Crossing the Line

One’s privacy is one of the most important components of an emotionally healthy and happy life. When boundaries are breached into our private lives, we tend to naturally become defensive – usually appropriately, sometimes with great difficulty! This subject has been the topic of several conversations lately and I thought laying down some guidelines is essential to keeping peace amongst friends as well as acquaintances. This instruction will more likely be welcome by the offended unfortunately rather than the offender.

Similar to stepping around sensitive topics when first meeting someone, we should always be mindful of the personal boundaries of other people. I have discussed the rudeness of playing loud music, eating smelly food, wearing too much perfume or cologne and infringing on the ever-quizzical middle armrest. But simple conversations can often lead us into dangerous territory even after we have become more acquainted with others.

Take for example the slightly overweight woman whose stomach is often given a second glance to ponder the “is she pregnant” question. How horribly uncomfortable she must feel as she catches your eyes resting on her midsection a second or two longer than usual. Imagine how shattered she feels when asked when is she expecting – or even IF she is expecting! Sadly this happens far too often and whether the question is delivered in total innocence or as a passive aggressive jab, it has the potential to be very hurtful – and it is rude.

Or what about the newlywed couple, who before they even have a chance to get onto the dance floor for their first dance, someone tactlessly asks, “So when will there be little ones be coming?” First of all, it’s not a kind or necessary question – it goes to the rude side of bad taste, so don’t ask it – ever, not even to your sister! Secondly, it’s none of your business. Such comments are ignorant and discourteous because they are intrusive. One’s family life is off the table when it comes to “interesting” topics, especially when one is just getting off the starting blocks.

Nor do people need false pity and idle gossip. There is the chatter by some pretending to be concerned about a person's plight, who have little or no genuine sympathy. They know full well that there is no real truth about a situation but go on embellishing the story. These people seem to bask in the ill fortune of others, delighting in it, as it makes them feel better about their own miserable lives. I have noticed this form of commiseration often becomes the topic of choice at the local hair salon. It's a heartless pastime. The truth, if there ever was any to begin with, is morphed into exaggeration or lies, which are often times very damaging and hurtful.

I am not suggesting that having compassion for friends and family who are facing current challenges is off limits; I am injecting a word of caution – think. If we were to take a few moments to think about what we are about to say, what our true intentions are, and how the words may affect others, we would save ourselves, and those around us a lot of hurt feelings and a lot of apologies. Most of us can probably remember times in our past when we wish we hadn’t said certain things to certain people. Those comments, which may have been long forgotten by the person offended (or not), can stay with us for the rest of our lives. Just think what a few seconds of careful consideration could have prevented!

We also need to keep in mind the examples we set for our children or those whom we teach or mentor. Gossiping is a habit to be avoided – it’s as bad as smoking to our health and to the health of those around us. Be aware when conversations turn into dumping grounds for hurt feelings, petty jealousies, and moments of anger. It is during these times of heightened emotions when we find ourselves most vulnerable to sudden outbursts. Every time this occurs, the eyes of our children are watching – they’re always watching. And what they see from us, their guides through the murky waters of adolescence, they characterize as acceptable behaviour, when in fact it is not.

Were it possible to wind back the clock and swallow those words we wish we had never uttered, we would be able to relieve those feelings or guilt and remorse that linger after every misspeak. But that is not the way the world works. It is far easier to keep silent than it is to repair hurt feelings. Next time you feel like sharing an opinion or asking a probing question, think again.

How to Conduct an Interview Like a Pro

Preparing to conduct an interview can be just as daunting a task as being interviewed. We usually think of interviewing people for jobs, but there are other situations such as college placements, summer camp programs, volunteer positions, hiring a tradesman, choosing a doctor or other professional or even going out on a date, where interviewing skills come into play.

How we ask interview questions and connect with the other person influences the outcome greatly. Some people are wonderful interviewers, making us feel good about ourselves even if we don’t get the job, the college admission, etc. Without the ability to interact comfortably with one another, the interview process can quickly break down, often leading to a lose-lose outcome.

One of the first things we must decide is whether to conduct an interview in the first place. After reading a resume or doing our due diligence research in some other way, if the candidate is clearly not going to be a fit, I recommend not going ahead with an interview. Leading someone on as a mere matter of courtesy can appear kindly, but may in fact create unnecessary awkwardness and be a waste of time for both parties. I have read more resumes from people who had no qualifications for a given position than I have from people with qualifications. As interviewer, the choice to meet or not is completely yours.

I recommend conducting interviews on your ‘turf’. This allows the candidate to get a feel for the environment he or she may be working in. Obviously there will be instances when this is neither possible nor appropriate, especially when making initial contact. Recruiters often go to college campuses; dating sites are clearly neutral; and some interviews may take place on their ‘turf’ – a doctor, banker, or lawyer for example.

Prepare a comprehensive list of questions you want to ask ahead of time and be sure they follow a logical sequence. Being organized frees your mind to focus on listening to the answers forthcoming. Listening to comprehend and listening to respond are two completely different processes, the former always being the preferred one! Being prepared ahead of time with a list of questions helps us to ‘avoid the avoidable’, and be in a better position to focus on the other person and on our own organization and impressions.

Ask questions that will elicit thoughtful responses, not simple yes or no answers. This gives you a chance to assess communication skills and a general evaluation of the understanding of the position. Honing the skills required for asking strong,  leading questions takes practice – lots of it. Some of us can develop these skills more quickly than others, but we all improve with plenty of practice. Experience shows and the candidate will notice, and will be silently doing a bit of interviewing him or her self.

Be welcoming and gracious to all candidates whom you interview. Offer a firm handshake and a smile, make appropriate eye contact. This sets the tone for the exchange and makes for a kinder interaction. Never shake hands across a table or desk. Always step around any physical barrier and stand faceto-face. 

Showing one’s humility as an interviewer speaks volumes about how he or she views the world. No one feels comfortable in the presence of someone who comes across as a ‘big shot’; that is simply a bullying tactic, which has no place in an interview – or in civilized society for that matter.

Ask the candidate what questions he or she may have. Be prepared to answer them to the best of your ability. It is helpful to be conscious of the need to discern between facts and feelings at this time. Remember that your feelings about a situation are far different from the facts of the situation. Be mindful not confuse the two.

Once the interview is concluded, thank the candidate for their time and let them know if and how you will be in contact with them moving forward. Walk them to the door, offering a final warm handshake, a sincere smile and appropriate eye contact. These are the ways to show respect to the candidate and the interview process in general.

 

Dress to Impress

Spring has finally arrived and with this change of seasons comes a whole host of personal changes as well. For many young adults the prospect of job interviews is looming. There are job fairs sprouting up like so many daffodils and taking advantage of every possible lead is of paramount importance. However, if one dresses inappropriately, which is a predominant trend these days, you are definitely going to be eliminated from the competition right from the start. Getting into the right frame of mind is a very wise move if one is serious about job placement. Dressing the part will aid one immeasurably to that end.

Recruiters are the first gatekeepers for entry into many companies. The first impression one forms with them can be very important. Learning and executing a proper handshake, making appropriate eye contact ad engaging intelligently with these folks can make a big difference – in fact it can make THE difference. Part of the image one creates is how one dresses. Here are a few guidelines to assist and hopefully help tilt the tables in your favor.

For men:

1.     Be immaculately clean – including your hair and nails. Get a haircut – avoid looking unkempt.

2.     Wear clean pressed clothes that fit properly.

3.     Dress for the job you are seeking.

4.     Shine your shoes.

5.     Wear a necktie – preferably hand-tied – if at all possible.

6.     Your shoes and belt should be the same color.

7.     Your socks and trousers should match, if possible.

8.     Wear a light colored shirt, not a dark one.

9.     Tuck your shirt in all the way.

10. Remove all piercings and earrings. Conceal tattoos.

11. Consult with a trusted friend if necessary

For women:

1.     Dress conservatively.

2.     Do not wear clothing that reveals your body parts.

3.     Wear tasteful jewelry such as earrings, a pin or brooch, a ring or two, and a necklace.

4.     Remove all piercings from face and conceal tattoos.

5.     Wear clothes that fit - not a size too small.

6.     Wear comfortable, clean, low-heeled shoes.

7.     Arrange your hair neatly and with care.

8.     Apply fresh nail polish.

9.     Resist theatrical make-up.

10. Consult with a trusted friend if necessary.

In response to a previous column on wardrobe building, a reader commented that no one would spend $2000 on a suit. Although I strongly disagree, one can find bargains if one tries. I have made many purchases on eBay, as well as many second hand shops, discount outlets and thrift stores. The bottom line is that image does matter. There are many, many more image consultants than there are etiquette consultants because there is a greater perceived need. Image is often conveyed through one’s trappings.

Carrying on from the formal blue suit and black shoes, which are essential to any businessman’s wardrobe, fashions do shift and no longer are brown suits worn exclusively in the country. Many men feel more comfortable in less formal clothing and this is becoming more and more accepted. My traditional eye will tend to gravitate to a dark suit for business, but there are plenty of jobs – most in fact – where a less formal look is just as appropriate.

The same basic guidelines apply no matter what one wears. Be sure your clothes fit properly, are clean, and suit the job. Many people like adding a bit of flair to what they wear, and I am all in favor of that. The guideline in that case is to switch out one piece of clothing, not the whole outfit. For example, a pair of socks, a necktie, a shirt, or a pocket square would add a great accent and show off one’s personality. Be careful not to change all of those elements at once though and wind up looking foolish.

Keeping a professional image is one of the most important elements to being successful. That applies to all jobs. It also applies to all job interviews. The job market is highly competitive today. Many people competing for the same job have virtually identical skill sets. The skills therefore are not going to always be the determining factor of who is the successful candidate for the job. Corporate image is critical. When you apply for a job or even are visiting a recruiting fair, attention to sartorial detail should not be overlooked. Dressing for the part not only gives you an advantage of making a more favorable first impression, it also puts you in the right frame of mind.

Remember the saying that one never gets a second chance to make a first impression; but always be mindful that one always has a chance to make a good impression.

The Second Interview

Preparing for a first interview for employment, college placement, or a possible position on a not-for-profit board of directors, can be daunting enough. For those of us who make it through to the next round, it is time to really brings matters even more clearly into focus, giving us as good a chance as possible to land the desired position. A call back interview is an opportunity to fine-tune the assets we will bring to the position on offer.

The current economic climate makes this a buyer’s market for hiring. Competition has never been keener. The same holds true for entering certain colleges. Because so many candidates have equal skill sets required for said position, one wants to rely on the strength of one’s social skills – that something extra – that some of us luckily learned at our parents’ knees, but sadly are not familiar to all of us. The poise and comfort proper social skills offer make a difference in our confidence during an interview and speaking with persons who are potential employers. Without knowledge of proper business and social etiquette at these critical moments in one’s life self-doubt and a deep sense of angst can overtake our confidence.

During a second interview, one may or may not meet with the same interviewer as the initial one. I always try to bring in another person when possible when conducting such interviews myself. One would most certainly expect to answer a fresh round of questions. Anticipating what such questions might be can put one at a distinct advantage. This may not be an easy feat however, especially as some interviewers are relatively inexperienced and may ask ‘silly’ questions designed to throw one off balance. Being put in such a situation may help you decide whether this position is actually a good fit for you.

Here are a few pieces of advice for preparing for the ‘next’ interview.

1)   Get plenty of sleep the night before, being sure to watch what you eat and drink – water being first and foremost. This helps ensure one is feeling one’s very best. How one feels greatly influences how well one communicates.

2)   Be impeccably clean, taking great care to have perfect nails and hair.

3)   Dress immaculately, allowing one’s personality to show in a positive light.

4)   Smile radiantly during introductions, exuding confidence and a comfortable, yet focused attitude. Walk in standing tall as if having been the chosen one.

5)   Allow the interviewer to extend his or her hand before offering yours to shake hands.

6)   Prepare a list of questions that delve further into the position than those prepared for the initial meeting.

7)   Listen carefully to the questions asked, allowing time to clearly understand the question before answering. Thoughtfulness is recognized and appreciated by and being understood is certainly a key component to connecting in an interview situation. This is the sort of trait that most companies seek as potential representatives. This also holds true for college admissions where a balanced student body is desired. When building a strong board of directors for a not-for-profit organization, a well-rounded compliment of personalities is critical.

8)   Before walking into this second interview give careful consideration to the goal of connecting with the interviewer. This single ‘tip’ may well be what tips the scale in your favor.

One rarely knows how many other people are competing for the same position. This second interview may not be the final one either.

If there are any lingering questions that concern you about the position’s required skills, be honest. If there are areas where you feel you may need to improve, express a willingness to both recognize said shortcomings and improve upon them. This admission will clearly explain one’s determination to correct any deficiencies.

One of the most important qualities one wants to exhibit is one of comfortable preparedness. This is, after all, a very important meeting and one wants to show one is serious and completely invested in the interview process. Connecting with the interviewer will set most people apart, as this can be awkward for many of us. Oddly enough, if one can put the interviewer at ease, even if they are unaware that this is happening, their comfort level will register in your favour.

All things being equal, if one walks in as though one already has secured the position without appearing cocky, in many cases, this will in fact be the end result.

Downton Deliberations - Season Three Christmas Special

Downton Deliberations – Season Three Christmas Special

Following on from episode 8, where the men seem to be all on a level playing field, this episode is set at Duneagle Castle, in the Scottish Highlands for a 10-day summer sojourn. 

The theme of this final episode is one of everyone showing their true colours. All of the spots on all of the leopards come clearly into focus, preparing us for what portends to be a gripping fourth season.

There is some tension evident between Thomas and James with the new assignments as James as 1^st footman and Thomas as Under butler. At the Thirsk Country Fair, the Downton team unfairly wins tug of war; James gets drunk and is accosted by the sore losers on his way home; but it is Thomas who comes to his aide and gets badly beaten himself. As it turns out, he had been following James with the hope of taking advantage of his drunken state. James visits the recovering Thomas and they end up as friends after a civil chat and their cards are finally laid on the table.

Tom remains at Downton instead of going to Duneagle, as he doesn’t know the Flintshires. Tom’s feelings for his Irish roots are strained with the flirtations of the new maid, Edna. He does manage to resist her inappropriate advances, showing he does know right from wrong, and bodes well for the future of Downton. 

Even the cameo roles such as Mr. Moseley and Mrs. Patmore's suitor, Tufton, show the very real characters that are part of any society.

Lord Flintshire (Shrimpie) and Robert commiserate about the former's unhappiness. “How little we have in common”, referring to his hopeless marriage. He goes on to confide he will be losing his estate. In a momentary glance we can see Robert reflect on how his own life might have turned out had he not been rescued. In the end Robert has restored himself in his own mind as the real head of the family, which of course he has been all along, having sorting out Alfred's phone call to the police, staffing issues between James and Thomas, and nodding to Tom that perhaps the new ideas of managing Downton are worth a try.  

Carson flexes his muscle a bit reasserting his position as boss while the family is away, but feels undermined. “Uneasy lies the head that wears the crown.” We get a glimpse into Carson's paternal side as he holds baby Sybil. The continuity of devotion through the generations is reassuring.

One of Matthew's finest lines before the fateful car crash, “Don’t dislike him before you know him. That’s a hallmark of our parents’ generation, and I forbid it.” Matthew delivers this to Mary, who gives birth to their son – the next generation and heir to Downton. The ever-cold Mary sees it as her duty.

How do you see the next season unfolding. I can see multiple seasons and hope there will be many.

The Etiquette Guy

Wow, what an episode!

Things certainly are changing in Yorkshire! 

When did Clarkson go from rolling his eyes at Isobel to wanting to propose?  Did we miss an episode along the way?

I find Edith’s attitude about her beau quite bold and modern (to quote everyone’s favourite Downton villain) and I think she might be the only one of the three Crawley girls who ends up happy.

The Rose storyline is a big unnerving.  Will she come to Downton and make a mockery of the place?  I do hope Season 4 isn’t all about her antics. 

The character of the episode was Shrimpy’s gun room.  Can we take a moment to admire his collection?  It’s quite impressive!

How did Matthew end up as an officer in the British Army but can’t shoot a deer?  Why did it seem like he had never held a gun in his life?

There seems to be quite a lot of repetition of storylines and script; Tom kissing the maid, the Gunga Din line.  I hope this isn’t a sign Fellowes is losing his imagination.

It’s nice to see Anna and Bates finally happy!  The picnic and Ball scenes were magical to say the least.

I loved the scene between Mrs Hughes and Tom, it’s nice that he has someone to talk to about his grief and steer him in the right direction.

I do hope Tom will finally find some peace in his life and turn over a new leaf.  He only wants to be love and his loneliness and anger are ruining his life. 

A new baby is always such a joy, Mary and Matthew could’ve been so happy.  The moment Robert was talking about change and uncertainty over the footage of Matthew driving down the road I knew it wouldn’t end well.  It’s a shame Matthew had to be killed off but at least he left an heir.  My prediction is Tom and Mary will join forces to run the estate until the baby is old enough to take over. 

It has been quite a journey this season and a delight to work with Jay to bring Downton Deliberations to the blogisphere each week!

The Suburban Princess