Who Said So?! - The Origins of Etiquette

“So where did all these rules for good manners and proper etiquette originate?” That was a question recently asked of me by the father of a close friend of mine. And it is a good question. After all, when I was a young boy and asked the “Why?” question that all young children ask, the answer was usually “because I said so!” But as we grow up, we actually tend to ask questions because we really want to know the answer. Good manners and protocol are the cornerstones of all civilized societies and date back as recorded codes to the ancient Egyptians, around 2000 B.C. The text known as the Prisse Papyrus is still preserved in the Bibliotheque Nationale in Paris. It is entitled The Instructions of Ptahhotep. Years later, as we evolved as a society and left the warring nomadic life behind, it became necessary and in fact desirable to establish official public documents whereby various heads of state or their ministers could communicate. Thus protocol was solidified and has come to encompass diplomacy, ceremony and etiquette.

“Diplomacy is nothing but a lot of hot air,” said a companion to French Statesman George Clemenceau as they rode to a peace conference. “All etiquette is hot air,” said Clemenceau. “But that is what is in our automobile tires; notice how it eases the bumps.” And so it is in government, business and social circles today. An elaborate system of the

ways we communicate with one another shows that we have respect for our fellow man, and as well it reflects on our own self esteem. A lack of it is known in business circles as the silent killer. No one will point out your foibles; they just won’t want to do business with you. My friend’s father put forth the argument that acceptable behavior (in his mind synonymous with proper etiquette) was what the majority of people in society do by their own choice. As society’s habits change, then so do rules governing proper social behavior. To some extent this point of view has merit. However, for example, as mentioned in a previous column, just because most of us use computers and the internet to communicate, that does not mean hand written thank you notes will go out of style. There is always a balance of old and new. No where is this more evident than in fashion. Both men’s and women’s fashion come and go and then often times certain elements of a generation past, come back to the forefront.

In business, social, intergovernmental and diplomatic circles, these rules of behavior are slow to change. Granted, finger bowls may not be used at all White House dinners as they were in the past, but few other codes of behavior have changed. This flexible permanence gives stability to an unstable world.

Coincidental with my column of thank you’s was the insightful article by Kate Wallace on Margaret Vissar’s new book, “The Gift of Thanks”. However there is a stark contrast between my weekend column and this best selling author. In her new book by the same title, Ms. Visser delves into the origins and real meaning behind gratitude, from the point of view of an anthropologist. She debunks the theory that gratitude is in our genetic makeup and that it in fact needs to be taught. She goes back to primitive man and his social behavior. I can hardly wait to read this new book. Along with her earlier best sellers she really shows that the complex set of rules by which we as a society live, are based on practical measures and are based on common sense and are rooted well into the past.

The history and origins of etiquette are French. Etiquette used to mean “keep off the grass”. Dorothea Johnson explains, as founder of the Protocol School of Washington, “When Louis XIV’s gardener at Versailles discovered that the aristocrats were trampling through his gardens, he put up signs, or ‘etiquets’, to warn them off. But dukes and duchesses walked right past the signs anyway. Finally, the King himself had a decree that no one was to go beyond the bounds of the ‘etiquets’. The meaning of etiquette later was expanded to include the ticket to court functions that listed the rules on where to stand and what to do. Like language, etiquette evolves, but in a sense it still means “keep off the grass”. If we stay within the flexible bounds of etiquette, we will

give relationships a chance to grow; we will give ourselves a chance to grow; and we will be able to present ourselves with confidence and authority in all areas of our professional and personal life.”

The Etiquette of Forms of Address

Proper etiquette and protocol is no more important than when dealing with how we address our elected officials. Proper forms of address ought to take precedence above all else in almost all situations. There are very clear guidelines delineating these forms of address which have been in place for decades. They follow closely the rules that have been used by European royal families, the military, the court system and the clergy for centuries. They are clearly written down in a number of readily available books and there is a consistency which is ironclad. Whenever any one of us is going to meet an important official, if we are lucky, we are given clear directions on what to say, what to do, how to address the person, and a list of things to avoid doing or saying. The purpose for this is to ensure that due respect is appropriately adhered to and the event or meeting is pleasant and fruitful.

It has always baffled me why the media, especially, but not exclusively, the television media, seem to be immune to these guidelines. It's very noticeable and annoying to anyone who knows the difference. It is also unprofessional, disrespectful, and irresponsible. These gaffs are pet peeves of many etiquette professionals. The media has enormous influence over the public at large. We learn about what is going on in the world as a result of the timely reporting which is the sole purview of newscasters. It is no secret that not everything reported by them is the gospel truth; however, when it comes to having the common decency of respect, there is no good reason for being mislead. If I were to give them the benefit of the doubt, I could argue that no one ever taught them what is correct. I am not want to be that generous in this case. I view it as blatant disrespect. Feigning ignorance just doesn't fly. There are many gentle media folks who get it right, but I am surprised by the number of prime time hosts who don't. I even heard an esteemed commentator on CNN News refer to the U.S. president as Chief Obama just the other day. What was he thinking?!

The latest and most up to date source for the important information of how to address everyone with any rank at all is Robert Hickey's book, Honor and Respect, published by the Protocol School of Washington (to which I was a contributor). It should be on the shelf of anyone who will potentially use or uses this kind of information on a regular basis. It will no doubt become a classic reference book on the subject.

There are a few rules of thumb which can demystify this subject which follow the common sense fundamentals of all etiquette. For anyone in an elected office for which there is only one occupant at a time, such as prime minister, president or mayor of a city, they are properly referred to verbally as Prime Minister Harper, President Obama or Mayor Craig, and not Mr. Harper, Obama or Craig. Mr. Prime Minister, Mr. President, or Your Honour would also be appropriate. Some titles are retained for life. These tend to be professional or appointed positions. Others are not and the titles are dropped once the office is vacated.

It would be far easier if the forms of address used in the United States and Canada were the same, or even similar. This is the case sometimes, but just when you think you have it right, a difference appears. The structure of the governments - federal, provincial/state and local; their military; and their judicial systems are surprisingly complicated and quite different. This is true of many other countries as well. Commonwealth countries do tend to share a great deal in common however, which does make life simpler when dealing with them. When any question of how to address someone is in question, err on the side of caution and check a reliable source. Government offices can be helpful. The Chief Protocol Officer is likely to have the most up to date information at hand. Don't be shy either. these offices are all too happy to help. It is important to all concerned that these details are correctly handled.

It is interesting to me how these forms of address vary from country to country. What is interesting to me is that these details can be a critical ingredient in a successful business deal or even in a governmental exchange with other individuals or nations. That is precisely why reference books exist and have for a long time. Taking the time and making the effort to be sure that how you address someone verbally or in writing, formally or socially, shows that you in fact do have respect for the other person and their office. In turn, this reflects the respect you have for yourself.