The Etiquette of Friendship

One of life's greatest pleasures for me is traveling. I am really in my element when I see new places and meet new people. I have recently returned from a wonderful trip to England as many of you know. And now, as I type this, I am on Air Canada winging my way south to the magical island of Mustique for a ten day vacation. I admit, I am one very lucky guy. Given the fact that twelve years has passed since my last overseas trip however, I am not feeling even a twinge of guilt. And as it turns out, not so surprisingly, that one of the common denominators which ties these two delightful getaways together is friendship.

On my trip to England I was hosted by one of my most trusted colleagues and closest friends, Britain's youngest etiquette expert, William Hanson. Although we had developed a friendship over the years through correspondence, the opportunity to actually meet face to face can only be chalked up to serendipity. Friends are like that though. We meet some people with whom we form lifetime friendships quite by chance. In fact, most close relationships more than likely form that way.

On my current trip, in contrast, I am be being hosted by a friend of 40 years, but someone whom I haven't seen in over a dozen years. But somehow over the years though, we have remained as close as many brothers and sisters might have done. We have kept up with most, although not all of the major events in one another's lives; and we have acknowledged most birthdays and Christmases, important family milestones, such as births, marriages and deaths. But more importantly we have held each other in our hearts. We have thought of each other often, occasionally picking up the phone or firing off an email just to stay in touch and to say I love you.

Our lives all take paths which veer off in directions which we could never have imagined. Our interests change. Our significant relationships change. We raise families, deal with health issues, both our own and those of loved ones. Yet somehow through the tangled web we weave and call our life, we somehow magically maintain a few very special friendships. We all know who these people are. We know how much they mean to us. Sometimes we might even know how much we mean to them. But without them we both know our lives would simply not be the same.

Personally, I am blessed with a number of great friends. Those whom I am fortunate enough to see only once every few years, if I'm lucky, hold a different place in my mind than those with whom I spend most of my time. There is something different about seeing people everyday. We get used to them and sometimes we might even take our friendships for granted. This shocking thought came to mind recently and I began wondering what is going on here? Do I really not appreciate my everyday friends as much as I might were I not so fortunate to see them all the time? There is the old expression "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Is this what is really happening to me?

The answer for me and for many of you will more than likely be a resounding yes. This sudden awareness sort of woke me up to the whole notion of friendship and how grateful I am to have my friends.

As I began thinking about who my friends really are, where they are, and what they are doing with their busy lives, I realized that that list is really, really important to me. I am not revealing some hidden secret here. We all know exactly what I'm talking about. But like the sudden reminder I just received quite unexpectedly, I hope you are reminded of this in the same way.

Get out that old address book. With any luck, you've jotted down most people in it in pencil, so you can keep current with their addresses and telephone numbers, cell phones, and so forth. As you go through the dog-eared pages, you too will be flooded with a whole host of memories. I hope most of them are great ones. Some will be sad. People inevitably move out of our lives for a variety of reasons. Some even die. But for those who bring a smile to your face and a warm feeling into your heart, experience the real sense of gratitude for having these people in your lives. This is your happiness well. Drink from it often. Never let them go. Reconnect with them, even if it's a quick note or a phone call. And for heaven's sake, tell them you love them and that you are thinking about them. Happiness is a two way street. I hope my friends know who they are. But just in case, I'm going to make sure they do. I encourage you to do the same.

Tripping on an Exaggerated Ego

I would like to discuss the etiquette problems that arise when people show disrespect for one another for the purposes of increasing their control and self importance. Good manners and civility fly right out the door when certain egos become involved in insisting on their definition of what is correct for another person. This happens often with married couples and even with close friends. I received the following letter from an old friend of mine which illustrates this point.

Hi Jay,

Maybe you can do a column about people who are always correcting others, especially in public. I have one friend, when if I pronounce something wrong, she jumps in, without a second’s hesitation and corrects me. Or if one little fact is wrong, or if something isn't heard right she chimes right in. I am starting to really dislike her, and get nervous being around people like this. She has always had a hard time holding a job, and this is probably why. Correcting everyone at work is annoying, no doubt. I have another close friend who also does this. When Sarah Palin mispronounced someone’s name in the VP debate, Biden was most gracious and let it slide. What’s wrong with people today?

Gratefully, your friend.

Dear Friend,

I think we can all relate to this one without stretching the imagination too far. This annoying habit and its corollaries revolves around the issues of control. These follow nicely on the heals of last week’s column where I dealt with the troubles that can arise within the arenas of blame and guilt. Good manners and respect for one another show up everywhere. From an etiquette perspective, the really basic rule which is broken any time someone corrects another in public is this: Under no circumstances do you want to diminish the character of another human being in front of other people. This does not mean that a healthy debate is wrong; it means that this cannot be intended as a slight to one person as a means to elevate yourself. This is based on common sense, a quality sadly lacking far too often in today’s ‘civilized’ society. My advice to you is to nail her on it the next time she does it. It will undoubtedly catch her by surprise and she may learn a valuable lesson. She may have had no clue what she actually doing. Just be sure to tell her in private!

Good luck, Jay

Do any of you know people who make the practice of correcting others their preferred way of communication? For me, aside from recognizing how hurtful this can be for those to whom such communication is directed, it alerts me to a general disregard for other people’s opinions. This can be accompanied by impatience, frustration and inflexibility. In the business world, such relationships would wither rather quickly. In social situations, it can prove tiresome. However, there is no denying the spark of true enthusiasm exhibited. Being excited about life and all it holds is a virtue. But this must not take on the persona of always needing to be right at the expense of others.

When I look at my own life, and think of the times I’ve said something I regretted later, it makes me wonder two things. First of all, is this the way I would have expressed myself if I was on a first date, trying to impress someone? Secondly, is this the way I would want to express myself if I were speaking to someone with one week left to live? These are sobering thoughts to which we can all relate. The question arises, why is it that we choose the former way of communicating to the latter? And yes, it is a conscious choice that we all can make every moment of every day.

It is to this part inside of each of us that I direct these musings. If we are to live civilly and genuinely and have respect for ourselves and others, then we must slow down and think about what we are saying and doing. Although unbridled enthusiasm is what created the free world as we know it, there is a need for temperance. And through right speech we avoid being hurtful. Each of us knows that once the words are out of our mouths, the pain that a nasty or uncalled for remark can inflict is extraordinarily difficult to heal.

Before I blurt out “No”, or some equally deflating remark the next time someone speaks, I hope I will begin to learn to wait for a couple of seconds. I hope that I can learn to wait until the other person is finished completing and explaining their idea before I make up my mind whether or not I agree with what is being said. Who knows, I may just learn something. It’s impossible to comprehend what another is saying when my ego is so busy mounting its defense (most often against nothing at all). And my wish for today and for tomorrow is that we all try doing this. Practice civility, it’s contagious!