The Etiquette Minute: Uninvited Guests

Artichokes, Asparagus and French Fries

The mind is a curious place; well my mind is to me anyway. I awoke one bright clear morning and thought, ‘artichokes’! I must write about these mysterious culinary delights which are challenging, to say the least, to many people. This instigated a discussion in my head about another finger food column. This is a time of year when we do tend to eat more with our hands than usual, at least here in the Western world. I make that distinction because I just watched an episode where Chef Michael Smith was in Jordan, where a good bit of food is eaten with one’s hands, as it is in other parts of the world as well. Why not explore a few of the foods that can certainly be enjoyed using our fingers rather than the knife and fork?

Artichokes, whose use as a food originated most likely in Northern Africa, is a cousin of the Thistle, a trait easy to surmise once you discover the ‘choke’. This vegetable must be eaten by hand. The leaves are peeled gently from the main bulb gently but firmly and then the flesh is scraped off with your teeth. This is one food that requires either one on one training or a detailed ‘how to’ video to be able to eat it successfully. I maintain that it is well worth the trouble though. It has a wonderful sweet earthy flavor which is great with Hollandaise sauce or melted lemon butter when served hot; it also tastes delicious with mayonnaise laced with curry or garlic or a fragrant vinaigrette when served cold. The heart, which is identical in taste to the leaves is the real meat of the flower bud and the ultimate reward after the attenuated time required to reach it. Some less than patient diners dive right into the heart bypassing the delectable petals altogether. This is akin to only eating the tail of a lobster. Each to his own. No matter what your decision, artichokes are very versatile and are a great addition to many meals as either a main

vegetable or served as a starter.

Asparagus, a wonderful vegetable from the Lily family, comes to us from Eurasia and is grown all over the world. This is another food which according to proper etiquette is correctly eaten by hand, whether it is served hot or cold. The same accompaniments used for artichokes work very nicely with asparagus too. The spears are best when steamed or grilled. They can be boiled, but then so can anything. Much of the flavor and nutrients are lost in that process. Although not often served at formal dinners, eating this vegetable with your hands is proper at any occasion anywhere in the world.

French fried potatoes are an all time finger food favorite. These tuberous vegetables have their origins in Peru. What we eat today descends from a subspecies from Chile. The Sweet Potato and the Yam are also immensely popular additions to this finger food family. While the Sweet Potato originated in equatorial South America, it is distantly related to the potato. However, the Yam comes to us from Africa and is no relation to either plant at all, even though similar looking and tasting. Cut into long rectangular spears, these nutritious vegetables are usually denatured by deep fat frying, rendering them less wholesome but addictively delicious. No matter how they are cooked or served, they are customarily eaten with a fork and knife; however, I think they somehow seem to taste better when eaten by hand.

The rule of thumb for eating certain foods with your hands is usually dictated by a lack of cutlery with which to eat a particular item. No knife, fork or spoon is a good indication that using your fingers is positively appropriate. No one is expected to eat a sandwich or a Burrito with utensils, nor olives, nor nuts nor most picnic foods. After all, fried chicken and barbecued ribs simply taste better when eaten by hand. I’m not exactly sure how the various lists were assembled as to what is eaten by hand and what with a fork. Suffice it to say, that when in doubt, begin with a fork and knife and then follow your host’s lead. At picnics, my vote is forks for salads only. At formal dinners, don’t taunt your guests with questionable foods - do I or don’t I eat this with a fork?

This brings me back to artichokes. Of course, here’s a food you start eating with your hands and finish up using a fork and knife. It may in fact be unique in that regard. Don’t let them scare you off though. Find a pal who enjoys them and ask them for a lesson. They’re fun, delicious and nutritious. And, oh yes, they’re a food that deserves some respect. Making the mistake of eating the choke itself will teach you that lesson in a big hurry. In my book, finger food rules......as often as possible!

CHCT Etiquette Guy Episode 3

Another episode from the my local show on CHCT:

To ‘B’ or not to ‘B’

A reader recently asked me an interesting question. He wants to know if he invites someone to a dinner party at his house and the guest arrives with a bottle of wine, is he obliged to open the bottle and share it with the other guests or can he simply accept it with thanks and put it in his wine rack. At first glance, this seems like a pretty straight forward “yes” or “no” question. However, my experience in New Brunswick allows for several different answers. According to traditional etiquette rules, that bottle would be considered a gift. A gift given by definition has no strings attached. It is up to the host or hostess to share it now or save it for another occasion. This would be appropriate especially when going to someone’s house where one is not a frequent guest.

There are many groups of friends who gather to enjoy a meal together with some frequency, perhaps even weekly. In those situations, exchanging hostess gifts becomes unwieldy. It would also be presumptuous in most cases to expect the host to provide all of the wine and other beverages for his guests on a regular basis. Guests generally bring whatever they are planning to drink, whether it is spirits, wine or diet Pepsi. Beware of the guest who brings cheap (or even worse, homemade) wine and then drinks the host’s good stuff. If it is a special occasion such as a birthday, anniversary or major holiday, guests could bring not only what they want to drink. But also a special gift is appropriate to show thanks to the host for all the hard work which goes into preparing for such a party. Some hosts have already selected a wine(s) to go with the meal in which case they expect you to drink their selection(s). Some people, me included, have very specific and/or simple tastes for wine. In many instances I bring what I want to drink and that is perfectly acceptable.

Often times, guests will bring a pot luck dish. In these cases, I find it always beneficial to know what each guest will be bringing to the pot luck. If not, you run the risk of having too many desserts or too many salads, or none at all. As host, I find it makes the most sense to be responsible for the main entrée. That takes the burden off of any of the guests. At the same time, by having them bring side dishes of vegetables and appetizers or salads and desserts, it relieves the host of slaving away in the kitchen all day long.

There are several gifts which are wonderful to give a host from an appreciative guest. A small box of specially selected chocolates, beautiful bath soaps, a beautiful arrangement of flowers, a special bottle of wine, an unusual kitchen gadget or bar accessories are all excellent choices.

Beware, however, that there are a couple of things that your hostess will not want to see coming through the door. Flowers which will require finding a vase interrupt the whole show, no matter how beautiful, because instead of putting coats away, and hosting, you're stuck trying to house the flowers as the person who brought them will want you to show them off and is "anxious" for the reveal. When people show up with little gifts, they can be placed aside and no one will ever question them. The minute someone brings an unwieldy bunch of flowers, they can become the "white elephant in the room" and will quite often upstage other gifts or people who didn't bring any. This is especially true of long stemmed flowers such as roses or lilies. Finding a suitable vase may be impossible and then cutting the stems under water and attractively arranging those takes up valuable kitchen space and time. Either have them arranged at home or by a florist ahead of time or bring them in a vase.

Don’t bring any dishes of food to be served either before or during the meal unless it has been requested by or discussed with the host ahead of time. I remember at one dinner party, a guest arrived with a beautiful casserole. The problem was that the oven was full. As a result, dinner had to be delayed. This seemingly thoughtful gesture actually threw a bit of a monkey wrench into the works.

I recall another time when a guest was excited about being invited to someone’s new home for a party. She arrived with a bottle of champagne wanting to toast the new house. The host accepted the bottle with thanks and happily put it in the fridge for later use. The guest just didn’t realize it wasn’t going to be used until a later date. The lesson here is to let your host know you are bringing a bottle specifically to toast the new house.

And finally, another reader wrote asking what to do when an invitation asks for “best wishes only”. She tells me that she is the only one who shows up ‘empty-handed’. My comment to her is that she is the only one with proper etiquette. People ask for guests to not bring gifts or even cards for a variety of reasons which may be very personal and none of our business. This is especially true when having a party for an elderly person. It is equally true when a real cross section of guests will be invited, many of whom may not be in a financial position to buy a nice gift. It is out of respect to your host and hostess to follow the wishes on the invitation. After all, that’s what good manners and proper etiquette demonstrate – respect for your host, for yourself and for your fellow guests.

On Eating Lobster and Other Finger Food

Lobster is as local as any seafood for New Brunswick that you can get. I have been told of the glory days of Katy’s Cove in St. Andrews where lobster salad was served as a delectable lunch. Private cocktail parties for the local swells would boast lovely chunks of lobster tail in overflowing silver bowls with curried mayonnaise for dipping. Elegantly laid dinner tables with fine linens, silver flatware and crystal champagne flutes would herald a special feast of these feisty bottom-feeding crustaceans.

On the other hand, there were the local hard working people and fishermen. To these folks, lobster was considered “poverty food”. A woman told me that, when she was a child, her lunch box would usually have a lobster sandwich in it. She would try to trade it to someone who had a peanut butter sandwich. Lobster was so plentiful that if you had nothing else to eat, you could go right down to the beach and pick some up. My, how times have changed!

When I was a young boy, I was lucky enough to have had lobster from time to time, especially in the summer months. As a family, my mother, father, sister and I would sit around a low Chinese rectangular table on generous cushions. We would each have a lobster, shell crackers, picks, seafood forks and a large wooden “graveyard” bowl for discarding the used shells. At an early age I learned how to pick a lobster, sucking the meat out of the small legs, getting the delectable knuckle meat out of the spiny claws, and of course saving the tail until the end – the real treat! Served with melted lemon butter, the whole affair was quite messy requiring extra paper napkins, but it was one of the most fun dinners I remember as a young boy. It was right up there with beef fondue, which was also a great treat. However, we got to eat the lobster for the most part with our hands, which made it all the more delicious, so I thought.

Then one evening, I saw the dining room table beautifully set for ten people complete with silver candelabra, champagne flutes, etc. I asked my mother what they were having for dinner and she told me ‘lobster’. Wow, I thought, how is this going to work? Well, as luck would have it, one of the dinner guests was a very distinguished highly decorated Air Force General. He had survived a fiery crash and was left with very limited use of his hands. He asked me if I would come to the table with him to pick his lobster for him. I was so honored and thrilled, at the age of 12, to oblige. I even got a $5 tip from him, which in those days would buy me several toy cars. Anyway, during the process of picking his lobster for him, I watched the rest of the guests attack their lobsters, gobbling down the delectable morsels using seafood forks and a dinner fork and knife when it came to the prize tail. There were finger bowls brought out with dessert, which were really needed before dessert (and used, I might add). In the end, the graveyards were filled and whisked off to the kitchen.

In stark contrast, when I arrived in St. Andrews, one of the first dinners I had was a real lobster feast. There were a number of people I had never met before and as I watched them eat their lobsters, I could not believe when one of them reached into the graveyard and pulled the body of the lobster I had recently discarded as finished. Well, this body was opened up and an amazing amount of tender morsels were picked out. And don’t forget the red roe and green ‘tamale’. By the time they were finished, all of the bodies had been picked clean, save the lungs of the creature. I was amazed, and still am to this day, at how people up here really go to town on lobster – and it is eaten with their hands, which as I said before, makes it all the more delicious. And copious amount of paper towels – no finger bowls.

Which brings me to today’s etiquette question. What foods can you eat with your hands in a more formal dining situation? As a general rule, if you are out and there is no cutlery put out, such as a picnic of fried chicken or crabs, burgers, fries and hot dogs, then everything is fair game to be eaten with your hands. In some countries, forks and knives are never used. However, in most cases you will have cutlery. So what’s ok to eat with your fingers? Asparagus is one for sure. Although the most fastidious people will use a fork and knife, I love using my fingers.

I had a friend who used to grow 1000 acres of asparagus for Jolly Green Giant. During the short harvesting season, we would go down to his farm and at dinner we would be served an enormous platter of asparagus a foot high right in the middle of the dining room table. Additionally there were bowls of delicious lemony hollandaise sauce and we all delighted in dipping the freshly steamed spears into the sauce and then dropping them into our mouths. Other foods, in short, which are perfectly ok to eat with your fingers are Artichokes (impossible to eat otherwise), crisp bacon, shrimp cocktail, French fries (if served with a steak, use a fork), olives, pastries (breakfast), and raw veggies with dip. Otherwise, use cutlery as provided and you will not be in fear of making a faux pas.