CHCT Etiquette Guy: Episode 1

Honor Our Troops

November 11 is Remembrance Day. This is the time day when we take a moment to give thanks and pay respect to the men and women all over the world from countries far and wide whose jobs it was to protect the free world? We are reminded of the ultimate sacrifice they made. We honor past fallen heroes as we watch the news of the wars in Afghanistan and in Iraq. So many countries work together towards the common goal of a free world. We so often not only take for granted the choices that we can make, but in fact that we have the ability to make those choices at all. On Remembrance Day we show our gratitude.

Many of us have seen the advertisements on television showing troops carrying their heavy gear through crowded airports to the cheers and applause of well wishers. Some troops are going off to war; others are returning; yet others are on their first trip to basic training. What a nice way to openly show our gratitude. We take a moment; look them each squarely in the eye; smile and say thank you. Some will likely not return.

Remembrance Day is an official flag flying day too. Customarily, the flag is raised in the morning and lowered to half mast from 11 am to 12 Noon, when it is once again raised fully.

The armed forces serve to protect our country from harm and to help defend democracy around the world. They also are a wonderful way for young men and women to get a great education and to learn how to impart good values to their own children as well as to children overseas left homeless as a result of war and bloodshed.

The natural disasters which occur on an unfortunately unpredictable and frequent basis are further occasions for various branches of the military to come to our rescue. It amazes me how often I read about the National Guard moving in to help out in one serious situation after another. Those men and women are so skillfully trained in so many important skills. Earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, forest fires and other forces of nature leave a path of destruction. We are so blessed to have a well trained army of people who can step up to the plate when called upon. Remembrance Day remembers those who lost their lives in this line of duty as well.

I think about the day when war will sleep. The world will be quiet from gun blasts and rocket fire. Pirates will no longer threaten our precious cargo. Disagreements between us will be handled civilly. We as a human race can value life for what it is, free of discrimination, free of oppression, free of the need to exert unnecessary power over our fellow man. Until that time, our armed forces are important. There are tens of thousands of troops strategically placed around the globe keeping a watchful eye over potential harm. Second guessing the master minds of evil, while at the same time battling the dreaded diseases and poverty of the third world, are all in a days work for these brave men and women in uniform. And their valiant efforts were not done on some lush tropical island with gentle breezes. These folks were subject to the worst of conditions with danger lurking around every corner.

I like days like Remembrance Day. It is another of those punctuations on the calendar which reminds us to count our blessings and to be mindful of those who made our life of freedom possible. The next time you see an enlisted person in uniform, take a moment to look them in the eye and extend your hand from your heart to theirs. It shows how much respect we have for them and how much the dangerous jobs that they have chosen do not go unnoticed by any one of us. They will appreciate this kind gesture and so will your heart.

More Civility on the Roads

I received this letter from a reader several weeks ago. As I was sitting at my desk watching winter approach, I thought that perhaps a column addressing driving might be a good idea. Driving in the snow and ice of New Brunswick present its own set of problems. Let’s first address the concerns of this reader.

Dear Jay:

I was disappointed that your previous column, "Civility rules on the road, too," did not address civility between different users of the road, as for example, automobiles and pedestrians or automobiles and bicycles.

In particular, I wish that more automobile drivers were aware of the following:

1) Your "right" to make a right turn at a red light is limited by the presence of pedestrians crossing the road in front of you.

2) Even though pedestrian-activated red lights are not part of what you personally may consider to be part of the normal signal cycle, you are still required to stop for them. If you fail to notice them in time because you are driving too fast or because you are overly distracted, as for example by your cell phone, it is your responsibility to amend your behavior, not the pedestrian's responsibility to stay out of your way.

3) Where a sidewalk crosses the entrance or exit to a driveway or parking lot, pedestrians on the sidewalk have the right of way, as do cyclists moving along the right-hand side of the road. You are required to wait until the way is clear for you to proceed. Patience is a virtue, possess it if you can...

4) Cyclists are required to ride along the right-hand side of the paved roadway. They are not required to ride on unpaved surfaces, across broken glass, through potholes that would rip their front wheels off, etc. If the presence of a cyclist at the right-hand side of the paved roadway does not leave enough room for you to pass, this does not give you license to run the cyclist off the road. You need to wait until you have room to pass safely. Patience is a virtue...

And finally, a word addressed specifically to young male drivers:

While you personally may think it fun to yell at pedestrians and cyclists as you go by in order to see if you can make them jump, no one else thinks it's fun. Grow up - or turn in your license until you're mature enough to handle it.

S.R.W.

Dear S.R.W.,

Thanks for pointing out these important rules which people do tend to forget. There is a civility which must be practiced while driving, peddling and walking so no one gets injured. It is advisable for pedestrians to walk on the left side of the street, thereby facing into oncoming traffic. This enables them to clearly see approaching vehicles and step off the road surface if possible as they pass. Cyclists need to stay to the far right hand side of the road when motor vehicles are passing. In many communities there are actual bike lanes specifically designated for their safety. The addition of more of these lanes will only enhance the safety of those riding bikes. Motor cycles and automobiles must follow traffic rules carefully and be prepared for any surprises that a pedestrian or cyclist may present. Even though there are designated cross walk areas in many towns, out of town visitors, of which we have many here in this tourist town, may be unaware of them and are particularly vulnerable.

Children need to learn about traffic and traffic rules at an early age. Although there are often well marked signs prohibiting bicycles on sidewalks, a lot of folks are unaware of them. Children feel and are safer riding on the sidewalks, signs or no signs. However it is up to a parent to teach their children that pedestrians have the right of way on or off sidewalks. This is an easy way to begin to instill the concept of respect for other in the minds of our youth. Being aware of traffic safety regulations protects youngsters against traffic dangers.

As far as driving around here in the winter, the same rules apply. However, because it is far more difficult to stop or swerve on an icy pavement, great caution must be practiced. Test your brakes from time to time as road conditions change. Drive defensively and slower than you normally would. There are also deer that leap onto the road coming seemingly out of no where. To enable you to be as safe as possible in the winter, make sure your car is winterized by a licensed mechanic. Keep warm clothes or blankets in the car. Remember to charge your cell phone and carry it with you in case of an emergency. Tell someone where you are going and when you expect to return. If you are going to travel a long distance, check road and highway conditions before hand to be prepared for any delays. By taking these few precautionary measures, your winter travel will be safer. Erring on the side of caution demonstrates the respect you have for your fellow travelers and for you as well.

The Etiquette of Making Small Talk

Last week's column prompted a reader to ask me to go into greater depth about how to initiate conversations at the dinner table, especially with people you don't know well. What encouraged me to pursue this topic was partly because it is a skill which is incredibly useful to have; and also the person asking me to talk the art of conversation seemed to me to be self assured and a good conversationalist, yet shared with me the fright and discomfort they feel when they find themselves in this very situation.

Whether you find yourself at a business mixer or a large family dinner, there will be times when you find yourself face to face with a stranger, be it a new business acquaintance or a distant cousin. The silence which can linger can make both people feel uncomfortable and starting a short conversation is one of the easiest ways to break the ice. It is as simple as beginning with, "hello my name is" and moving on to ' isn't this a lovely gathering; I'm glad to be here tonight with such interesting company."

When meeting someone for the first time in any situation, be prepared to shake hands, standing up straight and with confidence. Smile and repeat the person's name a couple of times in the next few sentences to help you remember it. Diving into personal questions or areas where there could be a difference of opinion, such as religion and politics, is best avoided during the initial introductions. Stick to noncontroversial topics such as the lovely hospitality, the weather, world news, food, books and hobbies. It helps to stay current on world events. Matters of health, wealth, gossip, age and other unpleasant subjects can also wait until a relationship of a more familial nature develops.

I find that people do enjoy talking about themselves and in a way, because it is such familiar territory, it relaxes them and makes conversation easier, albeit a bit one sided. Speaking about your family and other personal interests opens the door for your new acquaintance to ask questions or reveal information of a similar nature without fear of embarrassment. Finding common ground is the end result of these initial exchanges, which although referred to as small talk, can have a very large influence on what sort of first impression you make and how successful the friendship might be in the future.

While logic would lead you to believe that your initial nervousness and discomfort can be eased by talking about subjects near and dear to you, the same can also happen when you focus your attention on putting the other person's level of comfort ahead of your own.

Have you ever noticed how the different tones of voice and topics of discussion change from when men are speaking to other men and women to other women, to when men and women are speaking to one another? This is our inherent, often disguised way of posturing for position and this posturing can differ greatly from one situation to another. This is where the black and white lines of the social and the business worlds become spectrums of grey. Being aware of your tone of voice and being sensitive to other people's feelings helps to make it easier not to cross lines inappropriately.

Although the nature of these initial conversations appears unimportant on the surface, it does reveal a great deal about the speaker, especially his personality. Such seemingly superfluous chats can be quite brief and act as catalysts for more substantial, perhaps even urgent matters; or they can carry on indefinitely as is occasionally the case with some difficult family relationships.

The ability to be comfortable initiating these opening conversations comes very naturally to some people; to many others it takes time and practice. The effort put into honing these skills is well worth it. As mentioned last week, the dinner table is a perfect training ground for such practice. As adults, it is our responsibility to teach our youth, tomorrow's leaders, these important skills, and with practice, they become comfortable and healthy habits. Feeling confident and at ease around strangers makes it far easier not only to make friends but to begin establishing meaningful relationships.

Reader Question: Invitation Debacles

Whose responsibility is good manners?

I am often asked questions which revolve around guilt and blame. Good manners and civility, even though based on common sense, tend to bear their fair share of this topic. I received this letter recently which is a textbook example illustrating the lengths people will go to in order to blame others and avoid feeling guilt as a result of their own basic lack of respect for others, in this case their own family.

Question: Dear Jay,

I was hoping you would lend your impartial ear to this debate between my brother and I. This Saturday was my son's 5th birthday and, earlier in the week, my wife and I decided we would invite the grandparents and uncles (my two brothers) over to celebrate. My son had his own party with his friends in the morning, but we were hoping family could stop in Saturday evening just to socialize a bit. I called my brother on Thursday evening and left a cell phone message asking him to call me, and then I left a Facebook message with his girlfriend also saying we wanted to get together over the weekend. He called me back and left a message, but due to some cell phone problems, I never received his message. On Saturday, he called me to tell me he had plans Saturday and would not be able to come over. He also informed me that it was rude to ask him to Saturday's birthday get together on Thursday evening. He had plans with his girlfriend and felt that this was not enough advance notice. It should be mentioned that my brother lives in town and does not work on the weekends. I thought a Thursday notification was not unreasonable, given that he knew his nephew's birthday was coming up and that we have had the family over for every birthday in the past. Again, this was a get together of just the immediate family and I left my initial message vague because I was willing to negotiate the time of the "party". He attempted to reach me a few times by my faulty cell phone, but never spoke with me directly about the matter until Saturday. He could have e-mailed me at any point and he could have called my house phone. I would greatly appreciate your opinion on how this situation unfolded and whether or not I should feel guilty for not informing of him of the get together before Thursday.

THANKS! - Confused

P.S. I would like to add that my wife and I did not even formulate the plan ourselves until Tuesday or Wednesday. We are both full time teachers with two young sons...so things sometimes get rather busy and thwart advanced planning.

Dear Confused,

Thanks for asking this important question. You are a master of making excuses. Unfortunately none of them are any good. You and your wife are not the first people on the planet to hold down two full time jobs and have two young children. If this is your son's fifth birthday and you and your wife can't arrange a party until three days prior to the date, why would you assume your brother would have his schedule open for you, - simply because you've had such a party in the past? If your cell phone doesn't work, you need to tell people and get it fixed. No one is a mind reader. Clearly your system of communicating using facebook, emails and cell phones doesn't work. I suggest picking up the telephone. Even consider enlisting the help of your collective parents to track down the errant sibling. But don't blame your brother for your negligence. Let's face it, the birthday party for a five year old child, which is in fact not even the real birthday party with the cake, etc. will not trump previously made plans with a girl friend. Such a gathering barely made it onto your own books. Finally, in life woulda, coulda, shoulda does not count. Hindsight works all the time and is an unfair argument. What you must practice is foresight, and try not to create so much ado about nothing.

You must remember that as the host of a party, it is your sole responsibility to make sure everything runs smoothly. That includes extending invitations in a timely manner. As far as feeling guilty about all of this, my advice to you is to let it go. Guilt is a huge negative energy drain on all of us who find the need to carry it. You did nothing illegal. You did not harm anyone. Your intentions were good. Learn from this experience and don't do it again. I hope this helps.

Jay

Let this be a gentle reminder that good manners begin at home. By practicing them consistently, you will instill in your children healthy social behavior. Respecting one another will always stand us in good stead for the challenges life provides us.

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 3

Another episode from the my local show on CHCT:

Etiquette Guy on CHCT TV

Those of you from outside my home region of St. Andrews, New Brunswick might not realize I have my own TV show on the local station CHCT that discusses different etiquette subject each week. Check it out: