Baking with a Bully

Dear Etiquette Guy,

  I am in a bit of a dilemma. My stepson was having trouble with a particular child in his class during the school term and now with summer activities in full swing, they’re in some of the same groups, and the bully was really having a go at my youngster. I decided to step in, but not in the usual way. One Saturday afternoon, I invited Bully Boy, as I named him, to get to know me, on his own, in my home. I called his mother and asked if it would be okay to get acquainted with her son quietly, on our own. With a bit of hesitation, she agreed. 

On the chosen day, my stepson was going to be away, so that Bully Boy and I could spend a few hours hanging out. On my agenda was chocolate chip cookie baking. I figured since my little guy liked to help, this high-energy classmate might like to use his hands for something other than punching. Fast forward through our afternoon and I learned something – this kid LOVED baking; reading the recipe out loud, checking the measurements twice, and sneaking in more chocolate chips J, but not without a mischievous grin. Clearly this boy was enjoying the attention, and said he was really having fun. Was I onto something?

 After we washed up all the mixing bowls and spoons, we sat down and had cookies and milk. It was clear Bully Boy was very pleased with himself – the sullen face that greeted me earlier was replaced with a big smile and sparkling eyes. In a few short hours, he became Baker Boy! It’s like something was truly lit up in him, and he liked it. I packed up a dozen of HIS cookies in a brown paper bag for him to take home to share with his younger sister and his mother. He asked if he could come back again because he had so much fun. What to say? I told him I would call his mother.

My question: would it be over-stepping if I did invite him for another baking date? Perhaps including his mother? My worry is that he might get too attached to me and I’d be faced with two problems – my stepson might become jealous, or this boy’s mother might think I’m interfering/overstepping. From my perspective, I see potential in a few more dates with my new little friend  – in the vein of paying it forward. His accomplishments on our baking day may be just the thing to propel him forward into more positive situations where he realizes that he doesn’t have to bully to get what he wants or needs.  I’m thinking pizza dough next. Then he could have his own pizza making party at his house! J

  I’m looking forward to your take on this situation.

Thank you,

The CAKE Lady

Dear Cake Lady,

This is indeed a heartwarming story and needs to continue. What I advise is to invite this young man over when your stepson is home and the two boys could experience teamwork in the kitchen. Perhaps they will discover that their strengths can compliment each other rather than one being ‘better’ than the other.

I have experienced bullying on many levels over many years. It is painful to endure and in the end has no benefit. Bullies learn this behavior at home initially and the behavior often goes unchecked at school and then continues through life including marriages and professional lives. Bullying is decimating the bottom line of many companies today.

What a golden opportunity to redirect this considerable energy in a healthy way. Establishing relationships with our peers at an early age is critical to maintaining a civil society.

I well remember experiencing the transformation as a child of taking back my power at the knee of the mother of a friend of mine who was well aware of the bullying I was experiencing in my own house. We would visit every afternoon on my way home from school. I would have a Coke and we would chat. I came to realize that I wasn’t really the weak person I had been belittled to believe. I had value and my feelings were valid.

I recently gave a talk where this woman, now over 80, came to hear me. I referenced her act of kindness publicly and you could have heard a pin drop. People do relate to these stories because we all have experienced them. Whether it is at home, at school, in a relationship, or in business, it’s never too late to address this dynamic.

Please let me know how this story unfolds. I am sure the readers of this column will want to know. I know I will.

Kind regards,

EG

To Touch or Not To Touch - That is the Question

How we greet one another appears to have evolved into a variety and at times bizarre ways of expressing our enthusiasm for seeing a familiar face. A reader wrote to ask about the etiquette of what is or may not be appropriate when we meet others.

Dear Jay:

My question is about appropriate touches between two male friends. I'm not sure if this is the right category for my questions, but I hope you can still help me.

1. I have a close friend who loves women and is a married man. We normally greet each other by fist bump or handshake. Since we are close, sometimes he would greet me by touching me and tickle my chest in a joking way. I think that it is inappropriate for him to touch my chest, but I still think that he is straight.

2. There is another guy at work who would say goodbye sometimes by gently punching a part of your body if there is no opportunity for a handshake or fist bump. Sometimes he would gently punch you in the arm or forearm or your back. Is it all right that he punched me near my right ankle while we were seated? Do you see anything wrong about punching or tapping the thigh part of another man?

3. I had a previous male coworker who would sometimes pinch me in my abdomen. 

I would love to hear your personal opinion, Jay.

Dear Michael,

I have noticed over the past couple of decades that more and more men greet one another more comfortably using fist pumps, hugs, and other friendly touches unheard of a generation or two ago. The formal handshake has been delegated to the boardroom or a formal social gathering. In the old days, a good firm handshake was the true mark of a gentleman; and it was customarily the first physical contact one person had with another. I believe it was the world of sports that introduced us to the fist pump. It was a quick and easy and ever-so-masculine way to acknowledge a good shot or achievement. This was quickly adopted into the business world as a code of coolness. As cool as it may be on the sports field, it doesn’t transfer into the world of business well at all.

Touching other body parts is not a sign of not being straight – it’s simply another manifestation of trying to be cool. Punching people with no intent to harm or hurt is rather Neanderthal and is best reserved for frat houses or sports bars. It has no place in polite society. Why one would touch an ankle is simply bizarre. Touching one’s thigh can be misinterpreted as being a step over the line and is to be avoided.

Pinching another person’s abdomen is also a bit odd and is an unfortunate nervous action most likely.

The other night I was at a smart dinner party. There was a man there who very much wanted to give me a hug, but was concerned about how this action might tarnish his image. He clearly demonstrated throughout the evening, as he became more and more intoxicated, that his image had more to worry about than giving me a hug. I personally do not like to be grabbed by anyone without having progressed through several greeting stages previously, perhaps over a period of time.  This action is one of dominance and puts people off, particularly when alcohol is involved. 

There are some people whom I kiss on the cheek – even some men. This is a custom prevalent in many parts of the world. There are others whom I bow to, and others whom I hug. Most men receive a handshake, as that is what they are most comfortable with.

Assuming one is even aware of his or her actions, one never wants to cross personal boundaries and risk making another person uncomfortable or in the case of a drunken bear hug, in danger. Always err on the side of caution.

There is little one can do about drunks other than to remove oneself from the situation. For chums who have a distorted sense of what is proprietary, a simple “Please don’t do that” should suffice. Most people don’t like being punched in the arm or pinched in the stomach or anywhere else. These forms of physical communication should be left on the sports field.

For me a handshake says a lot about a person. It can indicate confidence, friendliness, dominance, weakness, and many, many other characteristics. In my workshops I spend a lot of time demonstrating, discussing, and reinforcing this very important form of greeting. Therefore,I stick to that unless I have established a closer relationship where a mutual understanding has been established. This has nothing to do with being straight. It has to do with being civil.

Paying It Forward

Even the brain of a young 62 year old can be addled by the heat wave we experienced last week. I was in the grocery store buying a few last minute provisions for a dinner party I was hosting that evening. In the check out line I was cheerily chatting away with a woman ahead of me. She was still loading her purchases into plastic bags as my items were scanned. I suddenly discovered I had forgotten my wallet! I was stunned and horrified and quickly asked the clerk if she would hold everything but the ice cream, which I would return to the freezer, and then go back, fetch my wallet, and return to pay for my groceries. Before the clerk could respond, the nice lady with whom I was chatting said, “Allow me to pay for your groceries.” Naturally I replied, “Oh no, I couldn’t allow that. I’ll just come back in a few minutes.” She insisted suggesting, “You can pass the gesture on one day to someone else.” I graciously accepted her kind offer and thanked her sincerely.

The kindness of strangers is powerful. For her $20 outlay I felt such gratitude, it was as though she had solved a really big problem. No one had ever done this for me before – thankfully I do make a point of carrying money with me to the grocery store. There have been plenty of times when I have helped people in line who needed an extra fiver, but I had never been in such a spot myself. Believe me when I say the feeling is quite different when the shoe is on the other foot.

I am reminded of a time when a friend and I were shopping for groceries one Christmas Eve. We were buying what we needed to make lobster chowder for the people with whom we were spending Christmas. My friend noticed a somewhat disheveled young woman with two small children picking through the bargain bins with a very forlorn expression. He went over to her and asked her if she needed any assistance. She was so happy to hear his voice and his offer. She went on to explain that she was struggling to put a nice meal on the table for her and her children. Without a moment’s hesitation, he said, “It’s Christmas. I want you and your children to have a wonderful meal. I want to give you the groceries as a gift.” Naturally she was dumbfounded and with very little resistance accepted his offer. They went around the store and filled a cart full of turkey and all the fixings for a lovely Christmas dinner. He cheerfully paid for the groceries and carried them to her car, tears streaming down her face.

She said she wanted his address so she could thank him properly. He handed her a business card, gave her a hug and wished her a Merry Christmas. Two weeks later, after we returned from our holiday, a note arrived in the mail from this woman. She was so grateful and her story was so warm and tender. She cooked a beautiful meal for her and her children and because of his gesture could even afford a gift for each of them. The power of that thank you note was so incredible that we both just started to tear up. We have never received a more sincere note or a more cherished gift from anyone.

Giving of oneself is appreciated at all times by everyone – it is a universal human dynamic. Imagine if we all experienced giving and receiving throughout the year –perhaps even more so than we already do? Wouldn’t our world be a different place! I know I will never forget these special times when both giving and receiving made such an impression. It’s just a thought, but why not make a conscious effort to offer a random act of kindness everyday? The benefits are immeasurable, the joy everlasting!

Crossing the Line

One’s privacy is one of the most important components of an emotionally healthy and happy life. When boundaries are breached into our private lives, we tend to naturally become defensive – usually appropriately, sometimes with great difficulty! This subject has been the topic of several conversations lately and I thought laying down some guidelines is essential to keeping peace amongst friends as well as acquaintances. This instruction will more likely be welcome by the offended unfortunately rather than the offender.

Similar to stepping around sensitive topics when first meeting someone, we should always be mindful of the personal boundaries of other people. I have discussed the rudeness of playing loud music, eating smelly food, wearing too much perfume or cologne and infringing on the ever-quizzical middle armrest. But simple conversations can often lead us into dangerous territory even after we have become more acquainted with others.

Take for example the slightly overweight woman whose stomach is often given a second glance to ponder the “is she pregnant” question. How horribly uncomfortable she must feel as she catches your eyes resting on her midsection a second or two longer than usual. Imagine how shattered she feels when asked when is she expecting – or even IF she is expecting! Sadly this happens far too often and whether the question is delivered in total innocence or as a passive aggressive jab, it has the potential to be very hurtful – and it is rude.

Or what about the newlywed couple, who before they even have a chance to get onto the dance floor for their first dance, someone tactlessly asks, “So when will there be little ones be coming?” First of all, it’s not a kind or necessary question – it goes to the rude side of bad taste, so don’t ask it – ever, not even to your sister! Secondly, it’s none of your business. Such comments are ignorant and discourteous because they are intrusive. One’s family life is off the table when it comes to “interesting” topics, especially when one is just getting off the starting blocks.

Nor do people need false pity and idle gossip. There is the chatter by some pretending to be concerned about a person's plight, who have little or no genuine sympathy. They know full well that there is no real truth about a situation but go on embellishing the story. These people seem to bask in the ill fortune of others, delighting in it, as it makes them feel better about their own miserable lives. I have noticed this form of commiseration often becomes the topic of choice at the local hair salon. It's a heartless pastime. The truth, if there ever was any to begin with, is morphed into exaggeration or lies, which are often times very damaging and hurtful.

I am not suggesting that having compassion for friends and family who are facing current challenges is off limits; I am injecting a word of caution – think. If we were to take a few moments to think about what we are about to say, what our true intentions are, and how the words may affect others, we would save ourselves, and those around us a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of apologies. Most of us can probably remember times in our past when we wish we hadn’t said certain things to certain people. Those comments, which may have been long forgotten by the person offended (or not), can stay with us for the rest of our lives. Just think what a few seconds of careful consideration could have prevented!

We also need to keep in mind the examples we set for our children or those whom we teach or mentor. Gossiping is a habit to be avoided – it’s as bad as smoking to our health and to the health of those around us. Be aware when conversations turn into dumping grounds for hurt feelings, petty jealousies, and moments of anger. It is during these times of heightened emotions when we find ourselves most vulnerable to sudden outbursts. Every time this occurs, the eyes of our children are watching – they’re always watching. And what they see from us, their guides through the murky waters of adolescence, they characterize as acceptable behaviour, when in fact it is not.

Were it possible to wind back the clock and swallow those words we wish we had never uttered, we would be able to relieve those feelings or guilt and remorse that linger after every misspeak. But that is not the way the world works. It is far easier to keep silent than it is to repair hurt feelings. Next time you feel like sharing an opinion or asking a probing question, think again.