Say Thank-You, Often

A couple years have come and gone since my first column on etiquette was published. I am very grateful for all the positive feedback I’ve received as well as ideas for additional columns. So I am taking this opportunity to say thank-you and to discuss the whole etiquette behind saying thank-you. The very first thank-you notes I wrote were for Christmas presents. My mother, sister and I would sit down the day after Christmas with our boxes of note cards and lists of gifts and who had given them to us. Everyone who had given us a gift received a hand written thank-you note. This at first seemed like a daunting task for an eight year old, but as the years rolled by it became a routine which we looked forward to. Learning to compose a note that had some personality was the challenge. Penmanship was also important. Cards with mistakes had to be discarded and begun anew. In this day and age where actual hand writing has unfortunately taken a backseat to the computer, penmanship is atrocious. Teachers take note! Even students in high school can barely write their names in a legible way. Nonetheless, I have received numerous heartfelt notes from students which meant a great deal to me. And because they were so personal, I know the gratitude that the students felt was sincere.

There are many times when writing a note of thanks is important. There also is a certain feeling of warmth that one gets from writing them. You should send a thank-you note when you are given a gift, sent flowers, asked to lunch or dinner, invited for a weekend, asked to a concert or performance of some kind or when someone does something nice or helpful in a business or social situation such as an introduction or letter of reference. I write far too few thank-you notes. However, I do make a point of phoning whenever I am invited to dinner. People appreciate knowing that the effort that went into cooking dinner and the camaraderie of the time spent together with friends was genuinely enjoyed.

There is an excellent book which was recently published by a colleague of mine entitled 101 Ways to Say Thank You. In it Kelly Browne gives excellent examples of what to actually say in such notes. It has great tips on buying stationary, superlative words to use in a note and many helpful suggestions.

Imagine the delight in receiving a thank-you note. I find that it strengthens friendships and relationships, especially in business situations which are just budding. Whenever someone extends themselves to celebrate a happy occasion, lend a helping hand, make an introduction for you or acknowledge a difficult time you may be experiencing, take the time to write a note. It takes only a few minutes. In some cases notes with “Thank-you” can be purchased at a stationary store or in the case of St. Andrews, at some of the local gift shops. Some of the highest quality stationary is sold by Crane & Company in the US. They have an excellent website and have a wide variety of cards and stationary which can be personally engraved if required. You can buy note cards at the Dollar Store as well, so there’s not a lot of expense required to accomplish this mission.

In business situations, thank-you notes can be sent via email. It is a matter of discretion however and a hand written or typed note may serve your purposes better. Whatever you decide, be sure that the note is sincere and includes a reference to the purpose of your meeting. If you are sending a note to an interviewer from whom you want a job, be sure not to send a gift. In most companies as well as in government, there are policies against accepting gifts.

In the case of weddings and the tremendous joy and love and support you receive from friends and family, thank-you notes are essential and absolutely must be hand written. And there is no reason why the bride needs to be the sole writer. The groom should share in that responsibility. Be sure that as you open your presents at showers that someone records the gift and the sender. For wedding presents which arrive in the post, one trick which comes in handy is to cut off the return address from the package and attach it to the gift or gift card. Again be sure you have a list and as each thank-you note is written, check it off the list.

The most important thing to remember is to say thank-you often. There are so many more occasions to verbally express your gratitude to another person than there will be reasons for a hand written note. Use the phone if you want to. Speak directly to the person to whom you are grateful. I know of no one who says thank-you too often. Say it with a smile on your face and make direct eye contact. This will go a long way to show the respect you have for others and for yourself.

Who Said So?! - The Origins of Etiquette

“So where did all these rules for good manners and proper etiquette originate?” That was a question recently asked of me by the father of a close friend of mine. And it is a good question. After all, when I was a young boy and asked the “Why?” question that all young children ask, the answer was usually “because I said so!” But as we grow up, we actually tend to ask questions because we really want to know the answer. Good manners and protocol are the cornerstones of all civilized societies and date back as recorded codes to the ancient Egyptians, around 2000 B.C. The text known as the Prisse Papyrus is still preserved in the Bibliotheque Nationale in Paris. It is entitled The Instructions of Ptahhotep. Years later, as we evolved as a society and left the warring nomadic life behind, it became necessary and in fact desirable to establish official public documents whereby various heads of state or their ministers could communicate. Thus protocol was solidified and has come to encompass diplomacy, ceremony and etiquette.

“Diplomacy is nothing but a lot of hot air,” said a companion to French Statesman George Clemenceau as they rode to a peace conference. “All etiquette is hot air,” said Clemenceau. “But that is what is in our automobile tires; notice how it eases the bumps.” And so it is in government, business and social circles today. An elaborate system of the

ways we communicate with one another shows that we have respect for our fellow man, and as well it reflects on our own self esteem. A lack of it is known in business circles as the silent killer. No one will point out your foibles; they just won’t want to do business with you. My friend’s father put forth the argument that acceptable behavior (in his mind synonymous with proper etiquette) was what the majority of people in society do by their own choice. As society’s habits change, then so do rules governing proper social behavior. To some extent this point of view has merit. However, for example, as mentioned in a previous column, just because most of us use computers and the internet to communicate, that does not mean hand written thank you notes will go out of style. There is always a balance of old and new. No where is this more evident than in fashion. Both men’s and women’s fashion come and go and then often times certain elements of a generation past, come back to the forefront.

In business, social, intergovernmental and diplomatic circles, these rules of behavior are slow to change. Granted, finger bowls may not be used at all White House dinners as they were in the past, but few other codes of behavior have changed. This flexible permanence gives stability to an unstable world.

Coincidental with my column of thank you’s was the insightful article by Kate Wallace on Margaret Vissar’s new book, “The Gift of Thanks”. However there is a stark contrast between my weekend column and this best selling author. In her new book by the same title, Ms. Visser delves into the origins and real meaning behind gratitude, from the point of view of an anthropologist. She debunks the theory that gratitude is in our genetic makeup and that it in fact needs to be taught. She goes back to primitive man and his social behavior. I can hardly wait to read this new book. Along with her earlier best sellers she really shows that the complex set of rules by which we as a society live, are based on practical measures and are based on common sense and are rooted well into the past.

The history and origins of etiquette are French. Etiquette used to mean “keep off the grass”. Dorothea Johnson explains, as founder of the Protocol School of Washington, “When Louis XIV’s gardener at Versailles discovered that the aristocrats were trampling through his gardens, he put up signs, or ‘etiquets’, to warn them off. But dukes and duchesses walked right past the signs anyway. Finally, the King himself had a decree that no one was to go beyond the bounds of the ‘etiquets’. The meaning of etiquette later was expanded to include the ticket to court functions that listed the rules on where to stand and what to do. Like language, etiquette evolves, but in a sense it still means “keep off the grass”. If we stay within the flexible bounds of etiquette, we will

give relationships a chance to grow; we will give ourselves a chance to grow; and we will be able to present ourselves with confidence and authority in all areas of our professional and personal life.”