant reveals a lot about people. One of the clearest things it reveals is how frustrated many of us become when what we believe being right is more important than being understanding, respectful and compassionate. If the person carrying our banner is criticized unjustly (part of the political process), we too often choose to fold our tents and throw up our arms in despair. We do not seem to want to take the time or make the effort to constructively defend our candidate. And then we scratch our heads and blame the system anytime things seem to go wrong or not in a direction that we prefer.

Our democratic process demands our respect and our participation. Every vote counts. If you believe in the principles of a party that is unlikely to win, vote for that party's candidate anyway. This is the magic and real value of the system and it is also its Achilles' heel. The number one job of a candidate on the campaign trail is to persuade their constituents to get out and vote. Whichever candidate does the best job at this, wins more often than not. The more people who vote, the more the democratic process demonstrates that it is working.

Naturally, prior to every election there are debates between the candidates. There are also discussions by the voters that result from these debates. These discussions can turn into heated arguments in a flash. As I mentioned earlier the reason for this is that the need for people to be right is a priority. I have found that by listening to all of the opinions which people have, I can more easily make a reasoned decision of my own. There is no need to raise one's voice. I have also noticed that people who raise their voices first, usually have the weakest arguments.

It is time to resurrect civility as part of the political process. By respecting one another's opinions, we can far more easily choose who and what is best for our communities. I am ashamed of most politicians today. They are elected to be our leaders and to set a good example for all of us. Not only do they demonstrate unkind, mean-spirited, and disrespectful behavior; they would have us believe that this sort of behavior is acceptable and in fact appropriate. It is not. I encourage voters to go to the poles and vote for the people they believe in. To hear someone state that they won't vote because they will only vote for who is going to win or no one at all is juvenile. It also sabotages our system. Well, you can't win if you don't play. And if you don't play, you have no business complaining when things don't go your way. There is no more important time to have respect and gratitude for the system that so many brave souls gave their lives for so we can live in the comfort and privilege of a free society. Voting ensures our freedom.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 18

2011-04-08T04:02:00.000-07:00

CHCT TV Etiquette Guy Show 18 from Jay Remer on Vimeo.

The Etiquette of the First Date

2011-04-04T17:54:00.000-07:00

I remember vividly the first time I asked someone to go out on a date. I hadn't been able to muster up the courage to make such an invitation until I knew that I had a fun evening planned which could more than make up for any perceived self inadequacies I might have had. I was just 17 and my date was a girl I had known since early childhood, when I really did not like her at all. It's amazing how children begin to turn into adults, grow up, and appreciate those things which we most feared. My intention on this date was to have an enjoyable evening with a nice girl, with no designs on anything else including another date. And that's just what happened. We enjoyed dinner and a show with friends and went on our separate ways.

Since then I have come to realize that first dates are not always that easy. We complicate things with anticipation, agendas, and intentions. I have recently been asked a number of questions about first dates. The most burning question not surprisingly has been about finances. Who pays the tab on the first date? The most traditional dates usually involved a man asking a woman on a date. This is very straight forward. The man pays, always, with no exceptions. As with any meal, the person who issues the invitation is the one who pays.

However, many first dates are not traditional and the guidelines of etiquette need to be more flexible. Perhaps a first date is simply a get together for coffee. Perhaps it is a date with a member of the same sex. Today it is not unusual for a woman to ask a man out for a first date. But in all of these cases, one person invites another and therefore is responsible for the bill. Subsequent dates are another matter because such meetings and who will pay can be decided mutually.

I would have never allowed a woman to pay for me, but times have changed. Women want to share financial responsibility, as is appropriate, and I have learned how to graciously accept their kind invitations. But it wasn't easy breaking old habits. My advice on any matters involving money, is to discuss them well ahead of time if there is any question at all. I would suggest that if the date is a simple one, such as coffee or a movie, perhaps alternating who pays is a good solution. On dinner dates, decide before you even make the reservation, who will pay. If you decide to split the bill, be sure to let the waiter know before you order. I advise against this however as it does not introduce any element of gratitude or generosity into the evening. Both of these ingredients are essential to any long term relationship.

Not all dates lead to a long term relationship however, and inviting someone out casually to a fun concert or event is a great way to say thank you for some past kindness. It is also a great way to strengthen a platonic friendship. Initiating a social outing is a fun way to break out of the work week. However, do be prepared for the occasional regret. Your schedule and your friend's won't always jive. Don't take it personally and don't demand an explanation. When you do ask someone to join you, make it clear that they will be your guest. More likely than not, they will reciprocate the invitation.

First dates are excellent times to make good impressions. You may even be meeting your date's parents for the first time. I advise people to wear clean clothes appropriate to the venue they will be visiting. Be freshly bathed and coifed. Brush your teeth and use a breath freshener. Don't talk too much about yourself. Find out as much as you can about what your date enjoys doing when not working or going to school. What books do they read; what music do they listen to; what movies do they watch? Steer away from controversial topics such as religious or political views until you have gotten to know the person a bit.

Before long, you will both have decided if you want to further your friendship or not. Have compassion for yourself and for your date if it becomes clear that you are not really compatible. Parting as friends eliminates any negative feelings either of you may have about one another. Compassion will be a strength in any ongoing relationship as well. Be sure to put the other person's feelings ahead of your own. This is a good rule of thumb for first dates and for any other first meetings for that matter. Treat one another with respect and kindness and your first date will be one you will remember.

The Etiquette of Yard Sales

2011-03-31T18:17:00.000-07:00

The warm spring weather brings with it the beginning of yard sales for 2011. We've already had a couple here in Saint Andrews, with more and more sprouting up as the weekends roll by. The first yard sale I ever went to was the town-wide sale here in 1997. This annual event will include over 40 different households and storefronts which set up tables in front of their houses and all along the front street with anything and everything for sale. Cleverly and ironically my first purchase was a shopping cart. Even though it was clear where this cart had originated, since I was buying it at the courthouse, I figured I was safe - and I was.

This purchase proved to be most useful. Luckily for me I was accompanied by a great yard sale enthusiast and in no time I had picked up a number of helpful tips, not the least of which was "keep moving". There are some guidelines for shopping at yard sales which will enhance your shopping pleasure. The number one pet peeve I hear from those people who set up their tables and yards is that potential customers arrive far too early. Just because the sign is up, doesn't mean they are open for business prior to the posted time. If it says 9 to 3, that's what it means. Arriving early and rummaging through bins and piles of household goods and clothing only frustrates and irritates the seller. I know people don't want to miss out on the star items for sale, but respect for the seller and his or her private property must be regarded.

If you are a smoker, do not flick your spent butt on the lawn or even on the street in front of the house or shop. That rule of course applies everyday, but one can imagine that during a yard sale the sheer volume of cigarette butts to pick up at the end of the day can be overwhelming and disgusting. Ask if there is someplace to deposit your cigarette. If there is not then put it in your pocket. That's just one of the hazards of smoking.

If you bring your small children along for the adventure, which I encourage, be sure they are never out of your eye sight. Explain to them that if they pick something up and they drop it or break it, they must be responsible for any damages and must fess up to the owner. Ultimately a dropped and broken item by you or your offspring is your liability. A yard sale is no different than a shop in this regard. Most of the time, accidents are forgiven, however, one should always offer, if not insist, on paying for the item. To avoid such embarrassment and expense, be very careful about handling items. If you are concerned about the fragility of something that catches your eye, or if you are not sure how something works, don't pick it up. Ask the seller to show it to you. If they say help yourself, then you're off the hook!

Usually everything at a yard sale has a price on it. Seasoned sellers are quite used to bargaining. If you want to offer a lower price, do so. This is part of the whole yard sale process. However, do not be insulting by offering too low a price. Also, do not berate the seller by indicating the price is "highway robbery". Once you come to an agreed upon price, do not gloat about what a steal you've just gotten until you've left the sale area. Gloating is a form of bullying and is rude and unbecoming. Finding a bargain is a time for gratitude and not for uncivil behavior.

If you are on the hunt for a particular item, ask the seller if they have such a thing. Just because something is not in plain view does not mean it isn't hidden away somewhere. Engaging people in conversation and discussing the kinds of things you enjoy collecting are ways to further enhance your browsing pleasure. People enjoy swapping stories about yard sale experiences as much as they do sharing a fishing story, and usually with the same stretch of the imagination.

Have your cash for purchases at the ready. That is the preferred and usually the only form of payment accepted. If you are known to the seller, perhaps a personal check would be okay. Having exact change is helpful. Too many times small bills and quarters become scarce. You will definitely be a hit and speed up the transaction at the same time if you are prepared in advance.

Respect your fellow shoppers. If they are examining an item, don't think that it is okay to grab the item until the person has put it down. Remember that there are very few truly unique and irreplaceable things in the world and that the next yard sale is just a week away. A yard sale is after all only about things!

Butt Flicking

2011-03-28T15:56:00.000-07:00

Several days ago a friend commented on how disgusted he was looking out his office window and watching a group of people smoking, huddled around the front entrance to another building. What irked him was the careless disposal of their cigarette butts onto the sidewalk or into the street. This act is a crystal clear example of disrespect. But this arrogance, to which many smokers feel they are entitled, is not the entire picture. One might ask, "Why doesn't the building provide suitable butt disposal receptacles; why don't the smokers put their butts in their cigarette packs; why, why, why not?" The list of arguments and suggestions are numerous. The basic principle of respect is what this simple act ignores completely. These folks have made a conscious choice to jeopardize their own health, which is their right. Being a reformed smoker, I sympathize with those who smoke and respect their choice. Quitting smoking requires a very big commitment and is much easier said than done.

There is also plenty of proof of the hazards of second hand smoke, hence the reason smokers are forced out of doors in the first place. Frankly, standing outside the entrance to a building and smoking does create an unpleasant atmosphere for others entering that building, another form of disrespect for others.

Flicking cigarette and cigar butts on the ground illustrates yet another case where entitlement takes hold. The thought process goes along these lines. "If I have to be inconvenienced to the point of being forced outside to have a smoke, I have every right to flick my butt into the street." For some it is such a knee jerk reaction that it doesn't seem to qualify as a conscious choice as much as a simple involuntary reaction. This is where disrespect is elevated to the level of arrogance.

This is why in front of some store fronts, even here in St. Andrews, cigarette butts can be seen strewn all over the sidewalk directly in front of a butt receptacle. Yet this behavior is evident in cities and towns everywhere. As a result, the responsibility to keep the sidewalks free of litter falls on the shoulders of the shopkeepers themselves, some of whom are oblivious to the eyesore and ignorant of the fact that their lack of caring is in and of itself, a form of disrespect. I know that I make a point of picking up butts in front of and behind my building when the culprits are actually smoking. In some cases this has a positive effect, but not always.

One can stroll down the avenues of bustling New York City and see cigarette butts whisked away by an army of street cleaners. However in smaller towns and villages, local pride can speak volumes to visitors on whom their entire economies depend.

This harkens back to the days when dogs could freely roam the street of cities and owners were not responsible for cleaning up after them. In fact, it wasn't even considered necessary. Your dog would do it's business in the street and the street sweeper would remove it in due course. I remember clearly the distinctive stench in cities like New York and especially Paris. Eventually laws were enacted banning such irresponsible practices and the difference to these cities was dramatic. For the most part today people pride themselves in looking after their dogs responsibly.

Legislating human behavior has historically proven to be ineffective except in such obvious cases as traffic laws and human rights. Even then, people are constantly pushing the envelope. What, then, can we do? One thing companies can do is to remind their employees that they are representing the company even when they are not working. Allowing workers to smoke during work outside an office building does indicate a lack of respect for the community if inadequate space and receptacles are not provided. Therefore, it comes down to each of us who smoke to take the moment it requires to leave our surroundings the way we found them. Much like the sign in the airplane washroom which asks each occupant to wipe the sink so the next passenger has a clean place to wash their hands, so too we should leave the streets and sidewalks as clean as they were when we walked onto them initially. Please keep in mind that flicking a lighted butt anywhere is a potential fire hazard.

It also is an opportunity to burn an animal's feet, like a dog walking along the street where a butt has just been carelessly flicked. Flicking your butt in the street, while driving a car, riding in a boat or even walking along a sandy beach or rocky coastline is just plain wrong. If this one careless thoughtless act were to be eliminated from our daily lives, it would send ripples of civility everywhere.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 17

2011-03-25T04:51:00.000-07:00

CHCT TV Etiquette Guy Show 17 from Jay Remer on Vimeo.

Spring Forward

2011-03-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

It happens to me when I least expect it. I change my mind. As the wheels start turning inside my head, I imagine that as a result of some new decision I have reached, I will hurt someone else's feelings. I will allow thoughts to churn away in my mind for weeks before gaining enough courage to ask someone for what appears to me to be a huge favor. In their reality, they looked at it as a chance to lend a helping hand. I have experienced first hand someone coming to me for a favor. In their eyes it is perceived as an imposition on me. In my eyes I see it as an opportunity to share and be grateful.

And I know this happens to other people because I was asked by several people this week how to avoid this very thing. One person decided to opt out of a housing arrangement for next year's college term. The conflict arose as they were coming up with a reason why they decided to change their mind which would not upset others involved. Another person was worried about telling an old high school friend they hadn't seen in years that they couldn't bunk in for the week while visiting from far away. A third person was concerned about not offending an overbearing whining child who was throwing a tantrum. These examples illustrate how easily we allow other people to control our lives and intrude upon our personal boundaries. And how in all of this we deal with feeling guilty or selfish for not wanting our lives turned upside down.

Now that we have just reset our clocks for Daylight Savings Time, why not consider resetting our internal control panel and take a look at how often we take responsibility for another person's feelings in exchange for some relief of guilt or fear. Spring is a time of rebirth and renewal. The amount of effort we use in trying to help others or on walking the fine line of offending someone is enormous. We quickly become zapped of energy and fall prey to confusion and pain. The amazing reality of all of this is that it usually is happening only in our imagination. We want to please everyone; we don't want to hurt anyone's feelings; we want to make everything nice. In short, we want to feel like we have some control in our lives.

The irony is that the more control we take over other people's lives, the less control we have of our own. I suggest some internal spring cleaning. It is very important to develop an awareness of where responsibility in our lives lies. We are in fact showing great disrespect for someone when we decide that we have a better idea of what is best for them than they have for themselves. We also are showing a lack of compassion for them and for us. This internal spring cleaning involves taking some time out to reflect on how we can use the precious time we have on earth to be of benefit to others without producing a negative end result for ourselves or others.

When I was a young boy, I remember my father explaining to me how to evaluate a situation using "the yellow pad". Drawing a line right down the center, he suggested writing the positive aspects on one side and the negative aspects on the other. This enables us to see the balance or imbalance of the situation and make our decision based on reason. This kind of thinking can happen in the blink of an eye with some practice. It can also be used to thoroughly investigate a challenge we face which may be of great importance. This technique works because we become more aware of how we feel about something and how our actions might affect other people.

Taking some time to consider our actions, both what we say and what we do, provides us with an opportunity to discern what is an appropriate course of action from what is inappropriate. Spring is the season to do this. Yes, it requires a commitment of time. It also gives a chance to reorder our priorities, to have a reality check. If we truly want to be of service to our communities and to our family and loved ones, it helps to be balanced on the inside. I encourage everyone to take a "time out". Push the reset button. Give people a chance to take responsibility for their own lives. They can do it!

The Wearing of the Green

2011-03-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

This week marks the celebration of St. Patrick’s Day here in New Brunswick. Celebrations have been ongoing this week and will culminate on Thursday, March 17th. This holiday honors the patron saint of Ireland and is primarily a religious holiday in Ireland. In this short column I will point out a few interesting facts, myths and traditions for St. Patrick’s Day. I hope these thoughts will be educational and give an understanding of Irish heritage.

St. Patrick was born in Wales. At the age of 16 he was captured and sold into slavery and taken to Ireland where he spent his time studying Christianity. After his release and return to Britain he was determined to return to Ireland as a missionary to convert the Irish people to Christianity. With a modest amount of religious education to guide him, Patrick returned to Ireland and successfully converted the Irish people. It is felt that St Patrick's ridding Ireland of snakes is a metaphor for ridding the island of Paganism. Although his true original color is the very distinct St. Patrick’s blue, over time it has changed to green, reflecting the hundreds of greens in the Irish landscape. This is also symbolic of the Shamrock which represents the holy trinity and was a tool for the young missionary’s way of teaching Christianity. Green has since been used for military uniforms and other national symbols to further ingrain it into Irish society. Falling within Lent, this celebration was a welcome one-day reprieve from the abstinence of alcohol and has been celebrated with great enthusiasm since the 18th Century.

In Ireland, the traditional food eaten on this day would be Irish stew, a very simple stew originally made of mutton, onions, potatoes and parsley. Over the years carrots, turnips and stout have been added to the recipe. A great Irish stew is a fantastic meal and is often complemented with Irish Soda Bread. Here is a wonderful recipe for Irish Soda Bread. This recipe makes a very moist and lovely loaf of Irish bread for St Patrick's Day.

Pre heat oven to 350 degrees
Grease and flour a loaf pan (yes, what you'd use for meat loaf)
Soak 1 C raisins in warm water to plump
Combine
3 C all purpose flour
1/2 C sugar
1/2 tsp. salt
4 tsp. baking POWDER
1 egg
2 T vegetable oil
1 T sour cream
2 C buttermilk
Add the raisins
Bake for 50 minutes, check with tooth pick or straw and continue baking another few
minutes if needed.

In Canada and the US, the traditional St. Patrick’s Day meal is usually corned beef and cabbage. Beef in Ireland was far more expensive than lamb. Therefore lamb was used (and sparingly I might add). When the tax collector came by and could smell meat cooking, your tax bill might well go up, so onions covered the meat nicely in the pot. When the thousands Irish immigrants settled in Canada and in New York especially, during the potato famine of the 1840’s (not a myth), they lived in close proximity to their Jewish neighbors. It was the Jews who introduced the Irish to Corned Beef. The brisket cut was an inexpensive cut and the corning process helped to preserve it. And, if the truth be told, the word ‘corning’ refers to the pieces of salt used for curing which were about the size of corn kernels. This main course is served with potatoes, cooked cabbage and other root vegetables which would have been stored throughout the cold winter months.

For those of you curious about cabbage (which, frankly is an acquired taste – I don’t care what anyone says), it was introduced to the British Isles by the Celts, who brought it from Asia during the 6th Century B.C. And, while we’re at it, potatoes were brought from South America to Europe in 1536.

As to green beer, St. Patrick’s Day parades and other celebrations of this, the first of real springtime causes for jubilation, we can find most of the origins in New York City. I remember when living and working in that fair city that March 17th was essentially a day off. It was a time to think about leprechauns, rainbows and pots of gold. Lucky thing, I suppose.

Whether you enjoy collecting four-leaf clovers, expounding about the gift of gab brought to you by kissing the Blarney Stone (yes, I must confess to having kissed it myself), or enjoying a good pint of Irish beer, St. Patrick’s Day has a wonderfully unifying force which serves also to lighten one’s spirits if only for a day (or a full week if you live in Saint John). We all appreciate the customs of a once foreign land and its richly diverse heritage. We take a moment to think of the struggles of many people over the centuries and realize how lucky we are to come from such strong stock. Our resilience is echoed in the respect we have for our ancestors, wherever they may come from, and for people from all over the world who make up the fabric of the society in which we live. And to think that it all begins and ends with respect.

ERIN GO BRAGH!

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 12

2011-03-14T14:34:00.001-07:00

CHCT TV Show The Etiquette Guy Episode 12 from Jay Remer on Vimeo.

Personal Privacy

2011-03-10T09:47:00.000-08:00

I will never forget the morning when the telephone rang and at the other end of the line was a typically pleasant representative from the Canada Revenue Agency. She went on to explain, without going into details, that my identity had been assumed by someone else. I knew this was not a good thing. I wondered why they had chosen my identity to steal. I then wondered how they could have done such a thing. I am a relatively private person living a pretty quiet life. Then it hit me. I had decided to discard about 20 boxes of files which were old and useless, or so I thought. Rather than take the time to shred thousands of sheets of paper, I thought the recycle bin would be the "green' way to handle this disposal. Naive as this decision was, it is a solution many of us select far too often.

Fortunately for me, this attempt at using my social insurance number for ill-gotten gains was thwarted and no harm was done. I have a paper shredder in my office now and understand first hand the hollow sinking feeling one gets when one's personal information becomes public.

Individuals rummaging through landfills is not the only way we expose ourselves to identity theft. With the deluge of social networking which has swept the globe, we have more and more ways to share information with "the public". Some of us try to interact with friends, old and new, through such sites as Facebook and Twitter. There are ways to control what information is available to whom, but in this fast paced world of new found avenues of communication, we forget to engage those controls. In our excitement we share far more information with many more people than we may want or realize.

There are factors such as age and inexperience which become part of the equation as well. Because we can hide behind the great wall of the internet, we too often say things we would not say face to face. Once the 'send' button is pushed, there is no retracting our words. In some cases we can delete our entries, but a lot of times we don't. We take a certain delight in expressing ourselves in an uncivil way, forgetting that the world is witnessing our indiscretions.

One devastating result of these actions is a function of their permanence. Cyberspace lives on for eternity. People who want to find out more about us have access to virtually everything we've ever written online. What we may find amusing and harmless one day, we may regret the next. Potential employers may shy away from applicants who show little or no discretion in their on line lives. These behaviors are viewed as personality traits and reflect poorly on one's character when applying for a job requiring tact, civility and discretion.

Common sense dictates that whatever you share on a social networking site is in the public domain. It requires very little technical know-how to review anyone's posts and comments on any blog or topic they may have written. As enthusiastic as we are, my advice is to post nothing on line you would not say face to face to someone. Information of a personal nature does not belong in a public forum of any kind.

Times when it might be best to exercise additional caution before posting something on line, or before answering an email, would be when you are under stress. Receiving disturbing personal or business news can cause us to react abruptly. We may be given to responding to such news without fully thinking our thoughts through. Additionally there are times in our lives when we feel overwhelmed, depressed, and exhausted. Before pressing the 'send' key, set your remarks aside for a period of time. Revisit them and make adjustments as necessary. You may save yourself considerable embarrassment. A reasoned response is generally better than a knee-jerk reaction.

Above all, be aware of how you are feeling and what you are trying to communicate before you actually do anything. Take a little extra time to be sure that the tone of your message is appropriate. Try to stick with the facts and avoid inserting your feelings about those facts. Stating your feelings is important, but it is equally important to recognize that your feelings are not the facts themselves and are best communicated in private. Be cautious with what you share whether it be in what you write or in what you throw away!

Service Animals

2011-03-07T14:29:00.000-08:00

Not until I joined the board of The Delta Society in 1992 did I have any idea how complex the relationship is between humans and animals. This human- animal bond extends back thousands of years. It was not until the last half of the 20th century that scientists took an interest in proving the benefits animals can provide in healing, rehabilitation and emotional support. The mission of The Delta Society(www.deltasociety.org) "is to help lead the world in advancing human health and well-being through positive interactions with animals. We help people throughout the world become healthier and happier by incorporating therapy, service and companion animals into their lives."

While on this amazing board I helped establish one of the first animal assisted therapy program into the New York hospital system. I also became an animal evaluator, matching a variety of animals to people who could benefit from interaction. These animals were mostly dogs and cats, although rabbits, birds, and a whole host of other small and large animals (even Iguanas) were also engaged. It was quite an education learning to discern the differences between appropriate and inappropriate actions while in the presence of "animals at work".

Animals are an integral part of many peoples' lives not only for companionship but for their roles in enabling people with a variety of disabilities to lead active fulfilling lives. We are familiar with seeing eye dogs for the sight impaired; we know of animals who can assist wheelchair-bound people carry out any number of tasks; but do we ever stop to think that these animals are "on duty"? Before these amazing animals can be reliable, they must go through a rigorous training program. Many do not succeed. Those that do become partnered with a person have been trained to know when they are on duty and they are off duty.

Whenever we see someone with an animal engaged in an assistance exercise of any type, we need to be aware and we need to be sure not to interfere. Imagine an invisible boundary line around this human/animal team and do not cross it.

We as outsiders are rarely sure of the extent of assistance an animal is giving a person in any particular place and time. The ability of a dog or a horse to respond to a command can be severely compromised when these boundaries are not respected.

Much of what we see are interactions known as animal assisted activities(AAA). These are non-therapeutic and are designed for people to stretch beyond the limitations of their disabilities. These limits can be physical, mental or emotional. An example would be a sight impaired person going for a walk, to the store, or to work. There are also environments such as working farms where animals are vital to many activities such as hauling carts, plowing fields, and herding cattle or sheep. These tasks seem routine enough but if you add a group of at risk youth to the mix, suddenly you have a setting for animal assisted therapy(AAT). I have seen first hand how a troubled youth can change in an instant when their need to communicate with a huge horse suddenly comes into play.

Some of us have witnessed first hand the benefits of a hospital patient or a resident of a long term care facility, suffering from high blood pressure or anxiety as they quietly stroke a rabbit or cat lying peacefully on their stomachs. Disturbing this quietude would be inappropriate and jarring to both the animal and the person. Move quietly around animals at work, especially when healing is taking place.

There are also many opportunities to become involved as a "Pet Partner", someone with a pet who wants to volunteer their time and their pet's time in either AAA or AAT. Check with your local hospitals and retirement homes to see if they have such a program. Contact The Delta Society for more information about this growing field of interest among many, many people worldwide. They can help you become a Pet Partner or assist your facility in setting up a safe and effective program.

Animals often improve our quality of life. Be aware of how you benefit. Appreciate the many ways animals can be trained to assist people with many kinds of disabilities. Respect the space that the human/animal team occupies. It shows you have compassion for these people and also a real understanding of how important respecting their boundaries are. We can avoid embarrassing and even potentially dangerous situations. The person will appreciate this and so will their animal partner.

A Mixed Bag of Etiquette

2011-02-28T04:44:00.000-08:00

There seem to be an endless number of questions which come across my desk asking quite a wide range of etiquette questions every week. This week there were questions inquiring about the wearing of hats, eating with long gloves on, and the use of annoying words.

I have a real thing about wearing hats. I love wearing hats. Although I don’t actually wear baseball caps, I do remember when this modern day fad was born. I was so surprised when this fashion statement swept over golf courses and tennis courts and has remained firmly planted unlike so many other passing fancies like ‘tennis whites’ or ‘knickers’. In the summer time some hats can be quite sporting, others protect you from the sun’s harmful rays and others keep your hair from blinding you as you sail or ride. In the winter, hats are great protectors against the cold and wind. There are rules of etiquette about wearing hats. These are some of the most ignored of all etiquette rules, but at some point in time we are all generally glad we learned them.

For women, traditionally hats were worn indoors only at luncheons or in a church. Today, women do not wear hats indoors at lunch, but do continue to wear them in church. Men remove their hats when entering any building – any building, that is, except a sports stadium. Hats are otherwise relegated to the great outdoors. People, particularly the male of the species who do not remove their hats indoors are ill mannered and are only expressing disrespect for themselves and others. I’ve never really understood the whole ‘hat thing’ as indoor apparel. It’s sloppy and falls in line with ‘grunge wear’, those baggy low slung jeans whose popularity will hopefully be short lived.

The question of wearing long gloves while dining sent me through a mass of etiquette books and telephone calls to friends whose memories might stretch back far enough to recall what one does and doesn’t do. After some very funny exchanges, the final word is that long gloves are not to be worn while eating. They would have been removed in the old days and stashed away with your specs and fan in your handbag. Today they can be stashed or simply laid across your lap beneath your napkin. If the truth be told, it is a rare party indeed where long gloves are worn.

I find the subject of annoying words to be an important one, perhaps even more important than long gloves and hats. Speech coaches are constantly battling the ums, ohs, uhs, throat clearings and the like which can be distracting. These are habits which people who have a life of speaking in public need to overcome. Some do so and some unfortunately carry these with them throughout their whole careers.

Then there is a family of words such as ‘like’, ya know, like um, well and so’ and any number of expletives which make up fully half of some people’s spoken vocabularies. These words are what I call ‘nervous’ words. They just come out; they are used for space fillers while other words, words which actually convey thoughts, are found; or they are used as words of emphasis. They are generally harmless, yet distracting, and are gainfully employed without malice.

And then there is the kind of word which I want to focus on briefly here - the incredibly rude word ‘whatever’. This word is used as a total dismissal of anything and everything the other party is saying. It is in fact a cop out. It is a way of saying, “I can’t be bothered responding intelligently, so I’ll just end this conversation now.” It translates, among other things into ‘fine’, ‘it doesn’t matter’, ‘who cares anyway’, ‘don’t waste my time’ and any number of other intentionally hurtful remarks. This is where the rub comes for me – intent. It is the expressed intention of the speaker to belittle the other person, be it your friend, your mother or sadly even yourself. It is the kind of word which evokes anger in other people and justifiably so. No one likes to be, as they say today, dissed, an apt shortened verb meaning dismissed. How one receives such a word can often have far more power than the actual intention with which it was spoken. For this reason, it is a word and a form of communication which can be easily changed. Parents, teachers, colleagues, siblings and friends need to call people on this one. Not doing so perpetuates

what will never be a complimentary remark. Can you imagine saying that to your boss? You’d be looking for another job in no time flat. My friends, it’s not okay to say it to anyone! Showing respect for others will not let you down. By avoiding hurtful words and expressions, you reinforce the respect I hope you have for yourselves and others.

People with Disabilities

2011-02-25T02:54:00.000-08:00

I recently made the acquaintance of a writer who asked if I had ever discussed the dynamics of interacting with persons with disability. This person has a debilitating disease which requires a wheelchair or crutches to get around. Being an advocate for people with disabilities, she had some interesting observations which I'd like to share.

The most important thing to remember about people with any disability is that they are far more aware of their situation and how to adjust to it than we realize. Guessing if a person needs our help or even how to help is probably not a good idea. If they need our help, they will ask for it in most cases. Interfering with their navigational skills may actually impede their abilities further rather than be of help. Therefore, don't make assumptions based on your perspective as a person about another person's particular challenge.

One observation is that just because someone is in a wheelchair does not mean they are hard of hearing or unable to understand a normal conversation. This woman observed that people tend to both raise their voices and speak more slowly and deliberately to people with obvious mobility issues. This is insulting and embarrassing and results in an awkward situation. She shares, "Depending on my mood, I may respond in kind. On occasion my companion may seek out the nearest hole to crawl into. Invariably they come away from the situation with a heightened awareness of just what it's like to be me on a day to day basis."

Another behavior which this woman observed at several restaurants is the decision by wait staff to inquire of the companion of the person with a disability what the disabled individual would like to eat, drink,etc. He or she is perfectly capable of speaking for themselves as well as making any other decisions as they arise. This illustrates how unsure we are of how to relate to people who appear needy.

She went to on to tell me a story. She and a friend had managed to get two seats in a crowded bar. There were only two vacant seats next to them available when two men approached and asked if they could join them. They were delighted for the company and welcomed them. Little did the gentlemen know that the two had decided to conduct a social experiment and for the evening decided to swap roles. A pair of crutches was leaning against the wall. When the men asked who the crutches belonged to, the women explained that Jane, who was seated closest to the walking aids lived with a particular neurological disease which presents some balance issues. The men almost immediately shifted their attention to Sarah who appeared not to have a disability, virtually ignoring Jane. To me this illustrates how little we are taught about people with different abilities than our own. Jane and Sarah did eventually explain their little experiment to disclose that it was, in fact, Sarah and not Jane who used the crutches. From there a fascinating and enlightening discussion ensued.

She goes on to explain, "What's lost on society at large is one critical thing - all of us are "dis'abled; it's simply a matter of degree, and how visible that disability is and how those who are not visibility disabled respond to it. Slowly architectural barriers are being broken down though many still exist - it's well and good to have a wheelchair user parking space, but what's the point if the interior of the building is not accessible (a restaurant with no wheelchair seating - a common problem in fast food establishments) or the bathroom has no properly accessible wheelchair stall (grab bars, etc). I laugh when I visit bathrooms that fail the wheelchair friendly designation - sure, they have the the toilet with grab bar, but toilet paper is out of reach, the cut away sink gets a pass, but the soap dispenser and the hand dryer are out of reach, or the mirror is positioned for a standing person."

As with any other social skill we develop, learning how to appropriately relate to people who have any disabilities or other challenges is a matter of practice. Taking the time to learn these skills raises our awareness of a variety of difficulties many of us face. Showing compassion to those who have such challenges is important and a polite and civil way to behave. Having compassion for ourselves when faced with new challenges is usually more difficult for us. We all have strengths and weaknesses. Some are more visible than others; however, they should all be handled with respect.It is up to us to recognize each human being as an individual and to treat each person with dignity and kindness.

Artichokes, Asparagus and French Fries

2011-02-21T14:13:00.000-08:00

The mind is a curious place; well my mind is to me anyway. I awoke one bright clear morning and thought, ‘artichokes’! I must write about these mysterious culinary delights which are challenging, to say the least, to many people. This instigated a discussion in my head about another finger food column. This is a time of year when we do tend to eat more with our hands than usual, at least here in the Western world. I make that distinction because I just watched an episode where Chef Michael Smith was in Jordan, where a good bit of food is eaten with one’s hands, as it is in other parts of the world as well. Why not explore a few of the foods that can certainly be enjoyed using our fingers rather than the knife and fork?

Artichokes, whose use as a food originated most likely in Northern Africa, is a cousin of the Thistle, a trait easy to surmise once you discover the ‘choke’. This vegetable must be eaten by hand. The leaves are peeled gently from the main bulb gently but firmly and then the flesh is scraped off with your teeth. This is one food that requires either one on one training or a detailed ‘how to’ video to be able to eat it successfully. I maintain that it is well worth the trouble though. It has a wonderful sweet earthy flavor which is great with Hollandaise sauce or melted lemon butter when served hot; it also tastes delicious with mayonnaise laced with curry or garlic or a fragrant vinaigrette when served cold. The heart, which is identical in taste to the leaves is the real meat of the flower bud and the ultimate reward after the attenuated time required to reach it. Some less than patient diners dive right into the heart bypassing the delectable petals altogether. This is akin to only eating the tail of a lobster. Each to his own. No matter what your decision, artichokes are very versatile and are a great addition to many meals as either a main

vegetable or served as a starter.

Asparagus, a wonderful vegetable from the Lily family, comes to us from Eurasia and is grown all over the world. This is another food which according to proper etiquette is correctly eaten by hand, whether it is served hot or cold. The same accompaniments used for artichokes work very nicely with asparagus too. The spears are best when steamed or grilled. They can be boiled, but then so can anything. Much of the flavor and nutrients are lost in that process. Although not often served at formal dinners, eating this vegetable with your hands is proper at any occasion anywhere in the world.

French fried potatoes are an all time finger food favorite. These tuberous vegetables have their origins in Peru. What we eat today descends from a subspecies from Chile. The Sweet Potato and the Yam are also immensely popular additions to this finger food family. While the Sweet Potato originated in equatorial South America, it is distantly related to the potato. However, the Yam comes to us from Africa and is no relation to either plant at all, even though similar looking and tasting. Cut into long rectangular spears, these nutritious vegetables are usually denatured by deep fat frying, rendering them less wholesome but addictively delicious. No matter how they are cooked or served, they are customarily eaten with a fork and knife; however, I think they somehow seem to taste better when eaten by hand.

The rule of thumb for eating certain foods with your hands is usually dictated by a lack of cutlery with which to eat a particular item. No knife, fork or spoon is a good indication that using your fingers is positively appropriate. No one is expected to eat a sandwich or a Burrito with utensils, nor olives, nor nuts nor most picnic foods. After all, fried chicken and barbecued ribs simply taste better when eaten by hand. I’m not exactly sure how the various lists were assembled as to what is eaten by hand and what with a fork. Suffice it to say, that when in doubt, begin with a fork and knife and then follow your host’s lead. At picnics, my vote is forks for salads only. At formal dinners, don’t taunt your guests with questionable foods - do I or don’t I eat this with a fork?

This brings me back to artichokes. Of course, here’s a food you start eating with your hands and finish up using a fork and knife. It may in fact be unique in that regard. Don’t let them scare you off though. Find a pal who enjoys them and ask them for a lesson. They’re fun, delicious and nutritious. And, oh yes, they’re a food that deserves some respect. Making the mistake of eating the choke itself will teach you that lesson in a big hurry. In my book, finger food rules......as often as possible!

A Community Supports Junior Hockey

2011-02-18T06:02:00.000-08:00

Last Friday evening an event took place here in St. Andrews which illustrated just what a supportive community we live in. I was asked several weeks ago to assist in orchestrating a fund raising dinner for the local junior hockey team - The St. Andrews Whalers. I quite happily agreed to help. The event was designed to be an auction and dinner for 120 people. The evening was regaled as a huge success both financially and socially and I hope has injected much needed renewed energy into supporting this fine team. There were several points of etiquette which emerged as noteworthy from my perspective.

First of all, generosity of spirit and time prevailed. Over twenty individuals took time out of their busy schedules to ensure that this fund raising event was fun and successful. An additional 100+ people bought tickets to the turkey dinner banquet and participated in both the silent and live auctions. Many people traveled from Saint John to be a part of this evening - a example of true dedication and commitment to The Whalers.

Secondly, almost half of the team participated in this dinner as waiters, bid runners, and dish washers. I don't think the guys knew what they were in for, but they chipped in whenever asked (for the most part) and made sure everyone's food was delivered hot and in a timely manner. With very little coaching from me and with no previous experience as waiters, they did themselves proud and should be able to feel good about the efforts they made. The team captain helped with the bulk of the washing up afterwards. Many hands made light work!

Thirdly, the community as a whole realized how important this dinner would be for the financial health of the team. Hockey is after all a major sport in Canada. Despite the fact that almost none of the players are from St. Andrews, the games the junior league plays on home ice here provides great sporting events for people from all over Charlotte County and beyond. Many folks donated items personally and from their businesses. By pulling together and with some pressure from their friends, about eighty items were collected for the auction. This outpouring of generosity was impressive!

Finally, this event was an opportunity for a very diverse group of leaders in our community to roll up their sleeves and get involved. These folks chose to show by example how a community can unite to assist a group in need. This action demonstrates precisely how we pass important values from one generation to the next one. For many on the team this dinner, and the resultant financial assistance to the team as a whole, was the first time they could actually see a cause and effect dynamic transpire. Since playing junior hockey does not come with a price of admission (in other words, players pay no dues or entry fee), these young men can tend to take things for

granted. Over the past few years income from the "gate" has decreased substantially. This has brought some harsh realities into focus for them for the first time.

The Whalers hope that more people will come out to watch the games and to support their efforts. They are a good team of dedicated hockey players. The team's coach and management are also to be commended and encouraged. These are the men who instill leadership qualities and a sense of responsibility in their players. I'm sure they teach them plenty about the sport and how to play the game as skillfully as possible. Most importantly however, they are teaching life lessons, the most valuable lessons a sport can teach. These are the lessons which these young men will carry with them throughout their lives. The fact that the players themselves took some ownership of and responsibility for this wonderful community event indicates that they are no longer taking things so much for granted. I wish the team well in the future. There will be many obstacles to challenge them. Strong community support and the team efforts will hopefully insure many seasons of hockey for The Whalers.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 11

2011-02-14T17:35:00.000-08:00

St. Valentine's Day Revisited

2011-02-10T17:38:00.000-08:00

Traditions are important threads in the cloth of life. Many are celebrated annually as is our old friend St. Valentine's Day. Although the day's significance has evolved from its pagan roots, most of us take the time to send a card, make a phone call, or send flowers or chocolates to loved ones. Thoughts of romantic candlelit dinners with champagne and truffles, bubble baths and rose petals, and the undivided attention of someone very special occupy the minds of many of us. The commercialization of this special day sees the price of roses skyrocket, the sales of boxed chocolates soaring, and the sending of cards with sentiments of love flying off the shelves and crowding the mailboxes.

I was discussing my thoughts about this week's column with a dear friend and telling him how I want to write about Valentine's Day from a different angle this year. This column after all marks my 150th essay on a variety of etiquette driven topics in this paper and some fresh ideas are in order. Two thoughts emerged during our conversation. One thought was that for those of us who are truly single, Valentine's Day might be a day where we do something for ourselves to reinforce the love we have for "me". At first this idea was somewhat startling, but as I began to think about it, this makes perfect sense. After all, no matter what the situation, we must love ourselves before we can truly love someone else. In that case, treat yourself to a spa treatment. Buy yourself some fresh flowers to brighten up your home. Indulge a little by doing something special for yourself.

The second thought that surfaced was the idea that the real celebration is about the union of two hearts, two souls, and two people with a special inseparable bond. My experience is that we shower special gifts on those we love as a way of expressing our love for another person. What about celebrating the bond itself? Here is a chance to recognize the magic that you have created. Let that special dinner or gift giving moment be a time where gratitude is shown for the results of your love for one another. Let's face it, life is not always a bed of roses or a box of chocolates. Today we make an effort to change all that. After all, this 'magic' that we share is what gives meaning to our lives; it provides us with our greatest accomplishments - our children; and it fills our hearts with gratitude, compassion, respect, and love.

Every year at this time; however, my mind is transported back to grade school. Here we first learned about the concept of sharing on an emotional level with our classmates. We were atwitter with excitement when the cards we had all signed were passed around. I am not suggesting that any of us really understood the significance of the day, but we were becoming aware that something was 'up'. It was in the second grade school room for me when I first remember caring who sent me a card. Almost everyone did, but I would pour over my cards seeing if there was some special word or hint that a secret admirer would have divulged. As I recall I did convince myself then, as I still do today, that a certain unsigned card was sent to me from a certain someone special. When we stop and think about it, there are many people whom we have sent Valentine wishes to in one form or another over the years. Men give cards to their daughters, mothers, and even grandmothers or favorite aunts; chocolates and roses and even jewelry to their wives; and the odd unsigned card to someone they admire from a distance. Women, who tend to remember the date more consistently, love 'surprising' their husbands or boyfriends, fathers and sons, and other special people in their lives with romantic cards as well as a full range of other fun things.

Whatever you decide to do, speak from the heart. And remember that the sentiments that you care to convey on this special day can be carried throughout the year!

The Power of Words

2011-02-07T13:17:00.000-08:00

Most of us grew up with the nursery rhyme "sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me". At the young age when we would parrot such expressions when being verbally bullied, it seemed quite effective. There we would be, two kids face-to-face, finding our way through our worlds - the playground or the classroom, deciding who would have the upper hand. Usually once this exchange was completed, order was established and we went on about our business. Whatever was said by the bully didn't seem to matter once the familiar retort was spoken. However, today we communicate in many more ways than we once did. We have a variety of hand held gadgets and the internet. We can hide behind these as walls of defense and as a result we are far more likely to say things we would not say face-to-face.

One of the main reasons for this kind of talk lies in not thinking about what we are going to say before we actually speak. We are in too big of a hurry, or so we think to express what we are thinking. It's important to take the time to think through what we are about to say. What is our intention and what tone do we want to use? Words are very powerful and once spoken, they cannot be retracted.

Despite the fact that apologies are sometimes made in the aftermath, the cruel intentions behind derogatory comments linger, as do the hurt feelings and sometimes indefinitely.

There also are the benefits of hearing positive messages. So many times we may say something to someone in passing which strikes a chord with them and brighten their lives. I know in working with at risk youth here how an understanding ear and a few kind words can have a major impact on they feel at the moment. All of us have times in our lives when we feel lonely or even isolated. We can be experiencing some sadness or we can be feeling shame about something. Often it is hard to think that anyone else could understand what we are experiencing. At just such moments, someone can say something to us which makes us suddenly feel connected again. The weight of the world is lifted from our shoulders and we actually feel good about ourselves.

Many of us spend time on social networks such as Facebook and Twitter. Depending on whom we choose to 'friend', 'follow', or 'like' sets the tone for the messages we receive. I find inspiring thoughts and quotations to be particularly welcome. In fact I share such quotes and insights daily on my own pages. Because I receive a lot of positive feedback, I know that other people like the energy of upbeat expressions from time to time.

Early in the morning I arise and with tea in hand head to my laptop in search of some daily inspiration. A word crosses my mind. I 'google' it followed by the word 'quotes'. This takes me to a series of pages with loads of quotations from famous authors, statesmen, philosophers and others. As I read through the quotes, certain ones resonate with me. Those are the ones I share. This starts me off in a good mood and sharing these thoughts with others benefits us both. These messages carry very strong meaning and have a great impact on how I choose to feel about my life and the world around me throughout the day.

As we spend more time thinking about how words impact us, we realize just what an impact our words have on others. We recognize harsh hurtful words and how they make us feel. We recognize kind and inspiring words too and begin to see the vast difference in the feelings that those words have on us.

The words we choose reflect how we feel about ourselves and our place in the world. By making some mental notes about the words we use, we can begin to appreciate them even more and then begin to change them if necessary. We develop more compassion for our friends and for ourselves. These are skills which we will hone over our entire lives. What better place to practice speaking and writing with more awareness than at home, with those we love and trust. We

are then in a stronger position to take this with us to our schools and our jobs and make better choices about the words we decide to use.

Coughing and sneezing, hugs and hand shakes

2011-02-03T14:31:00.000-08:00

With the fluctuations in temperature, we once again must face the cold and flu season. There are many questions which arise every year about how we prepare ourselves for the onslaught of this year's strain, whether it be upping vitamin supplements, receiving vaccines or even strengthening our natural immune systems by making a few simple changes in our life styles. No proper discussion about the spread of colds and the flu would be complete without addressing the importance of personal hygiene and respecting one another's space.

There has been a lot written about this topic recently and there are many things which medical professionals and Moms agree on. Let's refer to this as practicing respiratory etiquette. The main way that the flu spreads is from person to person in the droplets produced by coughs and sneezes, so it’s important to cover your mouth and nose with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. If you don’t have a tissue, cough or sneeze into your elbow or shoulder, not into your hands. Most important of all is wash your hands thoroughly and frequently. If soap and water are not available use a hand sanitizer. Adults and children must follow these good practices.

If you are at a business meeting and you find your self shaking hands with many people, take the time to sanitize or wash your hands. Keep them away from your face, especially your nose, because the influenza virus is passed on most successfully through breathing. The life of a virus is very fragile and must have specific environments in which to survive. The human skin, specifically the nasal passages are ideal. As well, there are many close blood vessels through which the virus can travel with lightening speed throughout the entire body. The sleeve of your jacket and the most other surfaces are not good hosts for virus. They are however havens for many bacteria. For this reason it is important to keep kitchen counters, door knobs and telephones clean. Food borne bacteria are very serious and weaken your natural defenses at the very least. If you have people coming over for dinner, whether they be family or other guests, make every effort to be sure food is not subject to contamination, anything that will allow bacteria to grow. Information on this important precaution is carefully taught as part of the basics of cooking and is readily available on line or from any health care facility.

Pay great attention to using bacterial dish soap when washing everything from your hands, your pots and pans, dishes and counter tops. Pay attention to freshness dates on all food you are using to prepare food at any time. This time of year is a wonderful time for friends and family to come together for a variety of festive occasions. Because air circulation is limited due to closed doors and windows, which would normally be open during warmer weather, diligence in hygiene is really critical. Most of us have experienced food poisoning, stomach flu, and indigestion. None of us want to carelessly be the source of such illness.

The H1N1 virus is not something to sneeze at. This is an unusually virulent virus which is from a different family of viruses than those against which the traditional influenza vaccines are effective. Therefore a new vaccine has been developed. Most doctors recommend that people who are at risk should not fail to receive this vaccine. This is an important decision which should be made with your physician. If you are not in a high risk category, your natural immune system may well be fully capable of defending you against this virus. Your health care professional can supply you with the facts. If you have personal reasons for not wanting the vaccine, and there are lots of legitimate ones, you must take extra precautions to avoid exposure to the virus. More importantly, you must be especially carefully not to put others at risk. This may mean limiting physical contact with other people. If this cannot be avoided, your health care professional's advice will be helpful.

To avoid hugging and shaking hands during the social and business situations where this is normally commonplace, my advice is to be careful but not obsessive. Use your head and employ your common sense. Mind you, fist pumping is not a substitute for a hand shake. Carry hand sanitizer in your purse or pocket. Men need to consider using handkerchiefs and everyone needs to have plenty of tissues with them. The use of handkerchiefs is not a sanitary idea unless they are washed and changed often. In practicing germ spread prevention, use tissues which you dispose of as soon as they are used. Tissues even come lotion infused to stop chafing or irritation.

Some people have chronic coughing and sneezing, especially during illness. If you find yourself in a coughing or sneezing jag, you must excuse yourself an move away from people, preferably going to a washroom until the episode passes. We are all more aware of the dangers of the flu during this season. Let's make changing our relaxed hygienic habits a high priority. This is respect in its most raw form. It is a golden opportunity to make the extra effort to show respect

to loved ones and everyone around you including yourself.

The Etiquette of Roadside Assistance

2011-01-31T08:30:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago I was driving along I-95 north through Maine on my way back to Saint Andrews. I was cheerily zipping along during mid morning maintaining my cruising speed of just a hair over the speed limit, passing slower cars and trucks and an old red van. Well, the old red van passed me a short time later with a sign in the window which read "FLAT TIRE". Oblivious to the fact that this was actually happening to me, I pointed to myself, and the passenger holding the sign nodded affirmatively. It was then that I could feel some unsteadiness to the front end of the 2-ton 1995 Oldsmobile Cruiser station wagon. Little had a realized that the old red van contained two of my guardian angels!

Luckily for me, there was an exit in 1 mile. It happened to be for the town of Waterville and within a few yards of the ramp there was an Irving gas station. I knew I would be okay. (For those of you who don't know me personally, I am a liability with a crowbar and tire jack!) Had I been slightly more astute, I would have noticed a GM dealer across the street. But I didn't. When I had parked at the gas station I realized just how lucky I was. The tire was almost shredded, but the wheel was thankfully unaffected.

"Well, we don't change tires here", was the first somewhat unsettling news I received from an otherwise charming attendant. She very kindly assisted me in contacting AAA. I then realized that there was nothing I could do about this interruption of my travel plans and contented myself with watching the frozen customers come and go and wait for the tow truck to arrive, sipping on the 99 cent Monday coffee special.

The day just happened to also be my birthday, my 60th in fact. You can imagine my surprise when a chorus of "Happy Birthday to You" erupted from behind the counter! Wouldn't you know that it was the birthday of an assistant manager there. I couldn't resist saying something, and as a result two total strangers celebrated their birthdays together with a beautiful homemade cake!

Thank heavens that when the tow truck driver arrived he was of a mind to put on the silly donut spare tire rather than tow the car. Apparently one doesn't tow a car with a flat tire - who knew? Those of you who know me personally will not be surprised to hear how I always marvel at the ease with which a tire is changed, except by me. This man moved like a machine, no wasted steps, no wasted time. I was delighted. And with a lovely piece of cake and a donut for a tire I journeyed across the street to the GM dealer. Since they no longer manufacture Oldsmobiles, that name missing from the sign gave me one quick moment of angst; but I thought, "we're only talking tires here".

The dealership took less than an hour to replace my tire - a white wall no less. This afforded me time to catch up on emails and broadcast to my friends about my flat tire experience and how well it was going. Ninety-three dollars later I was on the road back to Saint Andrews.

As someone who spends as much time as possible looking on the bright side of things, I began replaying the movie in my mind of the past 2 1/2 hours discovering the positive affects of what just happened.

First of all, in the midst of a situation that I had no control over, I decided to cut myself some slack. I had no time constraints so why fret about it? I chose to sit back and just see what would happen. I was happily surprised. Things turned out better than I could have imagined let alone orchestrated. Secondly, I made a point of smiling at everyone even when I was feeling a bit stranded and needy. This made me feel better about the whole situation and allowed me to have faith in those who were rescuing me. Finally, I actually allowed myself to enjoy this seeming inconvenience by sharing in a birthday celebration, marveling at the skills of the tow truck driver, and being ever grateful that this whole incident occurred where it did, when it did, and with whom I had the good fortune to share it.

It reminded me of how much simpler life's most challenging moments can be if we just allow them to unfold. Last week I suggested that civility needs to begin at home. Today I am suggesting that good etiquette and kindness begins with you.

Happy Valentine’s Day

2011-01-28T05:40:00.000-08:00

There are several tales that explain the history and origins of Valentine’s Day, a tradition second only to Christmas for sending heartfelt greetings.

Valentine's Day evokes goodness toward our fellow human beings with thoughts surrounded by the reds and pinks of flowers, cards and small tokens of our feelings. It is so very nice to have this time to tell another or several others if we are fortunate enough how much we love them. According to legend the Roman Emperor Claudius may have indirectly responsible for promoting love and marriage and eventually the celebration of Valentines' Day.

The following letter better explains the story of Valentine's Day:

“Let me introduce myself. My name is Valentine. I lived in Rome during the third century. At that time, Rome was ruled by an emperor named Claudius. Claudius decided to have a huge army. Men were expected to volunteer and join the army. Many men just did not want to fight in wars. They did not want to leave their wives and families. Not many men volunteered. This made Claudius furious. He had a crazy idea. He believed that if men were not married, they would concentrate on fighting wars and not think about their loved ones. Claudius decreed that soldiers were not to marry and have families. Young people thought his new law was cruel. I thought it was preposterous! I refused to support the law!

“Did I mention that I was a priest? One of my favorite activities was to marry couples. Even after Emperor Claudius passed his law, I kept on performing marriage ceremonies - secretly, of course. It was really quite exciting. Imagine a small candlelit room with only the bride and groom and myself. We would whisper the words of the ceremony, listening all the while for the steps of soldiers.

“One night, we did hear footsteps. It was frightening! Thank goodness the couple I was marrying escaped in time. I was caught. (Not quite as light on my feet as I used to be, I guess.) I was thrown in jail and told I was to be put to death. “I tried to stay cheerful. And do you know what? Wonderful things happened. Many young people came to the jail to visit me. They threw flowers and notes up to my window. They wanted me to know that they, too, believed in love “One of these young people was the daughter of the prison guard. Her father allowed her to visit me in the cell. Sometimes we would sit and talk for hours. She helped me to keep my spirits up. She agreed that I did the right thing by ignoring the Emperor and going ahead with the secret marriages. On the day I was to die, I left my friend a little note thanking her for her friendship and loyalty. I signed it, "Love from your Valentine." “I believe that note started the custom of exchanging love messages on Valentine's Day. It was written on the day I died, February 14, 269. Now, every year on this day, people remember. But most importantly, they think about love and friendship. And when they think of Emperor Claudius, they remember how he tried to stand in the way of love, and they laugh -- because they know that love can't be beaten!”

And yet a third references birds’ mating times:

During the Middle Ages, people in England and France held a popular belief that birds started to look for a mate from February 14.

I love the traditions of Valentine’s Day cards, which are often sent to people in secret with no signature, leaving the person wondering and sometimes hoping who had sent the greeting. Boxes of chocolate are popular ways to express one’s sweet affections for one’s true love. Roses are another way which people have continued to use to demonstrate their devotion. Some people actually go to great lengths to put together rather more thoughtful gifts such as meaningful photo albums. This is also a very popular date to propose marriage. Going out to dinner or a dress up ball are traditions carried out in many places as well.

No matter which tale you want to believe, the thoughts around this special day involve loving others even more than we love ourselves. I enjoy days like this which are thankfully sprinkled throughout the year to remind us, like punctuation marks, that it is other people for whom we really live. If only we could all carry these feeling the whole year round!

Got a wedding in 2011?

2011-01-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

As an expert in nearly all social situations, The Etiquette Guy has also been known to double as "The Wedding Guy" while acting as a wedding planner. If you have an upcoming wedding this year in New Brunswick (or elsewhere) it is most certainly worth hiring Jay to ensure your special day runs smoothly & elegantly. From large to small, formal to informal; Jay's expertise covers weddings "soup to nuts".

To learn more about Etiquette Guy wedding planning services contact Jay at: jay@etiquetteguy.com or visit etiquetteguy.com

Make it a day to remember!

Tripping on an Exaggerated Ego

2011-01-20T12:47:00.000-08:00

I would like to discuss the etiquette problems that arise when people show disrespect for one another for the purposes of increasing their control and self importance. Good manners and civility fly right out the door when certain egos become involved in insisting on their definition of what is correct for another person. This happens often with married couples and even with close friends. I received the following letter from an old friend of mine which illustrates this point.

Hi Jay,

Maybe you can do a column about people who are always correcting others, especially in public. I have one friend, when if I pronounce something wrong, she jumps in, without a second’s hesitation and corrects me. Or if one little fact is wrong, or if something isn't heard right she chimes right in. I am starting to really dislike her, and get nervous being around people like this. She has always had a hard time holding a job, and this is probably why. Correcting everyone at work is annoying, no doubt. I have another close friend who also does this. When Sarah Palin mispronounced someone’s name in the VP debate, Biden was most gracious and let it slide. What’s wrong with people today?

Gratefully, your friend.

Dear Friend,

I think we can all relate to this one without stretching the imagination too far. This annoying habit and its corollaries revolves around the issues of control. These follow nicely on the heals of last week’s column where I dealt with the troubles that can arise within the arenas of blame and guilt. Good manners and respect for one another show up everywhere. From an etiquette perspective, the really basic rule which is broken any time someone corrects another in public is this: Under no circumstances do you want to diminish the character of another human being in front of other people. This does not mean that a healthy debate is wrong; it means that this cannot be intended as a slight to one person as a means to elevate yourself. This is based on common sense, a quality sadly lacking far too often in today’s ‘civilized’ society. My advice to you is to nail her on it the next time she does it. It will undoubtedly catch her by surprise and she may learn a valuable lesson. She may have had no clue what she actually doing. Just be sure to tell her in private!

Good luck, Jay

Do any of you know people who make the practice of correcting others their preferred way of communication? For me, aside from recognizing how hurtful this can be for those to whom such communication is directed, it alerts me to a general disregard for other people’s opinions. This can be accompanied by impatience, frustration and inflexibility. In the business world, such relationships would wither rather quickly. In social situations, it can prove tiresome. However, there is no denying the spark of true enthusiasm exhibited. Being excited about life and all it holds is a virtue. But this must not take on the persona of always needing to be right at the expense of others.

When I look at my own life, and think of the times I’ve said something I regretted later, it makes me wonder two things. First of all, is this the way I would have expressed myself if I was on a first date, trying to impress someone? Secondly, is this the way I would want to express myself if I were speaking to someone with one week left to live? These are sobering thoughts to which we can all relate. The question arises, why is it that we choose the former way of communicating to the latter? And yes, it is a conscious choice that we all can make every moment of every day.

It is to this part inside of each of us that I direct these musings. If we are to live civilly and genuinely and have respect for ourselves and others, then we must slow down and think about what we are saying and doing. Although unbridled enthusiasm is what created the free world as we know it, there is a need for temperance. And through right speech we avoid being hurtful. Each of us knows that once the words are out of our mouths, the pain that a nasty or uncalled for remark can inflict is extraordinarily difficult to heal.

Before I blurt out “No”, or some equally deflating remark the next time someone speaks, I hope I will begin to learn to wait for a couple of seconds. I hope that I can learn to wait until the other person is finished completing and explaining their idea before I make up my mind whether or not I agree with what is being said. Who knows, I may just learn something. It’s impossible to comprehend what another is saying when my ego is so busy mounting its defense (most often against nothing at all). And my wish for today and for tomorrow is that we all try doing this. Practice civility, it’s contagious!

Equip Your Staff With Etiquette in 2011

2011-01-17T09:18:00.000-08:00

Beyond dishing out advice in weekly columns and here on the web, the Etiquette Guy is available "for hire" to come work with your staff in customized etiquette training sessions. From lawyers to waiters to sales teams, Jay has helped workers of all types discover the value of proper etiquette, especially in business settings. With a variety of training options, Jay develops a seminar that suits the needs of your company goals. A session with the Etiquette Guy is the perfect addition to a corporate retreat or fresh twist on an HR seminar.

For more information on booking please visit the Etiquette Guy webpage by clicking here. Let 2011 be the year you really make your staff shine!

Civility Begins at Home

2011-01-13T05:28:00.000-08:00

In the wake of the horrific shootings in Tucson January 9, the US media, as only they can do, have really wound me up by turning this tragic event into somewhat of a Medusa. They have dutifully dissected almost every angle imaginable, as is their manner of reporting. I have listened to arguments and opinions by journalists, politicians and entertainers from all sides. They are bandying around what appears to be a new concept to them - civility. However, in my opinion, they have missed the most important point of their discussion on civility in politics. I'm not sure if they just think civility sounds like a good thing to be talking about; if they actually think they are an authority on the subject; or if they are diving into deep and murky waters where monsters live.

In a nut shell however, civility must begin at home. Only from there it can spread to every aspect of our lives. Without civility at home, there is no chance that we will carry it through the day into all of the arenas of our busy lives. Treating all people with respect and compassion is what civility is all about. Our use of civil behavior is also a crystal clear mirror into our own selves, our souls. We are often times not even civil with ourselves. Protecting our borders, our cultures, and our values to the exclusion of all others is poisoning the very fabric of the society in which we live. This dynamic is not solely an American phenomenon, but appears throughout much of the world.

I listened to one broadcaster on NPR explain that one of our 'esteemed' elected officials declared that there is no place in politics for civility. To my way of thinking, politics is the one place where civility is most needed. The politics I grew up with afforded a platform where healthy debates could take place. Where have all the statesmen gone? The days of choosing between two or more people of integrity in an election have disappeared. Why is it that people with differing opinions cannot have a debate without treating each other as enemies? Is it not possible to disagree about a matter without being disagreeable? We still refer to our elected officials as our political leaders. They are afforded all kinds of privilege. Yet they display such vulgar behavior with their colleagues that one must wonder whether they are even capable of conducting the nation's business. These are the people whom we still hold in high esteem. I wonder why. What's more puzzling is that because we hold these so called leaders in high regard, we deem their behavior as acceptable. Not only is this flawed on many levels, it validates and encourages incivility, and we unwittingly pass these values onto our children, tomorrow's stewards of our fragile planet.

There is a real, almost palpable, need for control over our lives, or at least some part thereof. What we have traditionally held important and worth protecting are our belief systems - political and religious. We cling to these more tightly than ever today. In part I believe it is because we live in such a fast paced world that there is little we can hold onto long enough to achieve that sense of control which we so desperately need. And of our political views, why must we protect them so vigorously? What is it about these beliefs which requires that we raise our voices to decibels unknown just to make our point heard and hopefully agreed with? Could it be that we don't really have the strength of conviction we need to actually believe in our hearts what we think we believe in our heads?

Politicians from both sides of the aisle are equally guilty of the dissolution of civility. In addition, their inappropriate use of language is disparaging. It puts a whole new meaning on 'politically incorrect'. I am unclear as to their true intentions, as they likely are as well, but the messages they proffer carry strong subliminal reminders implying that anyone who disagrees with them is the enemy.

I am not naive enough to realize that political posturing is all a part of the process of free government. But what has happened to reason? Do the politicians truly believe that their constituents don't have the capacity to make informed decisions after hearing responsible arguments from all sides? Perhaps, as with many things in life, they are simply mirroring their own inabilities and feelings of inadequacy. The time has come for all of our elected officials, not just a few of them, to start acting like leaders. With some practice, who knows, they may even become leaders.

Incivility is bullying, plain and simple. Leading by example will show our youth how to behave with respect for others, but only if we make the choice to do just that.

A New Years Resolution

2011-01-10T06:16:00.000-08:00

The celebrations welcoming the New Year and in fact the new decade in are behind us at last. All of the superstitious acts of tossing change in the streets on the night of New Years Eve, of eating black-eyed peas on New Years Day, of jumping backwards whilst chanting "Rabbit, rabbit, rabbit"; all of that is done. Now we can settle down and focus on all of those resolutions we declared in all earnestness just as the ball or the sardine dropped at the stroke of midnight.

For the most part, these resolutions dissolve over a short period of time rarely if ever to be revisited until perhaps next year when we've forgotten about them. One of the reasons for this is their sheer impracticality. Although shooting for the stars is not to be dismissed as foolhardy in some instances, when it comes to making any changes to one's daily routine, it's best to aim low. Keep the pressure as light as possible. Set any goal at an easily attainable level. You have a much better chance of exceeding your expectations if you do. One way to reduce the stress is to break the goal down into manageable, realistic parts. An even more successful way to keep your resolution is to be sure that it came from your heart and not just your head. In other words, don't pick a goal just because you think it sounds like a good idea; choose the objective because it really matters to you, right down to your core. This can take some time to discover. It usually requires some quiet "me" time without distractions. When you finally decide on your resolution, you are in a much stronger position to achieve it and it will make you feel great!

Setting goals for the coming year or coming decade for that matter can be a lot of fun and an easy way to stay accountable to yourself. Dividing projects into short, medium and long ranges helps to set up a way for you to tackle things one at a time. This actually gives you a greater degree of control over your life, which is something we all usually want more of. Meeting short term goals is the easiest. Establishing a habit of meeting these goals is a sure fire way of increasing self esteem. And that gives you greater confidence in both business and social circles.

Helping children to understand what New Years resolutions are all about and how to approach these goals in an appropriate way is a great gift to them. Some decisions kids may be considering may be unhealthy or unsafe for them. Helping them to make informed decisions is a wonderful parenting skill. Kids learn most by example and what better way to teach them about goal setting than by setting and achieving some yourself?

One of the most difficult problems with New Years resolutions is the time of year in which they are made. Winter, especially near the holidays, is not only stressful, but it is also a time of rest. I find that whilst making resolutions at the beginning of the year is a fine idea, executing them is usually best put off until spring, a time of year where rebirth and rejuvenation are part of the natural order of things.

This gives us plenty of time to ponder our goals for the coming year. Some we will choose to begin right away. Those are the ones about which we have the most passion about. Those are the ones which come from our heart. Determining the timing to put into practice any resolution is a key element to succeeding at our goals. Whatever our intentions are let's resolve them with patience and careful thought. Furthermore, if you decide to do something, then do not do it, do not chastise yourself - have compassion.

One thought to remember is that how we do what we do is an expression of who we are. This is how people perceive us. It can take the blink of an eye for us to make an impression. By taking the time to think about how we feel in our hearts before blurting out what pops into our heads, we stand a good chance of being kinder and happier people. This is my idea of a wonderful New Year's resolution, and a pretty easy one too.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 10

2011-01-07T10:24:00.000-08:00

Travelling South during the Winter Months

2011-01-03T08:03:00.000-08:00

Winter travel is always more challenging than travel during the warmer months. There are several challenges which many of us face while traveling now and I would like to make a few observations gleaned from our recent trip to New Orleans.

Booking tickets can be a challenge. Although the online booking agencies try their hardest to make it as easy as possible, when travelling together with friends make sure to book all tickets at the same time and for the same price. Otherwise, your seat selections can be compromised. Normally this can be rectified at the gate, but in the case of full flights, there is no guarantee of this. Curb side check in agents cannot assist you in rebooking seat assignments. It is by far the fastest way to check in however and in our case only cost us $2 per bag extra. Once through security, proceed right to the gate and ask an agent to help you. They are very pleasant and happy to assist. Remember that the exit rows can be requested and usually proved a bit more leg room, although sometimes the seat backs do not recline. I find that a pleasant non-demanding tone and a warm friendly smile go a long way in getting what you want as they make the airline employees feel valued.

Packing for a trip to a warm climate has its challenges at this time of year because even some of the warmest climates can have cold snaps. This usually entails packing more than you really need so that you don’t get ‘caught in the cold’. Carry on luggage presents its own set of protocol which many people feel they can ignore. You would think that a lot of people had never flown anywhere before and do not understand that there really is a limit to the overhead space allotted to each passenger. Try to be courteous to those around you and use your own space, not the space of three people. When moving through the aisles, which get narrower which each aircraft redesign, be mindful of people you are passing especially if you need to turn sideways. You may have forgotten you have two feet of back pack ready to unwittingly whack someone in the head. Even if you are travelling somewhere with guaranteed warm weather, such as the Caribbean, you will need to have a heavy winter jacket and sweater with you boarding the plane. Remember just how much space those take up and plan accordingly. You can cram a certain amount under the seat in front of you but on long flights that can really restrict you ability to flex your legs.

Clearing security is a post 9/11 necessary evil. I don’t the universal law that covers this, but if you leave yourself plenty of time for this, there will likely be a short line or no line at all. If you are short on time, the line will long and you may well miss your flight. Be sure to know the rules before you arrive at the airport. This will save you time and a lot of aggravation. Having a short temper with a security guard will do you no favors. They have relaxed the ridiculous 3 ounces of shampoo and other liquids rule, but you still cannot have your favorite cork screw or Swiss Army knife. You still need to remove your shoes – so wear a type which slips off and on easily. Although you don’t need to turn your laptop on, you still must remove it from its carrying case. Your pockets must be emptied and your jacket must be removed. All of these steps time, and when done quickly and efficiently will help insure that you have a stress free experience and that those around you will as will. Practicing this shows that you have respect for other passengers.

Eating on planes today almost certainly requires bringing on your own food. Be courteous and resist smelly fried foods. Some people have queasy stomachs when flying and you are doing them no favors. No one in fact appreciates their space being invaded. It is not any different than wearing overpowering cologne. Many people have allergies to scents and to food. Think about how other people may feel about your disrespectful behavior.

Finally, be sure to check for flight delays and cancellations as close to when you are leaving your house as possible. This holiday season saw more than its fair share of travel interruptions which can result in unwanted overnight stays in the airport terminal where food can run short and patience can run out. Keeping your calm will be a great benefit to yourself and to those around you. Remember that you’re all in the same situation.

Travelling during the winter months has its challenges. As at all times, your pleasure will be greatly enhanced by being respectful of all travelers.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 9

2010-12-30T11:39:00.000-08:00

Etiquette for the New Year

2010-12-27T06:20:00.000-08:00

The time has come once again to begin to set our sights on the fast approaching New Year. It's Christmas after all and a time for most of us when our families get together to celebrate this joyous holiday. We can look back over the past year and contemplate the many blessings we have received. For me, the year was one for new endings and new beginnings. As I often do, near the start of a new year, I make a list of all of the projects I would like to start or finish during the coming year, dividing them into business, personal, and spiritual. This helps me to set goals and to monitor my progress throughout the year, making necessary adjustments along the way. It's interesting to compare the lists from year to year and in so doing, catch a glimpse of how I am changing both within myself and in my relationship to others. This is a very grounding activity, one which allows reflection as well as an opportunity to be grateful.

The world is facing some very tough challenges in the coming year. Across the globe many societies are in dire need of help. The planet is experiencing the effects of global warming and we are waking up to the idea that we must act responsibly as stewards in order to avert almost certain disaster. The economy is forcing many of us to endure struggles we had never hoped for. And, in many ways, we are coming together as humans to work to solve these problems more cohesively than ever before.

Those of you who have followed this column may have noticed that I have emphasized the need for compassion in our every day lives. What we do every day and how we do it is in fact the etiquette by which we choose to live our lives. The choices we make affect those around us continually. Being aware of how much of an impact we have on others helps us in making our choices. Therefore the more aware we are of what we are doing, the more careful we will be in how we choose to do it. Although this principle is widely accepted, it comes with no manual, no set of instructions on how to make the best choices we can.

During this coming year, I hope people will feel more comfortable putting others first, even if only a little bit more than they do now. I hope we can all learn to give ourselves and each other a break, even if only a little more frequently than we do now. And I hope we can protect our children from making uninformed and potentially harmful choices, even if we reach out to only one child more than we already do. If we all made a conscious effort in the coming year to be a little bit less self absorbed, a little bit more patient, and a little bit more compassionate, especially toward ourselves, we will wake up one day to a happier and more peaceful world.

The golden rules of etiquette will never go out of style and how we choose to use them will define who we really are to the world. Be kind always. Be truthful in all communications. Be grateful for everything. Respect all creatures equally. Have a wonderful New Year filled with joy, good health and many magical moments!

CHCT Etiquette Guy: Episode 13 (Holiday Parties)

2010-12-23T06:52:00.000-08:00

Reader question: Saying it with gifts

2010-12-20T18:19:00.000-08:00

Dear Jay,

For many years, our President has hosted a formal holiday party for staff and board members. This year, because of the economy, a decision has been made not to hold it.

I have been asked to put together a card to all employees and board members informing
them, thanking them for their commitment to the organization and wishing them a happy, healthy holiday season.

I am having a VERY hard time putting together appropriate wording - that will not offend, anger, or upset people. And will leave them with a warm fuzzy feeling.

In telling them that the party has been canceled, which is the main purpose of the card, how do I convey that the company is strong, but it is felt that in these sober times it is best to spend money on essentials, without sounding dour or making them feel like the company is not on steady ground?

What should be included in a VERY brief card sent to all employees?

Thank you!

Erin

Dear Erin,

Thanks for asking this good question. You do not need to feel embarrassed. Nor should you take responsibility for another’s feeling by worrying about angering, offending or upsetting them. Remember that your intentions are pure. I would word it something like this. "Due to the severe economic downturn, we have decided to cancel plans for our annual holiday celebration. Although our company is on solid financial ground, it seems inappropriate to display extravagance at this time". I would recommend printing this as a separate insert into the holiday card. The holiday greeting on the card could say, "Thank you for your commitment to (name of company) and wishing you and your family a happy, healthy holiday season".

Another suggestion, Erin, is to have a simpler gathering - if the feeling is that people want to have a gathering. This involves the individuals in the company creating such a gathering. Yes, making things to eat and bringing drinks either alcoholic OR NOT and if anyone insists on gifts let it be a secret Santa type thing with a dollar amount limit on the gift. This is a nice way to celebrate without totally eliminating a holiday gathering-people can wear whatever they like-formal, office dress and it keeps morale up and the spirit of the holidays alive. Simply canceling is depressing-economic mess or not.

-Jay

Fiscally responsible companies owe it to their employees to set a good example in the arena of gift giving. The severity of the current financial crisis is not over yet and is likely to have a permanent effect on personal finances not experienced in almost 80 years. The days of extravagance are over. This is not something we have to apologize about. It is the result of a number of greed motivated factors aligning and bringing us back to a more responsible reality.

Proper etiquette in gift giving is as critical now as ever. The interesting thing about the protocol here is that it is no different than when the economy was racing ahead out of control. People often ask me how much an appropriate amount of money to spend for a gift is, whether it is for a holiday, a birthday or a graduation. There is no set correct answer. One person asked me if they should increase the amount they spend on a child when they reach a certain age. I personally don’t think age is an important consideration.

The bottom line is that you need to examine your own financial situation, decide what you feel you can afford, and then make an informed decision. If you used to spend $100 on a gift and this year you can only spend $50, then so be it. Only you can decide how much your relationship with the person means and how much you can afford to spend. It isn’t the amount of money that is important in gift giving. What is important is the heartfelt thought that went into the selection of the gift. Be sure it is personal.

People who are expecting or even counting on receiving a gift, especially cash, are going to be in for a big surprise. People are scrambling to make mortgage and automobile and insurance payments. Others are striving to eliminate all debt. Lavish gifts and envelopes filled with cash will be taking a back seat. But we do, as a society, love giving gifts. It makes us feel good inside to know that we have made someone else happy and cared for. It shows we have respect for one another and in turn respect for ourselves.

Remember when receiving a gift that someone has put you ahead of themselves one more time. They are not buying your friendship, but they are honoring the relationship they have with you. It is a form of respect which is a universal symbol demonstrating the importance of relationships. Cherish them during the holiday season. Take this
opportunity to reconnect with friends you haven’t seen or spoken to in a long time. You may never know how much gratitude they will feel. The gift of love is priceless. Be generous with it.

CHCT Etiquette Guy: Episode 14 (Holiday Edition)

2010-12-16T08:29:00.001-08:00

Etiquette of the Past

2010-12-13T05:57:00.000-08:00

Perhaps I had the cart before the horse in last week's musings on etiquette of the future, but as a follow up I am going to discuss briefly etiquette about the past. I went south this week to visit my family and friends which I always enjoy doing. While going through some old boxes from my grandmother, my mother and I discovered some 'treasures'. It always amazes me what people decide to hold onto and what to discard. In this case there was a poem I had written when I was 11 and other notes and letters which were important to a lady who was so influential in my youth. I had to wrack my brain to remember writing the poem and in so doing my mind was flooded with many happy memories. Here is my short poem from 1962:

The Tiny Creche

Simplicity of the tiny creation,

The darkness of the shelter;

Leads me into meditation,

And takes me from my welter.

The stillness of the tiny creche,

It is so good, quiet, and fresh;

The shelter dark, and the figures light,

Gives me the feeling of a mid-winter's night.

There is an angel inside the roof;

I think he is praying, though I have no proof,

And in the manger, Baby Jesus is laying,

With Mary and Joseph beside him praying.

But the small light figures,

Inside the tiny creche

Has made my mind clean and fresh.

This short time which we spent together reminiscing about olden days was an opportunity to remember the values which were instilled in me, namely respect for others, not taking anything too seriously, and valuing your heritage. As we leafed through a photo album which I had never before seen, my ancestors sprang to life and instantaneously revealed the roots from which my whole life philosophy evolved.

Connecting with our past and honoring it in some way can have a very positive effect on our lives. It removes from us our feelings of isolation. It helps to explain and to validate why and how we do the things we have chosen to do. Such opportunities also allow us to connect past and future generations and to share new discoveries with others. Without even realizing what is happening, we place ourselves in the back seat and, if only for a short while, we have a chance to put those who came before us in the forefront of our minds.

Many people today are finding great satisfaction in discovering their roots.Genealogy is as popular as scrap-booking, both of which transport us into another world. These departures are adventures into worlds beyond present time, opportunities to escape the hustle and bustle of our busy lives and to appreciate the people and events that gave us so much pleasure. These searches into our past evolve quickly into passions, even obsessions. When I was a young man I found great joy and fascination by studying my family tree and occasionally filling in missing leaf. Thankfully today, other family members have become equally interested.

This glimpse is a window into the importance we place on our past is also a reflection of traditions we choose to pass onto our children (or others' children should we not have our own). Finding comfort in continuity is a human condition which transcends political fads and foolishness.

Perhaps during this holiday season we will find some time to reflect on the many blessings those who have come before us have given us. Reflecting on the joy in our lives and how we are connected with our past can be very relaxing and peaceful. For those of us who feel loneliness or stress over the holidays can experience some relief by making such connections. We can rediscover why we do the things we do and who shaped our approaches to life. For those of us who get into the full swing of the holiday season, taking the time to really connect with others will help to ground us and make the time we spend with friends and family even more enjoyable. By connecting with our roots, we can find compassion for ourselves and for those around us.

As we unwrap gifts from loved ones we can reminisce about the times we spent together and take the time to appreciate our friendships. We can use this time to show our children how important others are in our lives and in our ability to be happy. Demonstrating by example the positive influence our friends and family have on us today helps those around us see how to be appreciative of how short life is, to be thankful for even the smallest blessing, and most importantly to put the needs of others ahead of our own.

CHCT Etiquette Guy: Episode 8

2010-12-09T11:47:00.000-08:00

The Etiquette of the Future

2010-12-06T05:57:00.000-08:00

I was fortunate enough recently to attend the 2nd 21 inc Ideas Festival. This conference was hosted in partnership with the Public Policy Forum and followed on the success of the first such event held two years ago. The focus of the forum was to examine how tomorrow's leaders will evolve from today's global economic climate and how their priorities will differ. The etiquette of tomorrow will need to be flexible, yet play a key role in how we as a province succeed on the international front.

The depth of quality of speakers and presenters that Tim Coates and his associates assembled was even greater than the first conference and I was privileged to listen to and meet some of Canada's greatest minds. From Roots of Empathy author Mary Gordon to Roger Jackson, the olympic gold medal winning oarsman and CEO of Own The Podium to newly elected Premier David Alward, the guests were treated to wonderful discussions on the visions these people and others have for the future of business in New Brunswick.

There appears to be a shift from focusing primarily on making as much money as possible to being as happy as possible. This is a large generational leap and one which, in my opinion, will result in a more civil business climate as well as a more successful one. I believe, as do many of my colleagues, that civility in the workplace is the key to improved productivity and innovative thinking. The effect that simply being a little nicer to those people with whom we work and do
business, i.e. our co-workers and our clients, has the potential to change the face of how we do business throughout the world.

I was somewhat surprised at the casual interchangeability of the words "Chinese" and "Asian". As time goes on, it will be increasingly important to be aware that Asia today is comprised of as many as 17 different countries, each with its own distinct culture and way of doing business. To compete and be a real player internationally, companies must not only be aware of these sometimes not-so- subtle differences, but take steps to understand and respect them as well. Asian history predates Western history by millennia and therefore their patterns and habits of intercultural discourse are even more deeply seated than we can imagine.

This is not to say that respect for our fellow man is going to change in any fundamental way. It does mean however that there will need to be a more sensitive and fuller awareness in understanding and respecting other people. Much of the political posturing in the world today smacks of bullying and is based in greed and distrust. The "millennial" generation is already becoming aware of this necessity, but is often lacking the diplomatic skills which would make this
new way of interacting, both socially and in business, easier and more genuine.

Taking the time to study the people from whatever country we plan to do business with and to understand what really makes them tick is time well spent. This is an exciting time in world history (not unlike most times), and a chance for us to become global citizens in character and responsibility. The old adage, "people like doing business with people they like and trust", has never rung more true than it does today. What a privilege it is to meet and befriend people from all over the world! We all want to live in a world where peace reigns supreme. In order to this we must conduct ourselves in ways which demonstrate a real respect for other cultures. We would do ourselves a favor by dropping the notion that we are in some ways superior to others and that our ways of doing things is the best way for everyone. This is simply not true and evident in light of recent international financial hardships and failures.

As humans we all have frailties. It is our nature. With these frailties also comes a need for compassion and respect. If today's leaders cannot show us how to do this by example, we must be prepared to raise the bar ourselves. The greatest message for me which came from the conference was a line from Mr. Jackson where he stated that "hope is not a strategy". We must take action and we must take it now, much the way he did by devising the system whereby Canada had the best winter Olympics, in terms of medals won, ever! Canada is a great country and the Atlantic provinces are well positioned to be leaders on the world stage. By acting with greater civility and having more respect and compassion for all of mankind, we're well on our way!

CHCT Etiquette Guy: Episode 7

2010-12-02T11:32:00.000-08:00

The gift of gift-giving

2010-11-29T04:35:00.000-08:00

For many, the holiday season can be summed up as festive. For others, however, it can be painfully depressing and stressful. These emotional extremes often involve family and gift-giving. Generosity and inadequacy swirl around the Christmas tree while compassion and gratitude sometimes play a secondary role.

There is perhaps no more important time of year for us to be grateful while being generous.

In thinking of others compassionately, let's include ourselves. Try to bolster what you may experience as inadequacy and believe that you too are appreciated and part of a larger holiday picture.

It is a widely held view that the first Christmas gifts were the gold, frankincense and myrrh given to Jesus. These are considered hidden treasures, holding significant spiritual meaning. Both their spiritual and intrinsic values are the true symbolism behind the gifts we exchange today.

O. Henry in The Gift of the Magi summarizes (and I paraphrase) in his final paragraph the meaning of giving at this season:

The magi, as you know, were wise men - wonderfully wise men - who brought gifts to the babe in the manger. They invented the art of giving Christmas presents. Being wise, their gifts were no doubt wise ones. Oh, all who give and receive gifts such as they are wisest. Everywhere they are wisest. They are the magi.

Throughout history, special and significant gifts have been given from one person to another as a way of commemorating this tradition, but also to show our love for family and friends. Many extend this gesture into our communities to ensure so as many people as possible can share in this tradition.

Many have their tightened belts when deciding how much money we can afford to spend this holiday season. There are many gifts that we give year-round to people that cost nothing.

Sharing a simple experience with someone, even a game of checkers or a walk in the park, can qualify as a priceless gift. Visiting with people who are suffering from an illness or old age is a gift of enormous importance. Have you ever stopped to think how much you treasure some of the personal notes and letters received over the years? We can all create such messages with little effort and time.

For those who prefer giving tangible gifts, there has been a shift away from discretionary and luxury items to those that are useful.

Food is always a favourite in my family, especially something the whole family can enjoy making or giving together. I actually look forward to a jar of green tomato pickle with as much anticipation as anything else. I think I would be quite sad if it didn't arrive.

Warm clothes, kitchen gadgetry and some favourite chocolates can often carry with them the meaning that someone thought about what we personally need and enjoy.

How a gift is received can be as important as the gift itself. If we feel genuine gratitude upon receipt of a gift, we give that gift double strength. Likewise, if our gift is small in stature, the sincerity with which it is given has an untold power to make someone happy.

Remember to be grateful for your family and friends this holiday season even though you may have intermittent disagreements. Have compassion for those who have their own, often deeply private, struggles. Give extra hugs and smile often. Share with children - your own and others - the real meaning of the holidays.

The phrase "it is better to give than to receive" has much more meaning when we learn to give with the same passion and energy with which we receive. The surprising thing about this simple act is that it takes very little practice before we become real pros. Get out and practise. Put your heart into it, and feel your spirits soar.

CHCT Etiquette Guy: Episode 6

2010-11-25T14:57:00.000-08:00

'Tis The Season - Almost

2010-11-22T14:49:00.000-08:00

Lately readers have been very forthcoming with their questions about families and holidays. The season will soon be upon us and excitement and enthusiasm can be mixed with anxiety and impatience. Let's see if sharing some of their concerns can help to alleviate some of yours.

Elizabeth wrote in these comments and questions.

Dear Etiquette Guy,

I get very annoyed if my dinner guests (who are often in-laws) do not use their napkins. Is this just a lack of good manners on their part and poor upbringing? I have another question brought on by a situation where a waitress picked up my napkin and placed it on my lap before taking my order. Was this the "proper" thing for her to do? Actually, it was a rather high class eating place and I assumed this must be done at such a place, as I could not imagine it happening at your local Pizza Hut. Perhaps you can set me right as to the do's and don'ts of napkin etiquette. Thank you.

Elizabeth

Dear Elizabeth,

Your in-laws are exhibiting a lack of manners most likely as a result of an up bringing where manners were not as important as they are to you and being taught these basics was not emphasized. As you are noticing, if you teach etiquette fundamentals at an early age, you might well avoid awkward moments such as this later on as children reach adulthood. As far as the placing of the napkin on your lap by the waitress goes, in some high end restaurants this is the custom. My advice to you is of course always to follow the lead of your host or hostess. What should happen is as soon as everyone is seated, the host or hostess should unfold their napkin on their lap and the guests should in turn follow. If there is no host to follow, once everyone (even if it's two) are seated, the napkin should be unfolded on your lap. If this is not done, an attentive waiter will likely do it for you. This is not to be construed as being rude or condescending, but rather as a silent service gesture to indicate that the rituals of the meal are underway. It is a way of communicating to the guest that the staff is now ready to serve you. I hope this answers your question. EG

Another reader wondered, "I was thinking maybe a little closer to the holidays you might do a column about etiquette for children. You know, people drag them everywhere especially at Christmas time, and there’s no time of the year when they’re so spoiled and wound up. You could have fun with that one!"

Fun indeed! Christmas is a time of year when children are the focus. The holiday does after all celebrate the birth of a child. There are so many traditions associated with holiday times which are filled with family memories. Passing these traditions on to our children is important. In order to ensure that these busy times will be filled with joy, there are a few ground rules which may be helpful. The safety of your family and your pets is of the utmost importance. Making sure all electrical wiring and cords are in perfect condition and out of the reach of small, exploring hands is key. Keep poisonous substances such as chocolates and Poinsettias out of the reach
of dogs.

Take time with your children to be together without the hustle and bustle of the mall, bazaar, parade, etc. Decorating the house, baking cookies, reading a Christmas story, watching a holiday film, listening to and singing Christmas songs. Driving through your town after dusk and looking at the Christmas displays are the special times that allow you to do fun things together and to create memories.

Try to plan and schedule your time as well as possible including time for shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning, and on it goes. A wonderful way to teach children is to include them in of these activities. This kind of experience is a wonderful way for them to have a hands-on idea of how things are done.

‘Tis the season to think of others. This is the surest way to have the most enjoyable holiday season. This is also a way to teach children about sharing and caring for others. The simple act of putting a can of soup in the Food Bank collection box will become a life lesson, one which they will take and practice throughout their lives. Now you have created a tradition.

Be grateful for the many blessings which surround us - family, friends, delicious food and good cheer. There is a familiar saying - "it is better to give than to receive". This time of year is when this saying comes to life. It instills gratitude in ourselves and others which stretches throughout the year.

Etiquette Guy on CHCT TV: Episode 5

2010-11-19T04:09:00.000-08:00

Holiday Obligations

2010-11-15T05:21:00.000-08:00

Ready or not, it's that time of year again. This holiday season, some people will find themselves in the same quandary as years past. Do we drive to see our families, or do we get them to come to us for a change? A reader recently wrote me this question; my answer follows.

Dear Etiquette Guy,

This will be my first holiday season in my own apartment with my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. As excited as I am to decorate, bake and enjoy the holidays as an adult, I am a little concerned about how to handle some of the holiday activities.

We are going to see our entire family (his and mine) on Thanksgiving. Is it wrong of us to want to spend Christmas Day in our own home this year instead of hiking from house 1, house 2, etc.? My family has a bit of an old mentality, and expects us to be there since we are 1) not married yet and 2) are not hosting the holidays ourselves.

Should we suck it up and travel all day during Christmas, or enjoy a couple's Christmas in the place we worked so hard to obtain?

Thanks for your advice,

L.P.

Dear L.P.,

Thanks for asking this really good question. I have found myself in this position both as a single person with a significant other and as a married person. My experience tells me that parents usually do want their children to make the trek, sometimes even if they are burdened with kids. I can totally identify with your position of wanting to spend Christmas in your home with your beloved. My advice is to be as compassionate to yourselves and to your families as possible. This means being accommodating when possible, yet protecting your private time as well and without feelings of guilt. I think family traditions become traditions because most of the time they work well. If you step and back and look at the big picture, you in fact may be the most flexible; in which case you would be appropriately expected to bend more.

This in no way diminishes your desire to spend a quiet private Christmas in your own home. The symbolism which surrounds that is very strong and important. It is also resilient. My advice is to follow your instincts and "suck it up". Be grateful that you have two families to visit on such an important holiday.

I hope this helps,

Jay

We all have challenging schedules. The larger our families and extended families grow, the more complicated these schedules become. When I was young, our holiday schedules were fixed. Routines were never broken and we knew what was to be expected of us and of our valuable time. As I grew older and my own world expanded, my time had to be more cleverly divided. The holidays are times when we want everyone to be happy and feel as though they are the most important people in the world. From a practical and logistical view point, this is not always possible. My rule of thumb is that those family members who are most senior in age deserve the most consideration for a lot of obvious reasons. Many are on a fixed income and travel is too expensive. Elderly people don't travel as easily as they once did physically. In the end it is easier to call on them or to spend the holidays with them than it is to expect them to do so.

Married couples are often faced with deciding which in laws to spend time with. Many have no choice but to drive between both families, weather conditions cooperating or not. This is trying, but it is often times the only solution. The festivities around the holidays carry with them many traditions which families want to share and pass on to their children and grandchildren. These traditions are important to a healthy society and facilitating this within a family is a good thing.

In addition to sharing with your larger families, the holidays are a time to create your own traditions. Pick a day during the season to spend with one another. Decide to cook a special meal, open a gift. Decorations can be put up and removed at your discretion. I have a friend who keeps a few Christmas items around her house all year long. It’s all up to you.

I can think of no better time of year than to pass on the number one cardinal rule of etiquette. Put others first. Whenever possible, this is a guideline not to be ignored. If we take the time to consider what may be best for others, we can be surprised at how easy it for us to be accommodating. The old adage "it is more blessed to give than to receive" became an old adage because it is the right thing to do.

CHCT Etiquette Guy: Episode 1

2010-11-11T13:03:00.000-08:00

Honor Our Troops

2010-11-08T06:44:00.000-08:00

November 11 is Remembrance Day. This is the time day when we take a moment to give thanks and pay respect to the men and women all over the world from countries far and wide whose jobs it was to protect the free world? We are reminded of the ultimate sacrifice they made. We honor past fallen heroes as we watch the news of the wars in Afghanistan and in Iraq. So many countries work together towards the common goal of a free world. We so often not only take for granted the choices that we can make, but in fact that we have the ability to make those choices at all. On Remembrance Day we show our gratitude.

Many of us have seen the advertisements on television showing troops carrying their heavy gear through crowded airports to the cheers and applause of well wishers. Some troops are going off to war; others are returning; yet others are on their first trip to basic training. What a nice way to openly show our gratitude. We take a moment; look them each squarely in the eye; smile and say thank you. Some will likely not return.

Remembrance Day is an official flag flying day too. Customarily, the flag is raised in the morning and lowered to half mast from 11 am to 12 Noon, when it is once again raised fully.

The armed forces serve to protect our country from harm and to help defend democracy around the world. They also are a wonderful way for young men and women to get a great education and to learn how to impart good values to their own children as well as to children overseas left homeless as a result of war and bloodshed.

The natural disasters which occur on an unfortunately unpredictable and frequent basis are further occasions for various branches of the military to come to our rescue. It amazes me how often I read about the National Guard moving in to help out in one serious situation after another. Those men and women are so skillfully trained in so many important skills. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, forest fires and other forces of nature leave a path of destruction. We are so blessed to have a well trained army of people who can step up to the plate when called upon. Remembrance Day remembers those who lost their lives in this line of duty as well.

I think about the day when war will sleep. The world will be quiet from gun blasts and rocket fire. Pirates will no longer threaten our precious cargo. Disagreements between us will be handled civilly. We as a human race can value life for what it is, free of discrimination, free of oppression, free of the need to exert unnecessary power over our fellow man. Until that time, our armed forces are important. There are tens of thousands of troops strategically placed around the globe keeping a watchful eye over potential harm. Second guessing the master minds of evil, while at the same time battling the dreaded diseases and poverty of the third world, are all in a days work for these brave men and women in uniform. And their valiant efforts were not done on some lush tropical island with gentle breezes. These folks were subject to the worst of conditions with danger lurking around every corner.

I like days like Remembrance Day. It is another of those punctuations on the calendar which reminds us to count our blessings and to be mindful of those who made our life of freedom possible. The next time you see an enlisted person in uniform, take a moment to look them in the eye and extend your hand from your heart to theirs. It shows how much respect we have for them and how much the dangerous jobs that they have chosen do not go unnoticed by any one of us. They will appreciate this kind gesture and so will your heart.

More Civility on the Roads

2010-11-04T07:22:00.000-07:00

I received this letter from a reader several weeks ago. As I was sitting at my desk watching winter approach, I thought that perhaps a column addressing driving might be a good idea. Driving in the snow and ice of New Brunswick present its own set of problems. Let’s first address the concerns of this reader.

Dear Jay:

I was disappointed that your previous column, "Civility rules on the road, too," did not address civility between different users of the road, as for example, automobiles and pedestrians or automobiles and bicycles.

In particular, I wish that more automobile drivers were aware of the following:

1) Your "right" to make a right turn at a red light is limited by the presence of pedestrians crossing the road in front of you.

2) Even though pedestrian-activated red lights are not part of what you personally may consider to be part of the normal signal cycle, you are still required to stop for them. If you fail to notice them in time because you are driving too fast or because you are overly distracted, as for example by your cell phone, it is your responsibility to amend your behavior, not the pedestrian's responsibility to stay out of your way.

3) Where a sidewalk crosses the entrance or exit to a driveway or parking lot, pedestrians on the sidewalk have the right of way, as do cyclists moving along the right-hand side of the road. You are required to wait until the way is clear for you to proceed. Patience is a virtue, possess it if you can...

4) Cyclists are required to ride along the right-hand side of the paved roadway. They are not required to ride on unpaved surfaces, across broken glass, through potholes that would rip their front wheels off, etc. If the presence of a cyclist at the right-hand side of the paved roadway does not leave enough room for you to pass, this does not give you license to run the cyclist off the road. You need to wait until you have room to pass safely. Patience is a virtue...

And finally, a word addressed specifically to young male drivers:

While you personally may think it fun to yell at pedestrians and cyclists as you go by in order to see if you can make them jump, no one else thinks it's fun. Grow up - or turn in your license until you're mature enough to handle it.

S.R.W.

Dear S.R.W.,

Thanks for pointing out these important rules which people do tend to forget. There is a civility which must be practiced while driving, peddling and walking so no one gets injured. It is advisable for pedestrians to walk on the left side of the street, thereby facing into oncoming traffic. This enables them to clearly see approaching vehicles and step off the road surface if possible as they pass. Cyclists need to stay to the far right hand side of the road when motor vehicles are passing. In many communities there are actual bike lanes specifically designated for their safety. The addition of more of these lanes will only enhance the safety of those riding bikes. Motor cycles and automobiles must follow traffic rules carefully and be prepared for any surprises that a pedestrian or cyclist may present. Even though there are designated cross walk areas in many towns, out of town visitors, of which we have many here in this tourist town, may be unaware of them and are particularly vulnerable.

Children need to learn about traffic and traffic rules at an early age. Although there are often well marked signs prohibiting bicycles on sidewalks, a lot of folks are unaware of them. Children feel and are safer riding on the sidewalks, signs or no signs. However it is up to a parent to teach their children that pedestrians have the right of way on or off sidewalks. This is an easy way to begin to instill the concept of respect for other in the minds of our youth. Being aware of traffic safety regulations protects youngsters against traffic dangers.

As far as driving around here in the winter, the same rules apply. However, because it is far more difficult to stop or swerve on an icy pavement, great caution must be practiced. Test your brakes from time to time as road conditions change. Drive defensively and slower than you normally would. There are also deer that leap onto the road coming seemingly out of no where. To enable you to be as safe as possible in the winter, make sure your car is winterized by a licensed mechanic. Keep warm clothes or blankets in the car. Remember to charge your cell phone and carry it with you in case of an emergency. Tell someone where you are going and when you expect to return. If you are going to travel a long distance, check road and highway conditions before hand to be prepared for any delays. By taking these few precautionary measures, your winter travel will be safer. Erring on the side of caution demonstrates the respect you have for your fellow travelers and for you as well.

The Etiquette of Making Small Talk

2010-11-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

Last week's column prompted a reader to ask me to go into greater depth about how to initiate conversations at the dinner table, especially with people you don't know well. What encouraged me to pursue this topic was partly because it is a skill which is incredibly useful to have; and also the person asking me to talk the art of conversation seemed to me to be self assured and a good conversationalist, yet shared with me the fright and discomfort they feel when they find themselves in this very situation.

Whether you find yourself at a business mixer or a large family dinner, there will be times when you find yourself face to face with a stranger, be it a new business acquaintance or a distant cousin. The silence which can linger can make both people feel uncomfortable and starting a short conversation is one of the easiest ways to break the ice. It is as simple as beginning with, "hello my name is" and moving on to ' isn't this a lovely gathering; I'm glad to be here tonight with such interesting company."

When meeting someone for the first time in any situation, be prepared to shake hands, standing up straight and with confidence. Smile and repeat the person's name a couple of times in the next few sentences to help you remember it. Diving into personal questions or areas where there could be a difference of opinion, such as religion and politics, is best avoided during the initial introductions. Stick to noncontroversial topics such as the lovely hospitality, the weather, world news, food, books and hobbies. It helps to stay current on world events. Matters of health, wealth, gossip, age and other unpleasant subjects can also wait until a relationship of a more familial nature develops.

I find that people do enjoy talking about themselves and in a way, because it is such familiar territory, it relaxes them and makes conversation easier, albeit a bit one sided. Speaking about your family and other personal interests opens the door for your new acquaintance to ask questions or reveal information of a similar nature without fear of embarrassment. Finding common ground is the end result of these initial exchanges, which although referred to as small talk, can have a very large influence on what sort of first impression you make and how successful the friendship might be in the future.

While logic would lead you to believe that your initial nervousness and discomfort can be eased by talking about subjects near and dear to you, the same can also happen when you focus your attention on putting the other person's level of comfort ahead of your own.

Have you ever noticed how the different tones of voice and topics of discussion change from when men are speaking to other men and women to other women, to when men and women are speaking to one another? This is our inherent, often disguised way of posturing for position and this posturing can differ greatly from one situation to another. This is where the black and white lines of the social and the business worlds become spectrums of grey. Being aware of your tone of voice and being sensitive to other people's feelings helps to make it easier not to cross lines inappropriately.

Although the nature of these initial conversations appears unimportant on the surface, it does reveal a great deal about the speaker, especially his personality. Such seemingly superfluous chats can be quite brief and act as catalysts for more substantial, perhaps even urgent matters; or they can carry on indefinitely as is occasionally the case with some difficult family relationships.

The ability to be comfortable initiating these opening conversations comes very naturally to some people; to many others it takes time and practice. The effort put into honing these skills is well worth it. As mentioned last week, the dinner table is a perfect training ground for such practice. As adults, it is our responsibility to teach our youth, tomorrow's leaders, these important skills, and with practice, they become comfortable and healthy habits. Feeling confident and at ease around strangers makes it far easier not only to make friends but to begin establishing meaningful relationships.

Reader Question: Invitation Debacles

2010-10-28T07:21:00.000-07:00

Whose responsibility is good manners?

I am often asked questions which revolve around guilt and blame. Good manners and civility, even though based on common sense, tend to bear their fair share of this topic. I received this letter recently which is a textbook example illustrating the lengths people will go to in order to blame others and avoid feeling guilt as a result of their own basic lack of respect for others, in this case their own family.

Question: Dear Jay,

I was hoping you would lend your impartial ear to this debate between my brother and I. This Saturday was my son's 5th birthday and, earlier in the week, my wife and I decided we would invite the grandparents and uncles (my two brothers) over to celebrate. My son had his own party with his friends in the morning, but we were hoping family could stop in Saturday evening just to socialize a bit. I called my brother on Thursday evening and left a cell phone message asking him to call me, and then I left a Facebook message with his girlfriend also saying we wanted to get together over the weekend. He called me back and left a message, but due to some cell phone problems, I never received his message. On Saturday, he called me to tell me he had plans Saturday and would not be able to come over. He also informed me that it was rude to ask him to Saturday's birthday get together on Thursday evening. He had plans with his girlfriend and felt that this was not enough advance notice. It should be mentioned that my brother lives in town and does not work on the weekends. I thought a Thursday notification was not unreasonable, given that he knew his nephew's birthday was coming up and that we have had the family over for every birthday in the past. Again, this was a get together of just the immediate family and I left my initial message vague because I was willing to negotiate the time of the "party". He attempted to reach me a few times by my faulty cell phone, but never spoke with me directly about the matter until Saturday. He could have e-mailed me at any point and he could have called my house phone. I would greatly appreciate your opinion on how this situation unfolded and whether or not I should feel guilty for not informing of him of the get together before Thursday.

THANKS! - Confused

P.S. I would like to add that my wife and I did not even formulate the plan ourselves until Tuesday or Wednesday. We are both full time teachers with two young sons...so things sometimes get rather busy and thwart advanced planning.

Dear Confused,

Thanks for asking this important question. You are a master of making excuses. Unfortunately none of them are any good. You and your wife are not the first people on the planet to hold down two full time jobs and have two young children. If this is your son's fifth birthday and you and your wife can't arrange a party until three days prior to the date, why would you assume your brother would have his schedule open for you, - simply because you've had such a party in the past? If your cell phone doesn't work, you need to tell people and get it fixed. No one is a mind reader. Clearly your system of communicating using facebook, emails and cell phones doesn't work. I suggest picking up the telephone. Even consider enlisting the help of your collective parents to track down the errant sibling. But don't blame your brother for your negligence. Let's face it, the birthday party for a five year old child, which is in fact not even the real birthday party with the cake, etc. will not trump previously made plans with a girl friend. Such a gathering barely made it onto your own books. Finally, in life woulda, coulda, shoulda does not count. Hindsight works all the time and is an unfair argument. What you must practice is foresight, and try not to create so much ado about nothing.

You must remember that as the host of a party, it is your sole responsibility to make sure everything runs smoothly. That includes extending invitations in a timely manner. As far as feeling guilty about all of this, my advice to you is to let it go. Guilt is a huge negative energy drain on all of us who find the need to carry it. You did nothing illegal. You did not harm anyone. Your intentions were good. Learn from this experience and don't do it again. I hope this helps.

Jay

Let this be a gentle reminder that good manners begin at home. By practicing them consistently, you will instill in your children healthy social behavior. Respecting one another will always stand us in good stead for the challenges life provides us.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 3

2010-10-25T06:04:00.000-07:00

Another episode from the my local show on CHCT:

Etiquette Guy on CHCT TV

2010-10-21T08:03:00.000-07:00

Those of you from outside my home region of St. Andrews, New Brunswick might not realize I have my own TV show on the local station CHCT that discusses different etiquette subject each week. Check it out:

The Etiquette of Thoughtfulness

2010-10-18T04:42:00.000-07:00

Recently I had the honor of teaching a short dining etiquette class to a group of 50 senior high school students from across the province. They are participating in a leadership program designed to give them helpful tools in either continuing their educations or entering the competitive world of employment. This potentially daunting exercise turned out to be one the most exciting of my career. Dining skills in and of themselves are important to learn. They build self confidence, help you to make a good impression during a meeting or job interview, and they make the entire dining experience more pleasurable and successful.

I decided to focus on one of the most important of all dining skills during this workshop, namely conversation. How we speak to one another and what topic we choose to speak about play a significant role in determining the overall mood of the meal and even influence how well be digest the food and utilize its nutrients. One of the arts of conversation which are slipping away is that of speaking to the person seated on one side of you during the first course, and to the person on seated on your other side during the second course. I find this guideline quite restrictive if followed to the letter; however it is a very useful way to break the silence around the table and to avoid general mayhem. This can be extremely helpful with a group of people who are meeting

for the first time.

I helped the students along with this exercise by choosing a variety of inspirational words to use as topics. Each of the words was numbered from one to nine, copied onto bits of paper, folded and put into a paper bag. Everyone picked a word randomly from the bag and proceeded to the table with the number corresponding to the word, not knowing with whom they would be sitting. Each table was asked to discuss their word, albeit briefly, to help to set the mood for the meal and to help to make learning the rest of the steps of dining etiquette more enjoyable. The words included compassion, respect, self respect, harmony, and so forth. Although this exercise caught both the students and their teachers a bit by surprise, for the most part everyone participated in

and enjoyed it.

I asked each table to then have a short round table discussion during the third (dessert) course about the particular topic and to choose a leader to deliver a one minute summary of the discussion surrounding it. Clearly there had been some real thought given to the discussions and the words seemed to really come to life. Each speaker communicated what the significance of the words meant to them as a group. It is heartwarming to watch people speak about these topics cheerfully, clearly and from the heart. This was of course the point of the exercise. The best conversations to have around the dinner table are those which are uplifting and which reinforce the principles of a healthy and civil society.

The more mundane skills such as how to butter and eat a dinner roll, which water glass is yours, and how to properly hold and use a knife and fork all became easier to understand and execute. Everyone was at ease despite the fact that they were sitting with people whom they had never met and were being taught skills which they wished they should already have known.

Several days later I was discussing this process with some of my friends and one of them suggested that these kinds of discussions should take place on a regular basis, not only in schools but at home as well. Naturally I concurred. Discussing principles which guide us through our busy lives in a healthy productive way are good topics of conversation around any dinner table. Being well grounded in such topics as respect, civility and compassion is what makes a strong foundation for tomorrow's leaders. I applaud the schools for recognizing and promoting this and thank them for the honor of assisting them in their efforts.