Arrogance and Etiquette

It’s always uncomfortable being around people who think they are superior to those around them and who use this talent in an effort to try to propel themselves ahead in both the business world and in their private lives. I have recently been presented with questions from readers wanting to know what to do from an etiquette perspective when faced with the following scenarios.

What do you do if someone reneges on a promise? A gentleman’s agreement sealed with a handshake should be a man’s word. When the agreement is arrogantly disregarded, what is the most appropriate action to rectify the situation?

No one is above the law of responsibility. This law basically suggests that we take responsibility for our actions and understand that there are consequences for all of our actions, good or bad. It also suggests that we not take responsibility for matters that are not ours. To move forward from this unpleasantness requires being fully aware of just how we got ourselves into this mess in the first place. Blaming other people or outside circumstances is a cop out and will only make things worse. Oddly enough, it’s not difficult to see where we went astray. The next step is to eliminate the problem by either forgiving and letting it go or simply editing the rogue out of your life. Neither is easy, but both options are viable. Remember, you got yourself into this mess; only you can get yourself out. Hopefully lesson learned.

Discovering the Rosetta Stone – oh no, not again! I Another reader laments they have a friend who is going through a mental and emotional growth spurt and is of the opinion that she is going through this unlike anyone else before her and has discovered the secret to happiness. How can one refrain from snapping back at this person after enduring months of this arrogant preaching and remain civil?

At some point along our unique path, we all have ah ha moments. I would venture to say that there is little if anything that the rest of the world will gain from many of them. They are personal discoveries and can be quite illuminating to the person making the discovery for the first time, but may already be very well understood by those around them as they’ve had such an ah ha moment themselves. The tone of delivery is what can be most annoying, and having compassion for the person and for ourselves is one answer. Being supportive is the kindly thing to do, but sharing that this is similar to an experience you’ve had can usually temper the delivery. There are some people who simply are so passionate about their personal discovery that they take this on as their life’s work. Try to avoid engaging them in discussions on this topic and you will soon see that they are otherwise quite delightful – usually.

Woe is me – the world is a plot against me. A third reader shared that he has a friend who is in a terribly deep rut of self-pity and no amount of reasoning or sound advice seems to help. How can someone remain supportive and patient when this person takes on the role of victim with such determination?

People who host pity parties for themselves have usually not been reasoned into this state of mind; but rather have formed it as a defense against their total lack of self-confidence. Unfortunately there is very little that you can do other than edit them out of your life, lest you risk becoming an enabler. Some people need more time to mature mentally and emotionally than others, just as some mature physically at different rates. A great shock to the system will likely be the solution to this boorish behaviour, but don’t take it upon yourself to think you have the solution. Self-discovery is the solution. I know a couple of people like this and I have come to the conclusion that remaining civil, yet disengaged is the best route to take when handling such situations. In business, this type of person is quickly weeded out and often learns his lessons through the school of hard knocks.

In all three of these scenarios, what is important is to avoid confrontation, especially in public, and to allow such people to grow at their own pace, to follow their own path, and to learn to make the right choices in their own time. As a friend of mine once told me, “Stop trying to fix everything”! It was a difficult skill to learn because by my very nature, I don’t like to see others suffering. However, the mark of a true gentleperson is their ability to discern when it is appropriate to engage and when it is better to mind one’s own business.  

A Bid for Civility

Auctions have been a part of my life for 35 years. After graduating in 1973 from Colorado College as an art history major, I landed a job at Sotheby’s in New York where they needed a preppy proofreader. What a great four years I spent there, learning enough about the art world to launch my own successful fine art and appraisal company. One of my jobs there was being an auctioneer, and I loved it.

Auction rooms are made up of different groups of people. There is the auction house staff, which includes the auctioneer (who is the person who has control of the entire process), various record keepers, telephone bid staff, and people who physically move the items which are being offered for sale. There are also the buyers, a varied group made up of dealers (who may be buying for their own shops or inventory, or who may be buying as agent for a private individual, institution or museum.

Auctions are very fast paced and there are certain protocols and etiquette which can make an auction run smoothly and make the experience of the buyer more enjoyable. I know for myself, that when I am bidding on an item, my adrenalin gets pumped up – the force is with me. My advice to anyone who is planning to buy something at the auction is to be sure to carefully examine the item before the sale. Ask any questions pertaining to condition, provenance, and possible reserve price and estimated value of the auction house staff. In other words, know what you’re bidding on.

In many auction rooms, you will be required to register for a ‘number’ - a bidding card identifying you to the auctioneer when bidding. You may want to get there early so as to ensure getting a seat for the sale, which can last many hours. At Tim Isaac’s Auctions here in Saint John, you can call ahead to reserve a seat if you are known to him. I always like sitting towards the front of the room for most of the sale, but often times move to the back and stand up while bidding. When bidding, make sure you hold the number clearly for the auctioneer to see. Auctioneers are not psychics and blinks and nods can often go unnoticed and your bid may be missed. Do not talk in a loud voice during the auction and do not have your cell phone turned onto ‘ring’. If you must take a call, leave the room or speak in a hushed voice as this is distracting and disrespectful to others.

Remember too that the auctioneer has the final say as to who the successful bidder is. Any disputes should be handled immediately. If you cannot attend the sale, you have a few options. You can ask a friend to bid on your behalf in person; you can leave a bid with the auction house staff; or you can arrange to have the ‘phone bank’ call you just before your item is coming up for sale allowing you to bid over the phone. Telephone bidding is a great way of handling this if you can arrange it. Be sure you have a clear idea how much you are willing to spend beforehand and bid quickly, because if you hesitate too long, the item may well be sold to someone else.

There is most likely a conspicuous sign outlining the conditions of sale posted in the auction room or printed in your catalog. Familiarize yourself with these as they vary from one auction house to another. For example, at Tim Isaac’s sales there is no buyer’s premium. At most other houses there is one, meaning that the final sale price is greater than the actual hammer price by sometimes as much as 20%.

If you are buying a ‘box’ lot - a variety of items sold together in a box, be sure to examine the contents carefully, and do not repack the boxes to your liking. Others may well have examined the contents of the boxes and are placing bids according to what they saw. Unfortunately it happens all too frequently that someone will take a certain item they want and bury in under a bunch of linens, trying to hide it so they can buy it for a song. This is like shoplifting and is in fact stealing from the consignor of the property.

The best way for the bidder to learn about auctions, auction rules, and auction etiquette is to attend auctions regularly. Feel free to ask seasoned auction goers about bidding, removing of property you buy and any other myriad of questions which can arise. The auction house staff is also well versed in all aspects of the auction and is most helpful. Going to your first auction can be an intimidating experience. Go with a friend; plan to go to the exhibition ahead of time and stay for as much as you have time for. You will learn to enjoy these outings and may even pick up a bargain or two along the way.

Flexibility is the Key to Good Wedding Etiquette

As a veteran of the hospitality industry, one of the hats which I enjoy wearing the most is that of wedding coordinator. During a recent weekend, I had the distinct pleasure of assisting at two weddings. One was a small casual affair with under 40 guests, with a minimal size bridal party and was held outdoors at the Treadwell Inn overlooking beautiful Saint Andrews harbor. The reception was also held on the premises and the whole event wrapped up in two hours. Everyone had fun, the weather cooperated and the relaxed atmosphere made for a stress free upbeat celebration.

The other wedding was a more structured formal affair performed at the Catholic church. There was a large wedding party including a flock of three ring bearers and five flower girls. There was also a bell ringer, ushers, groomsmen, a best man, and a maid of honor. Suffice it to say that there were a lot of moving parts to this wedding and making sure everyone was in place at the appropriate time and in the right order was a slight challenge. There is never any guarantee when eight small children are leading the procession will go off without a hitch, but they were all so excited to be dressed up and at a wedding that they performed like seasoned professionals.

These two very different weddings shared the common denominator of the need to be flexible to ensure a successful event. I have always been a big proponent of making contingency plans for any event whether it be a wedding or a dinner party. Planning helps avoid unpleasant surprises. It also gives a reassuring air to the whole event. If everyone involved knows where they need to be, when to be there, and how to get there, most unexpected elements are removed.

Weather is a consideration for outdoor weddings. Be sure to have a back up plan. If you have one, the sun will shine; if not, it will pour with rain. Other important considerations arise in direct proportion to the number of logistical details are involved in the event. For example, don't forget the rings or the boutonnieres. These small yet essential articles need to be on a list along with every other thing you can think of.

At the rehearsal, it is really important to remember such things as the length of the train on the bridal gown and how many times it will need to be adjusted. Be sure that pews are reserved for anyone in the family such as grandparents, aunts and uncles and anyone else whom you wish to have special seating.

Weddings are celebrations and incredible shows mostly because of the importance of the event in the couple's lives. They are also legal affairs and therefore there are certain vows which must be exchanged and papers signed. Outside of these firm parameters, there is a lot of leeway as to the rest of the ceremony and the reception. This day belongs to the bride and groom. They should make most of the decisions regarding the details. This is not the purview of the mothers of the bride or groom, nor is unsolicited input from overbearing sisters appropriate. This is not to say that help will not be requested or that some boundaries will need to be respected. This is where the experience of a good wedding planner can come in very handy and be well worth the investment.

There will almost always be last minutes emergencies. Rarely are these impossible to handle but an emergency kit with safety pins, hemming tape, spot remover and tissues will come in handy. The most important ingredient is a calm, cool and collected attitude. This helps to make any event a success. Be prepared to handle unexpected wrinkles and do so with compassion and grace. Let's not forget that we are all human beings and surprises are bound to occur. We aren't perfect, and we hopefully have enough common sense to get us through mishaps. This is a good time to be ready to employ it.

Weddings come in all shapes and sizes. There is no right or wrong way to design them, nor is one style more correct than another. There are guidelines which support an entire industry of weddings. Wedding planners follow more traditional customs and know how to create the dream wedding of in bride's mind.

Respecting the institution of marriage is the cornerstone of any successful ceremony and reception. If a wedding is planned with the same values which make a happy marriage, you're going to be off on the right foot. These values include compassion, respect, and kindness.

The Etiquette of the Ideal Traveller

There is nothing that I enjoy more than traveling. I love exploring new places, revisiting favorite haunts and enjoying the company of old friends wherever they may be. Having owned and operated an inn and restaurant for eight years I have also seen the hospitality business from the viewpoint of the proprietor as well as that of a guest.

As I have mentioned before, one of the keys to a successful vacation or even a short visit is to have a plan. There is an increase in the number of travelers who like to "wing it" on the road, and I am all in favor of that. For some people it adds to the suspense and adventure. For others it allows a flexibility which a series of reservation would preclude. A plan, however loose, does help avoid disappointment and nasty surprises. Knowing vaguely where you want to end up for the evening gives you somewhat of a goal to shoot for. Although it is advisable to call ahead at least a day or two for accommodation reservations, walking in unannounced can often lead to a reduced price. If you do have a room booked, one thing to remember, especially when staying at small inns or bed and breakfast establishments, is that often there is no one on duty round the clock. If you are going to be late, call ahead and let someone know. If you must actually cancel at the last minute, expect to pay for your booking anyway. Remember that if a popular in is full and turning away potential guests, a no show is real money out of the innkeeper's pocket.

Well run establishments will often ask you what time you will to arrive or explain that someone will be avvailable to check you in until a certain hour. This enables innkeepers to have appropriate staff on hand and to settle you in to your room. They will also likely ask if you are traveling with pets or small children. Be up front with them. Surprising hosts with extra people in your party is unfair, disrespectful, and likely to lead to disappointment. The old adage 'the guest is always right' does not apply here. Do not assume that there are smoking facilities, that pets (even the most perfectly behaved one which do not shed or bark), or that there are cots or pull out sofas. Even though guests are paying customers, they are not entitled to having unreasonable requests catered to. If you have special needs or requests, by all means discuss them with the manager or host in advance. Most are willing to accommodate guest requirements if at all possible. That is after all what the hospitality business is all about.

One of the benefits of staying in smaller establishments is the fact that the innkeepers are likely to be familiar with local attractions and have eaten at the local restaurants. This makes it possible for them to make considered recommendations to fit your tastes and pocketbook. Larger hotels can tend to rely on temporary staff, especially in resort towns, and may therefore be less familiar with the local attractions. Local businesses will often place brochures and other collateral information about their establishments with the local accommodations. Availing yourself of this information can really assist you when it comes to getting the most out of your visit.

When deciding where to stay in a certain town or region, if you have clear ideas of what you want to see or be near, inquire ahead of time. For example, if you may require a pharmacy or even access to a medical facility, see to it that you will not be in for a surprise. If you are traveling with small children or pets, make sure that whatever services you might anticipate such as a bay sitter or a grooming shop are available. Likewise, if you want to be in a pet free, adults only place, ask about this when you are making your plans. Careful planning can make a real difference.

Good service is also to some degree a function of gratitude. If you are staying somewhere and you like your host, your room, your meal or the service in general, be sure to comment about your experience. Thank you is always appropriate. Innkeepers and their staff really appreciate it when guests show their gratitude. I advise leaving a cash tip in your bedroom for the housekeeper, whomever that person may be. Anywhere from $2 to $5 per night is appropriate. If an accident occurs in your room such as a broken lamp or a stained carpet, let the host know before you leave so that the problem can be addressed quickly. If you approach travel as a two-way street where both the innkeeper and the traveller are in this activity together, your time away from home will be more enjoyable.

The Etiquette Minute: Riding the Bus

Etiquette Guy on CHCT TV

Those of you from outside my home region of St. Andrews, New Brunswick might not realize I have my own TV show on the local station CHCT that discusses different etiquette subject each week. Check it out:

The Etiquette of Forms of Address

Proper etiquette and protocol is no more important than when dealing with how we address our elected officials. Proper forms of address ought to take precedence above all else in almost all situations. There are very clear guidelines delineating these forms of address which have been in place for decades. They follow closely the rules that have been used by European royal families, the military, the court system and the clergy for centuries. They are clearly written down in a number of readily available books and there is a consistency which is ironclad. Whenever any one of us is going to meet an important official, if we are lucky, we are given clear directions on what to say, what to do, how to address the person, and a list of things to avoid doing or saying. The purpose for this is to ensure that due respect is appropriately adhered to and the event or meeting is pleasant and fruitful.

It has always baffled me why the media, especially, but not exclusively, the television media, seem to be immune to these guidelines. It's very noticeable and annoying to anyone who knows the difference. It is also unprofessional, disrespectful, and irresponsible. These gaffs are pet peeves of many etiquette professionals. The media has enormous influence over the public at large. We learn about what is going on in the world as a result of the timely reporting which is the sole purview of newscasters. It is no secret that not everything reported by them is the gospel truth; however, when it comes to having the common decency of respect, there is no good reason for being mislead. If I were to give them the benefit of the doubt, I could argue that no one ever taught them what is correct. I am not want to be that generous in this case. I view it as blatant disrespect. Feigning ignorance just doesn't fly. There are many gentle media folks who get it right, but I am surprised by the number of prime time hosts who don't. I even heard an esteemed commentator on CNN News refer to the U.S. president as Chief Obama just the other day. What was he thinking?!

The latest and most up to date source for the important information of how to address everyone with any rank at all is Robert Hickey's book, Honor and Respect, published by the Protocol School of Washington (to which I was a contributor). It should be on the shelf of anyone who will potentially use or uses this kind of information on a regular basis. It will no doubt become a classic reference book on the subject.

There are a few rules of thumb which can demystify this subject which follow the common sense fundamentals of all etiquette. For anyone in an elected office for which there is only one occupant at a time, such as prime minister, president or mayor of a city, they are properly referred to verbally as Prime Minister Harper, President Obama or Mayor Craig, and not Mr. Harper, Obama or Craig. Mr. Prime Minister, Mr. President, or Your Honour would also be appropriate. Some titles are retained for life. These tend to be professional or appointed positions. Others are not and the titles are dropped once the office is vacated.

It would be far easier if the forms of address used in the United States and Canada were the same, or even similar. This is the case sometimes, but just when you think you have it right, a difference appears. The structure of the governments - federal, provincial/state and local; their military; and their judicial systems are surprisingly complicated and quite different. This is true of many other countries as well. Commonwealth countries do tend to share a great deal in common however, which does make life simpler when dealing with them. When any question of how to address someone is in question, err on the side of caution and check a reliable source. Government offices can be helpful. The Chief Protocol Officer is likely to have the most up to date information at hand. Don't be shy either. these offices are all too happy to help. It is important to all concerned that these details are correctly handled.

It is interesting to me how these forms of address vary from country to country. What is interesting to me is that these details can be a critical ingredient in a successful business deal or even in a governmental exchange with other individuals or nations. That is precisely why reference books exist and have for a long time. Taking the time and making the effort to be sure that how you address someone verbally or in writing, formally or socially, shows that you in fact do have respect for the other person and their office. In turn, this reflects the respect you have for yourself.

Happy New Year 2010

And a Healthy 2010 to All

One of the most often used best of wishes for any New Year is that of good health to all of our friends. As with so many perfunctory remarks, they often carry sincere yet somewhat shallow meaning. Perhaps that's because we don't really make much of an effort to take care of our own health.

Let's take some time in the coming days, months and years to give our bodies and our emotional, mental and spiritual health maintenance the respect and attention only we can give it ourselves.

Our longevity, health and well being has undoubtedly improved immeasurably in no small part as a result of huge strides in the study of medicine. Antibiotics, anaethesia, vaccinations and a host of other incredible discoveries and treatments has afforded mankind a greatly improved survival rate. Remember however that there are many people who have no access to medical care. There are also millions who choose non medical therapeutic options such as homeopathy, chiropractic, naturopathy, acupuncture, herbal remedies and a whole host of others which provide great relief to the suffering and ailing. It is important to respect the choices each of makes in dealing with our health.

Become the quarterback for your own health care team. No one really cares or knows more about you than you yourself. But be sensible, too.

There are numerous sources for information on health available on the internet. Such web sites as www.realage.com and www.webmd.com might give you a clearer understanding of your current state of health as well as identifiable steps you can take to improve things. But beware. Your health and its care need to be a combination of learning facts about what ails you and presenting these facts to a reliable practitioner.

Perhaps certain adjustments and changes to daily routines such as increased exercise and a diet that is more appropriate to your needs, or a recently discovered dietary problem i.e. an allergy to certain foods, might make you feel better. There are also benefits to be gained from introducing new or different regimes into your life such as yoga or meditation. These self help acts do may improve your own state of well being, and as a result of them, you may be a more productive and happier member of your community and society at large. Benefits from lifestyle changes such as improved sleep and more energy can be directly attributed to taking better care of yourself.

Go easy on yourself. If you decide to start a new workout regimen, you may want to seek the advice of a trainer so you avoid hurting yourself inadvertently. Unbridled enthusiasm has a way of getting the better of us sometimes.

In the office we are exposed to all kinds of different germs in the winter time because air ventilation is usually reduced. Also, people's children bring home a variety of new germs to which we have not yet been exposed. These can test our immune systems. Consider using a hand sanitizer regularly, especially after touching surfaces such as escalator handles, door knobs and telephone receivers. Carry a handkerchief with you or a some kleenex tissues and be sure to use them whenever you feel a sneeze or cough coming on. This does help reduce the spread of germs. Even then, however, a squirt of hand sanitizer is smart and shows consideration for yourself and those around you.

Some of us find our roles as parents and care givers to be all consuming. These worthy responsibilities can be performed longer and more gracefully if we take care of ourselves first. We all know the instructions that come over the speaker in the airplane which says to put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others. This same principle applies to our day to day caretaking responsibilities too. Remind yourself of this everyday. Consider taking a few minutes each morning as you arise or each evening before you go to sleep to quiet your mind; to give thanks for your many blessings; and to organize your priorities.

Above all else, practice the fundamental principles of all etiquette. Use your common sense, be respectful of yourself and others and be compassionate at all times. No one has all the answers. To some questions, the answers we want aren't there. Being as informed about your health as possible, just as with any other part of your life, gives you the advantage of being able to make the most informed decisions possible. I sincerely hope 2010 brings you much happiness and good health.