The Host Pays the Bill

I’m afraid that the duties of a host have entered murky waters as a result of time constraints and an unfounded need to control situations that are not one’s responsibility. Questions arise with increased regularity about such gatherings as bridal showers, wedding receptions, birthday dinner parties at restaurants, and the like. There is always the protagonist, someone who has decided that they know what’s best for everyone. This “planner” makes elaborate plans for an event they want to “help out” with but without any consultation, and are taken by surprise when people balk at ponying up sums of money to pay for said event.

Let’s be clear. If you are hosting an event, the responsibility for paying the bill lies solely with you. If that is not how the equation works, then you are not the actual host. Perhaps there are several co-hosts, in which case, the planning should be shared, as are all of the responsibilities and certainly the costs associated with the event.

Problems arise when people usurp partial responsibility, usually the fun bits. Nothing is more fun for some people than to spend other people’s money or dictate how they might do so. To make assumptions of this sort is totally unacceptable and justifiably rebuffed. Sadly, money matters can be the source of a lot of ill will and bad feelings. This is not news to anyone, and therefore should be avoided.

Here are a few clear guidelines, which will help avoid awkward moments.

1) Determine who will host the event.

2) Keep the scope of the party within the financial ability of the host or hosts.

3) A gracious host does not ask their guests to pay for anything.

4) If bills are to be shared, this must be made crystal clear on the invitation, i.e. ticket price.

5) I discourage cash bars at private events, but if there must be one, be sure to indicate this on the invitation

6) As host, settle your accounts away from your guests.

Most brides today want their weddings to be as memorable as possible, and in a good way. Destination weddings and large formal weddings come with a hefty price tag for bridesmaids, not to mention the bride’s parents. It is safe to assume that the expenses of a dress, a shower gift, a bachelorette party, time away from work, and any travel expenses fall into the category of unbudgeted expenses. Brides need to be mindful of these expenses when inviting friends and family to participate. Although it is an honor for most bridesmaids, it can be an uncomfortable position in which to place people. Be sensitive to this potential issue and think it through before acting on impulse.

A bad business practice is if there is a business meeting planned for late in the day and the boss suggests that it would be fun to go out for dinner afterwards. If however, he isn’t paying the tab, he is imposing on his employees and has no right to extend this sort of invitation without offering to pay for the dinners of those involved with the meeting. This is a bullying technique employed at the office far too frequently and can be a real source of contention.

With a little imagination and some sensitivity, one can scale events down to fit any budget. People should not be burdened with surprise expenses over which they have little wiggle room. Over the course of a year, such surprises cause angst and mistrust. Give due consideration to all others involved when making plans. Granted, often one person is put in charge of the logistics for an event. This does not in any way make them the host, nor should they make final decisions without consulting the group before confirming arrangements.

After all, an event will likely not pivot on the venue as much as the person or occasion being noted. Think of what is going to be accomplished at a social or business gathering and how exactly a successful, enjoyable event will result from good hosting or organizing. Take everyone involved with planning and participating into consideration and make decisions based on what is practical and financially viable for all concerned.

Flexibility is the Key to Good Wedding Etiquette

As a veteran of the hospitality industry, one of the hats which I enjoy wearing the most is that of wedding coordinator. During a recent weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of assisting at two weddings. One was a small casual affair with under 40 guests, with a minimal size bridal party and was held outdoors at the Treadwell Inn overlooking beautiful Saint Andrews harbor. The reception was also held on the premises and the whole event wrapped up in two hours. Everyone had fun, the weather cooperated and the relaxed atmosphere made for a stress free upbeat celebration.

The other wedding was a more structured formal affair performed at the Catholic church. There was a large wedding party including a flock of three ring bearers and five flower girls. There was also a bell ringer, ushers, groomsmen, a best man, and a maid of honor. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of moving parts to this wedding and making sure everyone was in place at the appropriate time and in the right order was a slight challenge. There is never any guarantee when eight small children are leading the procession will go off without a hitch, but they were all so excited to be dressed up and at a wedding that they performed like seasoned professionals.

These two very different weddings shared the common denominator of the need to be flexible to ensure a successful event. I have always been a big proponent of making contingency plans for any event whether it be a wedding or a dinner party. Planning helps avoid unpleasant surprises. It also gives a reassuring air to the whole event. If everyone involved knows where they need to be, when to be there, and how to get there, most unexpected elements are removed.

Weather is a consideration for outdoor weddings. Be sure to have a back up plan. If you have one, the sun will shine; if not, it will pour with rain. Other important considerations arise in direct proportion to the number of logistical details are involved in the event. For example, don't forget the rings or the boutonnieres. These small yet essential articles need to be on a list along with every other thing you can think of.

At the rehearsal, it is really important to remember such things as the length of the train on the bridal gown and how many times it will need to be adjusted. Be sure that pews are reserved for anyone in the family such as grandparents, aunts and uncles and anyone else whom you wish to have special seating.

Weddings are celebrations and incredible shows mostly because of the importance of the event in the couple's lives. They are also legal affairs and therefore there are certain vows which must be exchanged and papers signed. Outside of these firm parameters, there is a lot of leeway as to the rest of the ceremony and the reception. This day belongs to the bride and groom. They should make most of the decisions regarding the details. This is not the purview of the mothers of the bride or groom, nor is unsolicited input from overbearing sisters appropriate. This is not to say that help will not be requested or that some boundaries will need to be respected. This is where the experience of a good wedding planner can come in very handy and be well worth the investment.

There will almost always be last minutes emergencies. Rarely are these impossible to handle but an emergency kit with safety pins, hemming tape, spot remover and tissues will come in handy. The most important ingredient is a calm, cool and collected attitude. This helps to make any event a success. Be prepared to handle unexpected wrinkles and do so with compassion and grace. Let's not forget that we are all human beings and surprises are bound to occur. We aren't perfect, and we hopefully have enough common sense to get us through mishaps. This is a good time to be ready to employ it.

Weddings come in all shapes and sizes. There is no right or wrong way to design them, nor is one style more correct than another. There are guidelines which support an entire industry of weddings. Wedding planners follow more traditional customs and know how to create the dream wedding of in bride's mind.

Respecting the institution of marriage is the cornerstone of any successful ceremony and reception. If a wedding is planned with the same values which make a happy marriage, you're going to be off on the right foot. These values include compassion, respect, and kindness.

The Etiquette Minute: Uninvited Guests

Wedding Invitations and Replies

An invitation to a wedding is one of the most personal invitations we receive. In most cases a lot of care has gone into the design and wording. In this day and age there are so many endless variations on family structure that it can be very confusing to know exactly how to address certain situations. Take for example a blended family where one or both of the parents of the bride or groom are divorced or widowed. Or what about a child who perhaps is given up for adoption at birth, is reared by an adoptive mother or father, and the birth parent appears on the scene when the child is about to marry. These are highly sensitive situations which must be handled with the utmost discretion and diplomacy. I receive questions almost daily about these difficult and awkward scenarios and prefer to deal with them privately – which I am more than prepared to do for the readers of this column.

Today let’s focus on a ‘traditional’ family where the bride’s parents will host the wedding, the groom’s parents will host the rehearsal dinner, and the Maid of Honor or bridesmaids will host the bridal shower. The groomsmen are off the hook thus far except for the bachelors’ party but in my personal experience, more often than not, proper etiquette and decorum is circumvented at such occasions (including bachelorette parties) so we’ll leave them alone for now.

The formality of the wedding usually dictates what sort of wedding invitation one sends. For large formal weddings of over 100 people, an engraved or specially designed and printed invitation is very suitable. The invitation states the basic information: who the brides parents are, who the bride and groom are, date, time, location and an RSVP contact. There is no mention of gifts on any invitation – ever. Often times, there is a reply card and envelope inserted into the invitation. These can be used for RSVPs. In this case, you generally reply with your name and name of your guest, if one is invited. If no guest is invited do not indicate you will be bringing one. Uninvited guests are never welcome. In the case of a reception following the wedding ceremony, the location is indicated on the card. If there is a dinner, a check off box for choice of entrée may well be included. Here is a good place to indicate any food allergies – not preferences, but real allergies.

Such insert cards come in very handy when not all of the guests from the ceremony will be invited to the reception. The reverse is true as well. Some wedding ceremonies are quite small including only immediate family members, and then a large reception with friends follows. In this instance, the main invitation goes to all the guests of the larger event and the insert card would be for those guests being included at the smaller one. Be sure to respond to any invitations you receive as quickly as possible – preferably within 48 hours. If you are not sure if you’ll attend, you have two choices. One would be to phone the host and explain the situation. Let them know that you will have a firm reply no later than seven days prior to the date of the event. If you are still unsure then, you must regret the invitation. The other choice is to regret the invitation immediately.

Rehearsal dinners are generally hosted by the groom’s parents. These events are a wonderful opportunity to entertain out of town guests and also serves a great time for the families of the bride and groom to get acquainted. For more formal events, the invitation to this is sent out by the host and hostess. Often a reply card is included to select the main course as well as an RSVP. Be prompt in replying to this invitation. The host is customarily charged for the number of dinners ordered and the final head count is often requested by the restaurant or club seven days in advance to insure the proper amount of food is ordered. For informal parties, a telephone call or simple hand written invitation is appropriate.

Bridal showers are generally given by either the Maid of Honor or the bridesmaids. Traditionally this is a party for ladies only. Gifts are of course expected but never mentioned on the invitation. These invitations tend to be less formal and are almost always hand written or delivered by telephone. This is one gathering, either before or during, where gift registries are mentioned.

Today, email seems to be taking over many forms of communication. I receive as many invitations by email as by snail mail. I don’t think wedding invitations should be delivered in this manner, no matter how informal the event. Treat wedding with the respect they deserve.

Many questions abound around the topic of gifts. Brides are sometimes registered at various specialty stores. They have selected specific patterns for their silver and china, both 'everyday' and 'special'. Brides also need certain things. It’s all true. But in no circumstance is it ever okay to include a hint of a gift on or in an invitation. The solution to spreading the word is word of mouth. It takes very little time for word of mouth to spread. Most people invited to a wedding are close friends of either the bride or groom or both and know how to find out what they might like. Call the Best Man or Maid of Honor. Call the mother of the bride or other close family member. Even ask the bride or groom. Just don’t include such information on the invitation. Being invited to anything should not come with a price of admission (unless of course it’s a fund raising event for a non-profit organization). Good manners dictate that a gift is generally in order however, and finding a personal appropriate gift shows not only the deep respect you have for the couple but reflects well on the respect you have for yourself.