Downton Deliberations - Season 3 Episode 3

Following on from the tremendous tensions building around the future of Downton from Episodes 1 and 2, where we were entertained by the butting of heads downstairs and the newfound dynamic of class structure flexibility upstairs, with opinions more openly shared between the two.

But what struck me most was Thomas and his malicious acts, growing at a pace reflecting his increasing sense of loneliness. First he tries to derail the tenuous Mr. Mosley, then Albert, the young innocent and honest new kid on the block – in an effort to wound Miss O’Brien. I am wondering what Thomas’ motivation is. Is he suffering from PTS or it is something more. Is he suffering from living as a gay man in an intolerant world? I wonder if he and Miss O’Brien share a common bond? Or is he mortified about losing his job at Downton, fearing for his future security?

The advanced age of Lady Edith’s intended (Antony Strathan) is of concern to Lord Grantham. Antony caves in at the altar, finally realizing he is spent up, despite the desperate pleading from Edith. Perhaps he represents the old guard resistant to modern ways (of women being so forward) and resigned to live out his life in quietude.

Matthew continues coping badly with the thought of a misbegotten inheritance; but once he sees a letter clearing his feelings of guilt, he comes to his senses. Matthew delivers the good news to Lord Grantham. Robert, unwilling to accept a hand out, insists on offering Matthew an investment opportunity in Downton. The future of Downton appears secure as the generations unite, the baton clearly handed forward.

It was refreshing to see Carson deeply concerned about Mrs. Hughes; looking at his watch at just the moment she was ‘hearing the news’. Singing once he hears she doesn’t have cancer was an uplifting and very tender moment.

Etiquette Guy

Ahhhh Edith’s wedding day is here and she is relishing the entire experience.  Years of self imposed misery and she finally gets her moment in the sun.  It seems Cora and Violet still have their doubts but nothing, and no one, will stand in the way of Edith’s betrothal.  I have to admit felt a little schadenfreude after witnessing 10 years of Edith’s nasty antics.  I am certain Mary smirked a little bit when Anthony bolted.

I am thrilled to hear Mrs. Hughes will be alright!  Although, I wonder if she was telling the truth, or fibbed to spare her friends their worry.  This storyline brought to mind the changes and advancements in women’s health over the last 100 years.  In 1922 breast cancer would’ve been a death sentence, like so many diseases with cures we now take for granted.  I am glad Dr. Clarkson didn’t send her home with orders to take a glass of milk with cinnamon at each meal; his medical abilities are improving by leaps and bounds!  Cora’s promise to house Mrs. Hughes if she is ill speaks to the value placed on good servants.  How many of us could say the same for our own bosses in this day and age?  It shows they think of Mrs. Hughes as family, or at least a friend, regardless of how much distance she likes to keep between Upstairs and herself.

What has gone on between Thomas and O’Brien?  At the end of last season they were thick as thieves, tormenting everyone with the Ouija Board.  She seemed almost like a mother figure to him and now they are mortal enemies.  Is it because Sarah is trying to turn over a new leaf?  Maybe Thomas is frustrated with his life and is lashing out?  It would be interesting to know more about his life as a child and growing up, he seems so hurt by the world and his poor behavior is becoming a downward spiral.  His game was nicely played though, I do admire his cunning!

Mary’s demand of loyalty from Matthew is completely understandable.  He seems to forget this is his family now too and part of what he fell in love with when he met Mary is her love of tradition and her need to run the estate.  Much like Bates, Matthew can border on too honourable, making his life challenging to say the least.  Isn’t it interesting there was suddenly a letter from Mr. Swire letting Matthew off the hook?  One must wonder if Mary made it up and caught a lucky break when she found out Lavinia did send a letter to her own father.

Poor Ethel, one mistake and her life is ruined.  Thank goodness Isobel is there teaching sewing and cooking, saving women from lives of drudgery and prostitution.  Can we imagine time when sewing and cooking wasn’t drudgery?

Anna is continuing her search for the truth in the death of Vera Bates and visits Vera’s friend Mrs. Bartlett who seems quite a nasty woman but does provide some important clues one might need a chemistry or alchemy background to fathom.  We see quite a difference between Mrs. Bartlett and Anna.  Mrs. Bartlett, and women in her position would have to make do with what they earned and could afford.  Anna is in the fortunate position to receive hand-me-downs from Lady Mary and the other girls and we find her much better dressed than women who might be in similar positions but without access to wardrobes that change with every season.  Meanwhile, Mr. Bates is on the wrong side of his cellmate and finds himself scrambling to find the contraband Craig has hidden - A fellow inmate tipped Bates off  and a convenient hiding spot is found when the guards burst in to inspect the cell.  Once again I ask, how does this man get better looking in prison?

The line of the episode unsurprisingly goes to Violet when she decrees a house needs only good manners and some decent conversation.  Truer words have never been spoken!

One of the very special things about Downton Abbey is the sound quality.  I noticed it once again during Robert and Anthony’s conversation in the dining room.  I always feel like I am right there in the scene when I can hear fabric moving, breathing, the swirl of wine in a crystal glass.  It’s these little details that set this show apart.

A lovely episode, taking us one step forward in our Downton journey.  I can’t wait to see what happens next week!

Suburban Princess

Arrogance and Etiquette

It’s always uncomfortable being around people who think they are superior to those around them and who use this talent in an effort to try to propel themselves ahead in both the business world and in their private lives. I have recently been presented with questions from readers wanting to know what to do from an etiquette perspective when faced with the following scenarios.

What do you do if someone reneges on a promise? A gentleman’s agreement sealed with a handshake should be a man’s word. When the agreement is arrogantly disregarded, what is the most appropriate action to rectify the situation?

No one is above the law of responsibility. This law basically suggests that we take responsibility for our actions and understand that there are consequences for all of our actions, good or bad. It also suggests that we not take responsibility for matters that are not ours. To move forward from this unpleasantness requires being fully aware of just how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place. Blaming other people or outside circumstances is a cop out and will only make things worse. Oddly enough, it’s not difficult to see where we went astray. The next step is to eliminate the problem by either forgiving and letting it go or simply editing the rogue out of your life. Neither is easy, but both options are viable. Remember, you got yourself into this mess; only you can get yourself out. Hopefully lesson learned.

Discovering the Rosetta Stone – oh no, not again! I Another reader laments they have a friend who is going through a mental and emotional growth spurt and is of the opinion that she is going through this unlike anyone else before her and has discovered the secret to happiness. How can one refrain from snapping back at this person after enduring months of this arrogant preaching and remain civil?

At some point along our unique path, we all have ah ha moments. I would venture to say that there is little if anything that the rest of the world will gain from many of them. They are personal discoveries and can be quite illuminating to the person making the discovery for the first time, but may already be very well understood by those around them as they’ve had such an ah ha moment themselves. The tone of delivery is what can be most annoying, and having compassion for the person and for ourselves is one answer. Being supportive is the kindly thing to do, but sharing that this is similar to an experience you’ve had can usually temper the delivery. There are some people who simply are so passionate about their personal discovery that they take this on as their life’s work. Try to avoid engaging them in discussions on this topic and you will soon see that they are otherwise quite delightful – usually.

Woe is me – the world is a plot against me. A third reader shared that he has a friend who is in a terribly deep rut of self-pity and no amount of reasoning or sound advice seems to help. How can someone remain supportive and patient when this person takes on the role of victim with such determination?

People who host pity parties for themselves have usually not been reasoned into this state of mind; but rather have formed it as a defense against their total lack of self-confidence. Unfortunately there is very little that you can do other than edit them out of your life, lest you risk becoming an enabler. Some people need more time to mature mentally and emotionally than others, just as some mature physically at different rates. A great shock to the system will likely be the solution to this boorish behaviour, but don’t take it upon yourself to think you have the solution. Self-discovery is the solution. I know a couple of people like this and I have come to the conclusion that remaining civil, yet disengaged is the best route to take when handling such situations. In business, this type of person is quickly weeded out and often learns his lessons through the school of hard knocks.

In all three of these scenarios, what is important is to avoid confrontation, especially in public, and to allow such people to grow at their own pace, to follow their own path, and to learn to make the right choices in their own time. As a friend of mine once told me, “Stop trying to fix everything”! It was a difficult skill to learn because by my very nature, I don’t like to see others suffering. However, the mark of a true gentleperson is their ability to discern when it is appropriate to engage and when it is better to mind one’s own business.  

Downton Deliberations - Season 3 Episode 1

In this inaugural Downton Abbey blog for Season 3, I have been joined by The Suburban Princess. Here we will share our thoughts on each episode. I hope you will indulge us and feel free to share your views in the comments section below. EG

This episode begins with everyone preparing for the big wedding and Cora worrying about Mr. Travis, the minister – it seems he has done all the work while the bishop gets the glory.  The village minister, as we know from last season, falls under the Earl’s riding as it were, and as much as he would answer to them, they also are pandering to the church and its reputation.  The church was such a part of village life, one wouldn’t dare offend the minister if one was not in a position to make his life miserable.

There is worry of Sybil having ‘run off with the chauffer’ and while she feels caught between her family and her husband, the women want to make sure Tom behaves properly, and Violet is determined to make sure he does.  It’s interesting that Isobel is in a position, and chooses to side with Tom.  She knows and respects the middle class very well as she has been a part of that culture her whole life.  Isobel has always thought the Crawleys are a bit ridiculous, hasn’t she?  

The men are tense with Tom, but the women seem to rally to make him feel welcome.  He proves himself powerless when it comes to Crawley women, going along, albeit reluctantly, with Violet’s plan to have him dressed properly, realizing his survival at Downton depends on the women being on his side.  His discomfort is palpable as he tries to straddle both his upstairs and downstairs lives.  Carson all but shuns him and Thomas refuses to dress him.  In the end it’s Mary who promises to know and value Tom, while Violet comforts him, telling him he wasn’t the first drunk in that dining room.  It comes out that Violet sent Tom and Sybil the money to come to the wedding, stating she wanted Sybil ‘and her husband’ there.  It’s moments like this we see the grandmother in Violet and not just the cane stomping matriarch.  Ultimately though, it’s when an old flame of Sybil’s speaks out against Tom, the men all together stand up in his defense.  Robert doesn’t like the situation but he is softening and realizes Tom must be considered one of them now.  In the natural end Matthew and Tom team up, because when all is said and done, love trumps caste.

Bates is languishing in prison, which by the looks of him, is more of a restorative spa.  How does one look tanned and more handsome while serving a life sentence for murder?  No wonder Anna is so determined to get him released.  Bates doesn’t believe there is hope, but Anna won’t give up and vows to contact everyone in Vera’s recently discovered address book.  Her undying devotion to his innocence is what is keeping him going, along with the prospect of hearing about her adventures in France.  I would like to meet Anna’s mother, she seems to dish out some very good advice and Anna tries to make sure Bates keeps on the nicer side of his new cell mate, quoting her mother ‘never make an enemy by accident’.

Mrs. Levinson swans in and makes her mark before anyone has had a chance to take a breath, seeming like a caricature of herself.  Would someone of her place really come to Downton and speak so candidly while sitting in judgment of their traditions?  Regardless of what she thinks, her American ways or her fresh ideas, it’s surprising her manners don’t include refraining from insults while in someone else’s home.

The women of Downton are pillars for the men, Anna keeps Bates’ spirits up, as well as comforting Mary and being a confidant for Edith, Cora assures Robert she will cope and everyone will be just fine after he loses all of their money, Edith is putting a smile on Sir Anthony’s face, Mary has Matthew backed into a corner over Mr. Swire’s estate, and Violet simply runs the show from whichever chair she has chosen.  

All in all a wonderful start to the new season full of hustle and bustle, tense relationships, laughs, tears, and gasps!

Suburban Princess

In this first episode of the third season, with the men, we have major explosive dynamics between both the generations and the classes. Lord Grantham must begrudgingly become a peer with Tom, his former chauffeur. Not only is he of another class entirely, but also he is Irish, to boot! This resolution is accomplished by an intervention by Matthew Crawley, who himself was somewhat of an outsider and of a younger generation.  Tom’s cold shoulder reception from Carson illustrates the resentment crossing class lines can evoke. The white water, as one would expect, quiets down once the new pecking order is established, understood, and accepted. Perhaps the message here is that nothing stands in the way of progress, especially artificial class barriers where a draconian lifestyle based in excess will eventually crumble like the greed based fortune it is based upon. Civility allows the true gentleman to emerge.

Matthew asking Tom to be his best man symbolizes the solidarity theme of the episode, which is further brought into question when Matthew is seemingly set to betray the Granthams in a complicated financial upheaval. It is Tom who intervenes this time and convinces Matthew to reconsider his rigidity. One might take away from this that we all face survival on one level or another no matter what our circumstances or perceived station in society. The voice of reason prevails however, and putting our own pre-conceived self-interest aside, a more civil reasoned conclusion may be reached. 

Meanwhile, the evil Thomas gets his ears pinned by Carson when referring to Mr. Bates as a murderer. Thomas, always looking to upset any apple cart handy, goads Daisy into a work slowdown, highly irregular and perhaps a harbinger of things to come. The age-old defense of fighting fire with fire may well be Thomas’ downfall. Struggling with living a lie, he is determined that his unhappiness will be suffered upon others – a surefire path to destruction. 

But as with all great men, they are supported by great women. Anna is always bolstering Bates as he steadfastly holds onto his innocence; and Cora is a pillar of strength for Robert, who becomes a broken man, having lost both his and Cora’s fortunes. Both men are emotionally transparent to us only as a result of their vulnerability to the women whom they love. 

How are you enjoying the start to the new season? Please share your observations in the comment area below. 

Etiquette Guy

A Bid for Civility

Auctions have been a part of my life for 35 years. After graduating in 1973 from Colorado College as an art history major, I landed a job at Sotheby’s in New York where they needed a preppy proofreader. What a great four years I spent there, learning enough about the art world to launch my own successful fine art and appraisal company. One of my jobs there was being an auctioneer, and I loved it.

Auction rooms are made up of different groups of people. There is the auction house staff, which includes the auctioneer (who is the person who has control of the entire process), various record keepers, telephone bid staff, and people who physically move the items which are being offered for sale. There are also the buyers, a varied group made up of dealers (who may be buying for their own shops or inventory, or who may be buying as agent for a private individual, institution or museum.

Auctions are very fast paced and there are certain protocols and etiquette which can make an auction run smoothly and make the experience of the buyer more enjoyable. I know for myself, that when I am bidding on an item, my adrenalin gets pumped up – the force is with me. My advice to anyone who is planning to buy something at the auction is to be sure to carefully examine the item before the sale. Ask any questions pertaining to condition, provenance, and possible reserve price and estimated value of the auction house staff. In other words, know what you’re bidding on.

In many auction rooms, you will be required to register for a ‘number’ - a bidding card identifying you to the auctioneer when bidding. You may want to get there early so as to ensure getting a seat for the sale, which can last many hours. At Tim Isaac’s Auctions here in Saint John, you can call ahead to reserve a seat if you are known to him. I always like sitting towards the front of the room for most of the sale, but often times move to the back and stand up while bidding. When bidding, make sure you hold the number clearly for the auctioneer to see. Auctioneers are not psychics and blinks and nods can often go unnoticed and your bid may be missed. Do not talk in a loud voice during the auction and do not have your cell phone turned onto ‘ring’. If you must take a call, leave the room or speak in a hushed voice as this is distracting and disrespectful to others.

Remember too that the auctioneer has the final say as to who the successful bidder is. Any disputes should be handled immediately. If you cannot attend the sale, you have a few options. You can ask a friend to bid on your behalf in person; you can leave a bid with the auction house staff; or you can arrange to have the ‘phone bank’ call you just before your item is coming up for sale allowing you to bid over the phone. Telephone bidding is a great way of handling this if you can arrange it. Be sure you have a clear idea how much you are willing to spend beforehand and bid quickly, because if you hesitate too long, the item may well be sold to someone else.

There is most likely a conspicuous sign outlining the conditions of sale posted in the auction room or printed in your catalog. Familiarize yourself with these as they vary from one auction house to another. For example, at Tim Isaac’s sales there is no buyer’s premium. At most other houses there is one, meaning that the final sale price is greater than the actual hammer price by sometimes as much as 20%.

If you are buying a ‘box’ lot - a variety of items sold together in a box, be sure to examine the contents carefully, and do not repack the boxes to your liking. Others may well have examined the contents of the boxes and are placing bids according to what they saw. Unfortunately it happens all too frequently that someone will take a certain item they want and bury in under a bunch of linens, trying to hide it so they can buy it for a song. This is like shoplifting and is in fact stealing from the consignor of the property.

The best way for the bidder to learn about auctions, auction rules, and auction etiquette is to attend auctions regularly. Feel free to ask seasoned auction goers about bidding, removing of property you buy and any other myriad of questions which can arise. The auction house staff is also well versed in all aspects of the auction and is most helpful. Going to your first auction can be an intimidating experience. Go with a friend; plan to go to the exhibition ahead of time and stay for as much as you have time for. You will learn to enjoy these outings and may even pick up a bargain or two along the way.

Building a Gentleman's Wardrobe - Part 1

Building a wardrobe that spells success is an obvious challenge for most men today. The subtle art of making a good first impression depends to a large degree on how one dresses. Why this sartorial skill has all but disappeared is puzzling. Let’s have a look at where to begin building a reliable and affordable wardrobe that you can feel confident represents you and your company in a professional light.

A professional businessman should wear a dark suit, either gray or navy blue. Black is a color to avoid, as it is too severe and usually reserved for formal occasions or funerals. Brown is a color best worn in the country and is considered informal. Off the rack suits generally hang sloppily and need altering. One can use a local drycleaner for some basic alterations, but nothing beats the eye of a seasoned tailor to know how to make a suit fit properly. Buying a suit at a high end men’s shop will cost you a bit more, but is well worth the investment. The ultimate suit is made-to-order and can cost upwards of $2000, again worth every penny. Nothing states confidence or feels better than a beautifully tailored suit. A top end men’s haberdasher generally has much finer materials to choose from and is a relationship that will pay you untold dividends.

Note: a top tailor will ask what you normally carry in your pockets and fit you accordingly. No one should have bulging or jingling pockets.

A clean fresh white shirt is appropriate for any businessperson. Dressing for success leads to success. Shirts should be cotton, not polyester and should have a pointed collar, either button down or plain. To decide which is best for you is trial and error. One’s personal style depends to a large extent on one’s body style and facial shape and on one’s taste. If you don’t claim a particular style yet, rely on the advice of a style and image consultant. A good clothier can also come to your rescue! I avoid colored shirts for formal business situations as they are less formal