Say Thank-You, Often

A couple years have come and gone since my first column on etiquette was published. I am very grateful for all the positive feedback I’ve received as well as ideas for additional columns. So I am taking this opportunity to say thank-you and to discuss the whole etiquette behind saying thank-you. The very first thank-you notes I wrote were for Christmas presents. My mother, sister and I would sit down the day after Christmas with our boxes of note cards and lists of gifts and who had given them to us. Everyone who had given us a gift received a hand written thank-you note. This at first seemed like a daunting task for an eight year old, but as the years rolled by it became a routine which we looked forward to. Learning to compose a note that had some personality was the challenge. Penmanship was also important. Cards with mistakes had to be discarded and begun anew. In this day and age where actual hand writing has unfortunately taken a backseat to the computer, penmanship is atrocious. Teachers take note! Even students in high school can barely write their names in a legible way. Nonetheless, I have received numerous heartfelt notes from students which meant a great deal to me. And because they were so personal, I know the gratitude that the students felt was sincere.

There are many times when writing a note of thanks is important. There also is a certain feeling of warmth that one gets from writing them. You should send a thank-you note when you are given a gift, sent flowers, asked to lunch or dinner, invited for a weekend, asked to a concert or performance of some kind or when someone does something nice or helpful in a business or social situation such as an introduction or letter of reference. I write far too few thank-you notes. However, I do make a point of phoning whenever I am invited to dinner. People appreciate knowing that the effort that went into cooking dinner and the camaraderie of the time spent together with friends was genuinely enjoyed.

There is an excellent book which was recently published by a colleague of mine entitled 101 Ways to Say Thank You. In it Kelly Browne gives excellent examples of what to actually say in such notes. It has great tips on buying stationary, superlative words to use in a note and many helpful suggestions.

Imagine the delight in receiving a thank-you note. I find that it strengthens friendships and relationships, especially in business situations which are just budding. Whenever someone extends themselves to celebrate a happy occasion, lend a helping hand, make an introduction for you or acknowledge a difficult time you may be experiencing, take the time to write a note. It takes only a few minutes. In some cases notes with “Thank-you” can be purchased at a stationary store or in the case of St. Andrews, at some of the local gift shops. Some of the highest quality stationary is sold by Crane & Company in the US. They have an excellent website and have a wide variety of cards and stationary which can be personally engraved if required. You can buy note cards at the Dollar Store as well, so there’s not a lot of expense required to accomplish this mission.

In business situations, thank-you notes can be sent via email. It is a matter of discretion however and a hand written or typed note may serve your purposes better. Whatever you decide, be sure that the note is sincere and includes a reference to the purpose of your meeting. If you are sending a note to an interviewer from whom you want a job, be sure not to send a gift. In most companies as well as in government, there are policies against accepting gifts.

In the case of weddings and the tremendous joy and love and support you receive from friends and family, thank-you notes are essential and absolutely must be hand written. And there is no reason why the bride needs to be the sole writer. The groom should share in that responsibility. Be sure that as you open your presents at showers that someone records the gift and the sender. For wedding presents which arrive in the post, one trick which comes in handy is to cut off the return address from the package and attach it to the gift or gift card. Again be sure you have a list and as each thank-you note is written, check it off the list.

The most important thing to remember is to say thank-you often. There are so many more occasions to verbally express your gratitude to another person than there will be reasons for a hand written note. Use the phone if you want to. Speak directly to the person to whom you are grateful. I know of no one who says thank-you too often. Say it with a smile on your face and make direct eye contact. This will go a long way to show the respect you have for others and for yourself.

Wedding Invitations and Replies

An invitation to a wedding is one of the most personal invitations we receive. In most cases a lot of care has gone into the design and wording. In this day and age there are so many endless variations on family structure that it can be very confusing to know exactly how to address certain situations. Take for example a blended family where one or both of the parents of the bride or groom are divorced or widowed. Or what about a child who perhaps is given up for adoption at birth, is reared by an adoptive mother or father, and the birth parent appears on the scene when the child is about to marry. These are highly sensitive situations which must be handled with the utmost discretion and diplomacy. I receive questions almost daily about these difficult and awkward scenarios and prefer to deal with them privately – which I am more than prepared to do for the readers of this column.

Today let’s focus on a ‘traditional’ family where the bride’s parents will host the wedding, the groom’s parents will host the rehearsal dinner, and the Maid of Honor or bridesmaids will host the bridal shower. The groomsmen are off the hook thus far except for the bachelors’ party but in my personal experience, more often than not, proper etiquette and decorum is circumvented at such occasions (including bachelorette parties) so we’ll leave them alone for now.

The formality of the wedding usually dictates what sort of wedding invitation one sends. For large formal weddings of over 100 people, an engraved or specially designed and printed invitation is very suitable. The invitation states the basic information: who the brides parents are, who the bride and groom are, date, time, location and an RSVP contact. There is no mention of gifts on any invitation – ever. Often times, there is a reply card and envelope inserted into the invitation. These can be used for RSVPs. In this case, you generally reply with your name and name of your guest, if one is invited. If no guest is invited do not indicate you will be bringing one. Uninvited guests are never welcome. In the case of a reception following the wedding ceremony, the location is indicated on the card. If there is a dinner, a check off box for choice of entrée may well be included. Here is a good place to indicate any food allergies – not preferences, but real allergies.

Such insert cards come in very handy when not all of the guests from the ceremony will be invited to the reception. The reverse is true as well. Some wedding ceremonies are quite small including only immediate family members, and then a large reception with friends follows. In this instance, the main invitation goes to all the guests of the larger event and the insert card would be for those guests being included at the smaller one. Be sure to respond to any invitations you receive as quickly as possible – preferably within 48 hours. If you are not sure if you’ll attend, you have two choices. One would be to phone the host and explain the situation. Let them know that you will have a firm reply no later than seven days prior to the date of the event. If you are still unsure then, you must regret the invitation. The other choice is to regret the invitation immediately.

Rehearsal dinners are generally hosted by the groom’s parents. These events are a wonderful opportunity to entertain out of town guests and also serves a great time for the families of the bride and groom to get acquainted. For more formal events, the invitation to this is sent out by the host and hostess. Often a reply card is included to select the main course as well as an RSVP. Be prompt in replying to this invitation. The host is customarily charged for the number of dinners ordered and the final head count is often requested by the restaurant or club seven days in advance to insure the proper amount of food is ordered. For informal parties, a telephone call or simple hand written invitation is appropriate.

Bridal showers are generally given by either the Maid of Honor or the bridesmaids. Traditionally this is a party for ladies only. Gifts are of course expected but never mentioned on the invitation. These invitations tend to be less formal and are almost always hand written or delivered by telephone. This is one gathering, either before or during, where gift registries are mentioned.

Today, email seems to be taking over many forms of communication. I receive as many invitations by email as by snail mail. I don’t think wedding invitations should be delivered in this manner, no matter how informal the event. Treat wedding with the respect they deserve.

Many questions abound around the topic of gifts. Brides are sometimes registered at various specialty stores. They have selected specific patterns for their silver and china, both 'everyday' and 'special'. Brides also need certain things. It’s all true. But in no circumstance is it ever okay to include a hint of a gift on or in an invitation. The solution to spreading the word is word of mouth. It takes very little time for word of mouth to spread. Most people invited to a wedding are close friends of either the bride or groom or both and know how to find out what they might like. Call the Best Man or Maid of Honor. Call the mother of the bride or other close family member. Even ask the bride or groom. Just don’t include such information on the invitation. Being invited to anything should not come with a price of admission (unless of course it’s a fund raising event for a non-profit organization). Good manners dictate that a gift is generally in order however, and finding a personal appropriate gift shows not only the deep respect you have for the couple but reflects well on the respect you have for yourself.

To ‘B’ or not to ‘B’

A reader recently asked me an interesting question. He wants to know if he invites someone to a dinner party at his house and the guest arrives with a bottle of wine, is he obliged to open the bottle and share it with the other guests or can he simply accept it with thanks and put it in his wine rack. At first glance, this seems like a pretty straight forward “yes” or “no” question. However, my experience in New Brunswick allows for several different answers. According to traditional etiquette rules, that bottle would be considered a gift. A gift given by definition has no strings attached. It is up to the host or hostess to share it now or save it for another occasion. This would be appropriate especially when going to someone’s house where one is not a frequent guest.

There are many groups of friends who gather to enjoy a meal together with some frequency, perhaps even weekly. In those situations, exchanging hostess gifts becomes unwieldy. It would also be presumptuous in most cases to expect the host to provide all of the wine and other beverages for his guests on a regular basis. Guests generally bring whatever they are planning to drink, whether it is spirits, wine or diet Pepsi. Beware of the guest who brings cheap (or even worse, homemade) wine and then drinks the host’s good stuff. If it is a special occasion such as a birthday, anniversary or major holiday, guests could bring not only what they want to drink. But also a special gift is appropriate to show thanks to the host for all the hard work which goes into preparing for such a party. Some hosts have already selected a wine(s) to go with the meal in which case they expect you to drink their selection(s). Some people, me included, have very specific and/or simple tastes for wine. In many instances I bring what I want to drink and that is perfectly acceptable.

Often times, guests will bring a pot luck dish. In these cases, I find it always beneficial to know what each guest will be bringing to the pot luck. If not, you run the risk of having too many desserts or too many salads, or none at all. As host, I find it makes the most sense to be responsible for the main entrée. That takes the burden off of any of the guests. At the same time, by having them bring side dishes of vegetables and appetizers or salads and desserts, it relieves the host of slaving away in the kitchen all day long.

There are several gifts which are wonderful to give a host from an appreciative guest. A small box of specially selected chocolates, beautiful bath soaps, a beautiful arrangement of flowers, a special bottle of wine, an unusual kitchen gadget or bar accessories are all excellent choices.

Beware, however, that there are a couple of things that your hostess will not want to see coming through the door. Flowers which will require finding a vase interrupt the whole show, no matter how beautiful, because instead of putting coats away, and hosting, you're stuck trying to house the flowers as the person who brought them will want you to show them off and is "anxious" for the reveal. When people show up with little gifts, they can be placed aside and no one will ever question them. The minute someone brings an unwieldy bunch of flowers, they can become the "white elephant in the room" and will quite often upstage other gifts or people who didn't bring any. This is especially true of long stemmed flowers such as roses or lilies. Finding a suitable vase may be impossible and then cutting the stems under water and attractively arranging those takes up valuable kitchen space and time. Either have them arranged at home or by a florist ahead of time or bring them in a vase.

Don’t bring any dishes of food to be served either before or during the meal unless it has been requested by or discussed with the host ahead of time. I remember at one dinner party, a guest arrived with a beautiful casserole. The problem was that the oven was full. As a result, dinner had to be delayed. This seemingly thoughtful gesture actually threw a bit of a monkey wrench into the works.

I recall another time when a guest was excited about being invited to someone’s new home for a party. She arrived with a bottle of champagne wanting to toast the new house. The host accepted the bottle with thanks and happily put it in the fridge for later use. The guest just didn’t realize it wasn’t going to be used until a later date. The lesson here is to let your host know you are bringing a bottle specifically to toast the new house.

And finally, another reader wrote asking what to do when an invitation asks for “best wishes only”. She tells me that she is the only one who shows up ‘empty-handed’. My comment to her is that she is the only one with proper etiquette. People ask for guests to not bring gifts or even cards for a variety of reasons which may be very personal and none of our business. This is especially true when having a party for an elderly person. It is equally true when a real cross section of guests will be invited, many of whom may not be in a financial position to buy a nice gift. It is out of respect to your host and hostess to follow the wishes on the invitation. After all, that’s what good manners and proper etiquette demonstrate – respect for your host, for yourself and for your fellow guests.