Dismissive Remarks and Etiquette

How many times have you been told to ‘buck up’, or ‘that’s just the way it is’, or ‘get over it’? These are dismissive remarks that can make you feel worse than you did before sharing your discomfort about a situation or fear you were experiencing. One of the guiding principles of etiquette is to put other people’s feelings and comfort ahead of your own. Although their advice may mean not taking whatever is bothering you too seriously, what you hear may not alleviate the discomfort you are feeling. The disconnection comes in not knowing where to take your next step. How do you “just get over it” when what is troubling you is very real and painful? The person making the remark may have the best intentions, but your reality and their advice don’t match up.

When someone is stressed and comes to us for comforting, support, or some advice, the best thing we can do is to listen. Sitting down with a friend, who is feeling alone, confused or in pain and offering them a chance to share their troubles is the mark of a true friend. Such a time often allows them to reach a calm solution. Occasionally, it gives you a chance to offer some advice or more tangible assistance. Listening is the most important thing we can do initially. Putting an arm around their shoulder, literally or figuratively, is also a form of comfort that most people respond to when they’re feeling overwhelmed.

When we listen with the intent to understand what is on the other person’s mind, we gain a new perspective; we can have empathy; and we can be compassionate. Too often, we are so insensitive to the pain or fear a person is suffering and expressing to us that our listening is focused on how we will respond. Frequently, a dismissive remark is the result of such insensitivity. We need to filter our thoughts before they become words. Doing so gives us enough time to establish our role as friend and supporter and to reconsider what we will say.

Because a phrase or untoward remark can disrupt a positive social interaction, I am encouraged to notice a renewed interest in the subject of treating children with respect. This can be observed within a group of childhood friends, where peer groups establish a flexible congenial pecking order, or it can between teachers and students, coaches and athletes, or parents and children. The result of paying attention to our children and working to maintain integrated relationships teaches children how to respect others because they are being respected.

New schools of thinking are evolving that show just how critically important respect is to a child, from infancy into adulthood. In fact, our society is built on respecting one another, following The Golden Rule and applying common sense when we think of it. Now we are beginning to realize that dismissive remarks are incredibly painful and damaging to children as well as adults. It is an opportunity to become more sensitive to children’s feelings and fears, and to move from a disconnected, dismissive attitude to an encouraging and connected one.

Within families, dismissive remarks can be very painful. With enough regularity, they can destroy a person, leaving them with little or no self worth. Civility and polite speech suggest that we should be as aware as possible of how we affect the people around us, not only how they affect us. There is a cooperation here that has evolved over the years and helps us maintain a civil society. Obviously, sometimes it works better than others. Within our homes, we can provide a safe and civil environment. With care and attention, we take this with us to school, to work, and throughout our communities.

In business, when we work to our potential, we are justifiably proud of reaching our goals. Part of civility in the workplace is an atmosphere of encouragement. We have a right to work in a place where fear and bullying are not acceptable.  In his new book From Bully to Bull’s-Eye – Move Your Organization Our of the Line of Fire, Andrew Faas focuses on the importance and significance of psychologically safe workplaces, and how a supportive work environment can erode the staggering numbers of stress-related deaths we currently cope with. And, in her new book, The 30% Solution - How Civility at Work Increases Retention, Engagement and Profitability, Lewena Bayer explains exactly how to achieve significant gains from the holistic perspective of incorporating greater civility at work.

We are responsible for what comes out of our mouths. We are the ones who spit out hurtful, dismissive remarks. We can stop saying them. We need to pay closer attention to our thoughts, our speech, and our actions. We should follow the fundamental principles of etiquette – to put the other person ahead of us, and to take the high road whenever possible – and it’s always possible.

We start with ourselves, taking the time to find a quiet place everyday, where we can reflect, understand the need for self-compassion, and for inner healing and rejuvenation.  It’s almost springtime. There’s no better time than the present to begin to be kinder and gentler in our words. Perhaps adding a smile to our vocabulary might be our best comment.

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The Teaspoon

One long time reader recently told me that my columns were getting too heavy. I can overlook the fact that the venue was my dinner table, where the reader was a guest. But what did register is that there is a noticeable difference between the straight etiquette columns and those that stretch the readers’ minds. And so, as a gesture of gratitude to this faithful reader, here is a column of a lighter nature.

Today I want to address the teaspoon. I noticed, read and commented on an Internet discussion about the teaspoon. The gist of the dialogue was “why are teaspoons placed furthest to the right when setting a table?” The correct answer to the query is that the teaspoon does not belong in a place setting. Customarily the teaspoon is brought with the teacup and saucer. If banquet setting is used, whereby the teacup is part of the place setting, then the teaspoon is placed on the saucer, not in the usual cutlery line-up.

Many restaurants and home kitchens use teaspoons for many reasons other than quietly stirring a cup of tea. Teaspoons are used in place of other spoons – soup spoons, dessert spoons, fruit spoons, etc. For proper meal service, however, the teaspoon would not make an appearance. There is a common misconception that a teaspoon (or a tablespoon, if no teaspoon is to be found) should be part of every place setting. If there is no purpose for the spoon then no spoon should be set.

The spoon, when it teams up with its friends, the fork and the knife, actually lays out a roadmap for the impending meal. The diner will know what to expect for a meal by the cutlery selected and how it is arranged. The setting is placed so that the diner begins on his or her far right and/or far left of the array of cutlery and work one’s way inward toward the plates as the courses proceed. Obviously, if a teaspoon were to be interspersed anywhere in the line-up, an astute diner would notice such a faux pas.

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Not everyone has a complete flatware service, so we substitute where we must. If a teaspoon is the only size in your drawer, then so be it. The teaspoon rules! If however, there is also a tablespoon, consider using that for soup, dessert, or spaghetti twirling. But under no circumstances should anyone place a teaspoon (or any other piece of flatware) on the table if it is not needed to eat the meal.

In the discussion among the etiquette experts, one person suggested that perhaps the teaspoon was there for the sorbet course, customarily served just prior to the entrée, and following the salad course. Sorbet is served to clear the palate between different courses and is usually eaten with a teaspoon, which is placed on the saucer that accompanies the sorbet flute.

In the end, the teaspoon plays different roles in different situations. In restaurants, for the sake of efficiency, the errant teaspoon is to be expected and is used at the diner’s discretion. At home, there is no reason not to set the table properly, using only the cutlery needed at each meal time.

And for those wanting the finer points, teaspoons come in two sizes, thanks to those creative Victorians. In sterling silver, each one weighs in at a hefty one full troy ounce. The larger of the teaspoons, called oddly enough – a teaspoon, is used at breakfast where the teacup is often larger than the teacups used for afternoon tea. And yes, you guessed it; the smaller teaspoon is called an afternoon teaspoon. It should not be used in place of the sugar spoon for helping yourself to sugar from the sugar bowl, unless of course there is no sugar spoon, which is of course a very serious error in etiquette. The teaspoon is never to be used to ring out a teabag – or even poke at a teabag believing that such a gesture will produce stronger tea faster. Clanging the teaspoon against the teacup to stir its contents is bad form. It is a polite instrument for carefully and quietly sipping tea that is too hot to drink from the cup. It is not, however, a means of slurping one's tea.

So there you have it – the simple teaspoon. It’s best used for what it was made – tea. One final etiquette note – it is definitely wrong to eat rice or peas with a spoon in traditional Western dining, unless you are under six years of age.

Column 461 – Scents and Sensibility

Our awareness of sensitivities to scents has been on the increase for the past several decades. Exactly why this phenomenon has occurred is open to debate. Nonetheless, because of the increase in allergies, and a variety of reactions to sprays and perfumed products, society has developed certain rules of etiquette – from suggestions to laws – that help us avoid offending or causing any stress to people around us. Most of us are familiar with scent-free zones in many public buildings including professional offices and seniors’ residences. I applaud the ease that we allowed these behavioural modifications to evolve, sometimes rather suddenly. To me, this acceptance indicates flexibility and resiliency – two characteristics necessary for the sustainability of a healthy society.

Scents that are the culprits of this intrusiveness are found in foods, colognes, detergents, antiperspirants, chewing gum, medications, hair products, and so on. Because we cannot harness the reach of airborne odours, we must be that much more aware of how far reaching they can travel. A good rule of thumb when using colognes and perfumes is to remember that you will interact with others who may feel assaulted if these scents are applied too liberally. Think about how much scent you are putting into the air we breathe. Your fragrance should be thought of as a subtle part of your outfit. It’s not necessarily a bonus for others. It should be used as minimally as possible.

If someone politely objects to your fragrance because it is an irritant, consider how others might also find it hard to breathe because of your perfume, cologne, fabric softener, etc.

For a great article on the finer points of wearing perfume, I refer you to the following article by etiquette consultant/columnist Debby Mayne: https://www.thespruce.com/proper-etiquette-for-wearing-fragrance-1216717

When it comes to food smells, I find it amazing how the lingering waft from microwaved left over Italian food can be more off-putting when I encounter it, say in a business office than at a restaurant. This is particularly true if the odor lingers in an office or other places we least expect to smell foods. A misplaced scent can be an unwelcome surprise in an unexpected setting, and produce the wrong association with people we are visiting or with whom we do business.

Most offices and workplaces have small kitchens or some appliances for heating up food for one’s lunch. But, people have become nose-blind to the foods they regularly eat that have a strong smell. They simply don’t consider other people’s sensitivities. And, interestingly enough, when eating is not what is on someone’s mind, the smell of food can be very distracting and unpleasant. Be sensible and considerate when consuming food in confined spaces.

Who really likes the smell that reeks from those car air fresheners, shaped like a pine tree without the natural scent? They do not cover up the odours they are meant to mask, and create another inordinately disgusting smell. The cacophony of stale smells ranging from wet pets to gym bags to spilled fish chowder to cigarettes or worse do not go away with these artificial odour eaters. Clearly, antibacterial soap and water and a significant measure of elbow grease will go a long way to eliminating bad smells.

In your home, fresh air, regular vacuuming, dusting and a damp cloth make far more suitable solutions to something that smells. Rely on the old fashioned solutions such as white vinegar and water, a lemon rinse, or simple soap and water. These are proven odour eliminators and are economical also.

But no two people necessarily agree on what is pleasant and what is not. Therefore, err on the side of caution. Fresh flowers in your house are one thing, but often they are no longer welcome in a patient’s hospital room. This practice acknowledges both the patient and the hospital staff, who may have an allergy to any number of flowers. When taking a bouquet of fresh flowers as a hostess gift, aside from arranging them in a vase prior to your arrival, be sure they don’t have too strong a scent. For example, Lilies-of-the-Valley are coveted by some, yet are noxious to others.

Finally, there is the matter of body odour. Most human beings are repulsed by the sour smells that our bodies emit if we ignore personal hygiene. Whether it is bad odours produced by exercise or simply not taking a shower or bath, it is our obligation to keep ourselves clean without nasty odour. Do not become offensive because you decided not to wash, not to use hygiene products, and put on clean clothing. This is an important habit to instill in children at a very early age. Dousing ourselves too liberally with perfumes is not acceptable. Wash and wash daily. There is no excuse for smelling lousy. Being sensitive to other peoples’ sensitivities around scents is only sensible.

Revisiting an Old Friend – Willy Was His Name

Like many of you, over the past week or so I have been laid up with a nasty flu bug.  Too tired to do much of anything except sleep, I did have ample time to think – about all kinds of things. Since I have been focusing lately on dysfunctional families and how we might navigate through holidays and visits with difficult family members, I think it is time for a shift to positive relationships. I am blessed to have had many close friends who over the years who have helped shape my life and how I approach many of life’s challenges today. 

I was a skinny eight-year-old just getting off a train I had been riding for a few hours – all alone, wondering what in the world was in store for me. With a bunch of other young boys, I boarded a bus to take me to summer camp in the New Hampshire woods. We were at a crossroads called White River Junction and wrestling with duffle bags that outweighed most of us. We pulled into what would turn out to be the magic of Camp Pemigewassett – my summer residence for the next five years.

Even at the age of eight I was imbued with a natural calm and keen sense of adventure. Willy was the camp counsellor who was in charge of all of us junior campers. He was strict, but not unreasonably so. After all, he was in charge of some serious cargo. Willy was a Princeton graduate and a schoolmaster professionally. He coached baseball – a sport in which  admittedly I never had any interest. I was a tennis player when it came to sports, but most of my waking hours were spent at the Nature Lodge. Collecting hundreds of specimens of any imaginable living organism – mostly plants, moths and butterflies occupied many formative hours of exploration.

Willy had little interest in the Nature Lodge and upon reflection was the serious guy. He was very well respected by all of the other counsellors, and feared by most of the campers – almost to a fault, except for me. We developed a close bond out of which grew a true friendship. Over the years after camp we exchanged Christmas cards. He even came over to visit me once at my boarding school. Being a typically emotionally stunted schoolboy, I did not understand the fragility of friendships.

Then one year, I received no Christmas card. I was 17. My mother handed me a letter hand addressed to me. I did not recognize the handwriting, but noticed the postmark was Princeton, New Jersey. Willy’s family lived in Princeton, and the letter was from his brother – another camp counsellor. Willy was dead. He had died from a brain tumour. This was my first experience losing what I can only describe as a kindred spirit. I was shattered. I had no one to turn to for consolation. I had no choice but to just move on.

I think of Willy every Christmas. I see his infectious smile in my minds eye. I remember that he was the one person to whom I would turn if I needed someone to talk to. He was the one who would bring me a treat of bubble gum. He clapped the loudest when I won nature awards – which were numerous. He was my safety net.

So lying in bed wondering about what to write about, his memory came flooding back. I began thinking. What was it about our paths having crossed that left such an indelible impression on me? I’m not sure I have it figured out, but what I do know is that he is not alone in my mind. I have other friends who were snatched away from this physical plane far too early. The light bulb that went off in my mind was that I have gone through life with blinders on, my eyes never wide open to the value of true friendship.

In looking at this dynamic from the point of view of the Six Pillars of Civility, the two principles that stand out are awareness and gratitude. How often are we fully tuned in to our close friendships? How often do we take the time to be grateful for these friendships? In Willy’s case, I am discovering that it is never too late to connect – the mind is a powerful tool. And although I cannot thank him personally, I can be thankful knowing I was lucky enough to have had such an awesome mentor in my life - now that I realize it.

How many Willies have you been lucky enough to know? Hold them close; visit with them from to time and smile when you do. They’re smiling back.